Bipolar wife cheated and left me and 5yr old son, *** may try to return. Threatened custody battle. Help!!!

Question

My wife is bipolar and left with nothing after 12 years together.

I had posted a question earlier, I've copied it below. Heres a new one.

What do I do if and when she returns admitting she didn't know what she was doing? What if she begs and I know her survival depends on my decisions?

Should I consider letting her back in, as a roommate? Or try to reconcile, eventually in the same awful pattern we had before?

Or should I