Biological Children -vs- Adoption?

Question

I am curious.

Is it normal for a woman to not want biological children and be having baby fever on the subject of adoption?

My ex and I had wanted a family very badly, had been trying for a a few (like 5 months) and she came home and said, I've never wanted biological children and have always wanted to adopt.

Basically the beginning of the end.

I've always thought that this was a very weird statement. Then again, it could have been a point of argument that she knew I would not back down from and she just wanted a divorce....

Answer 1

Well, maybe she just doen't want to have a baby of her own. Maybe she is too afraid of bringing a new yet another life into this world, or thinks why when you can give a good loving home to a child who already is here that needs a family to love him/her.

Well, maybe she is becoming discouraged then. That could be the reason for her turn around.

The only simple answer here is you need to sit her down and ask her why the turnaround.

Answer 2

I am an adult adoptee. I always wanted to have biological children and to adopt.  I felt the desire to be pregnant and give birth (obvioulsy since I am expecting my 5th lol).

However, I always had the desire to adopt a child who needed a family. I had considered adopting an older child or possibly a sibling group, or maybe a special needs child.

I am now 35 and expecting my 5th biological child, and had about given up the adoption dream. However I recently married a man with full custody of his 17 mo/old daughter (who has special needs).  Her birth mother is not able to be a mother and so we have an appt next week with a lawyer to get the step parent adoption ball rolling. (the birth mother is in full agreement of this and she will still be involved in the child's life)

I think there is nothing wrong with a person male or female who decides they would rather adopt than have biological kids, however I think she should have been honest w/ you from the beginning.

Answer 3

Is it just possible that she wants a baby regardless?

There are plenty of women out there who want to adopt vs. conceive their babies.

I had 5 miscarriages, and then we decided to, and successfully, adopted 2 children in 2006 who are now 10 and 12 years old.

Don't take this personally, this is only for your benefit...but is it possible that the reason you have such a hard time coming to terms with this is because you want a child that is of your own blood?

Just ask my husband, once you hear "daddy", it's done...you're dad...regardless.

Answer 4

I wanted to be Mom but NOT get pregnant.  I don't want to be physically pregnant.  I've always wanted to adopt since I was very young. I am the oldest of three siblings and my parents are divorced (divorced when I was 12).

Now-- My son (adopted at 7 months old) and is now 3 is the best part of my life.  :-)

Answer 5

What? her dad said that to HER? and SHE WAS HIS ONLY BIOLOGICAL CHILD? Thats just wierd, and hurtful. I don't know. Maybe she just thought that it was helping a child and wanted to help a child, just didn't realize there were better ways to helping children than adoption.

Sorry man.

Answer 6

The only thing that I could think of is maybe she doesn't want the pregnancy. Pregnancy does so many things to the figure and self esteem. I think that alot of women go through this. I also think that the figure is not such a bad thing but more of a self esteem issue. You don't feel the same way about your body after you've had a baby. You look and feel completely different. I have four children and 40 lbs. heavier than I was before the kids. Everything sags instantly as well. Stretch marks are horrible to look at. However, I wouldn't do anything differently. I love my kids no matter what. If I had adopted, I would feel the same way about the kids. It is your wife that has to carry the baby. Maybe talking to her about this subject you can both make the best decision for both of you, no matter what your opinions are.

Answer 7

You asked if it was normal? No, but it does happen.  When we found out my husband would need a surgery to have children, I told him if it was all the same to him, I'd rather adopt.  He was cool with that. My best friend is also going to adopt (older child from foster care), and she has no fertility issues.

Answer 8

I am sorry your wife should have discussed her desire to adopt and that she had no desire to have  biological children before you all even got married.  That fact that you were trying to get pregnant is a confusion to me that your wife would abruptly be against it. Unless she was always trying to please you. You say your wife was pregnant so she had a miscarriage? maybe she doesn’t want to go through that again.  As you said it could be an excuse to just get out of the marriage.  It is odd that she'd want fertility treatments after only 5months, because most doctors say don’t bother unless you’ve been trying for at least a year.

I would not call the desire to adopt and not have biological children un-Normal. Some people choice adoption first for many reasons it’s really a personnel decision how someone or a couple goes about to get a family.  I hope to one day adopt if I am able too but if I get married my spouse will know that prior to getting married. That said I would have nothing against having biological children too wouldn’t rule them out like your wife and some other woman/men.  It would be nice to have 2 adopted and 2 biological. Though I have already decided that if I was unable to conceive naturally that I wouldn’t be getting fertility treatments again this would be discussed prior to marriage.

I think you and your wife need to sit down and discuss why she suddenly has no interested in having a natural child. If she always had a want to adopted why she did not tell you this prior to getting married. Then you all can discuss what your going to do.

Answer 9

It sounds to me like the issue was less about adoption VS biological children and more about the pain and suffering (physical and emotional) that she went through trying to get pregnant.

Many women who endure months of stress, headaches, injections (I am assuming you tried fertility drugs) and guilt-- feeling like there is something wrong with them because they can't conceive-- turn away from wanting to have children. They get sick of the whole thing.

I am sure she still wanted children, but telling herself she would rather adopt and perhaps pretending she always felt that way might have been easier for her to accept then the possiblity that she COULDN'T have children, which is truly devastating for a woman.

I assume that she expected you to support her even if she wasn't able to have children by saying that she didn't want to, but when you didn't, as you say, that was the beginning of the end.

The other possibility is that she was only pretending to want to conceive for you... and did want children, but didn't want to endure labor and pregnancy-- true for some women-- and again, got sick of the whole thing. It doesn't sound like you enjoyed the "trying" part very much either.

I am sorry that things ended so badly.

Answer 10

It could be that she didn't want to be pregnant, but still wanted to be a mom.

Answer 11

I think she is just sad because she thinks there is no way possible she will ever be able to have a baby of her own. So she is telling you that she never really wanted a bio baby. its like a teen who wasn't invited to a party and so she tells her friends who weren't invited that she never wanted to go anyway. So go ahead and adopt but keep trying to have a baby. You'll be helping a parentless child and still getting your chance to maybe have a baby of your own.

Answer 12

Personally, I don't think your wife's issues have anything to do with adoption.  It says alot about her mental & emotional state that she rushed head long to fertility treatments after only trying for 5 months.  She sounds like an extreme person who, once she gets an idea into her head, can't let it go.  I've been to an ob/gyn and he said if you aren't pregnant after 1 YEAR....then it's time to seek fertility counseling.  It sounds like she got so depressed over not being able to have a child that she went straight to wanting to adopt.  She didn't let herself grieve at all over not being able to have a biological child.  Instead, her defense mechanism was to act as if she'd wanted to adopt all along anyway.  She's trying to deny that not being able to have a biological child affected her at all, but it clearly did.

I think she needs to deal with the feelings she had not being able to conceive instead of denying them.  I think she needs to sit & really think if adoption is what she truly wants to do.  Of course, now that you're divorced, it may not be an issue anymore.

Answer 13

I don't know a lot about your situation, but I think it is possible that she was "looking for a reason" to get a divorce.

We have friends who got divorced. The wife started making the husband jump through all sorts of hoops with the promise of starting a family. She said, "You need to get a higher-paying job before we have kids" So he got a job working nights because it paid time and a half. Then "You need to work daytime shift." So he managed to switch his schedule. Then "We need a new car. We need a new house."

She never brought up adoption, but he jumped through all the hoops she set out and one day she just said, "No... I can't stay married to you." He was devastated -- still is. He felt that it came out of the blue, but looking back, you can see that she was almost waiting for him to fail at one of her demands -- and when he didn't she eventually cut him loose anyway. If she thought adoption was a "deal breaker" for him, she might have used that one.

I hope this didn't happen to you, but it's possible. I'm so sorry. (Is she still focusing on adoption, even though you're divorced/divorcing?)

Answer 14

She may have not wanted to sacrifice her body for a baby. Or maybe she wanted to help other children in poorer countries. Whatever her reason, I don't see anything wrong with it.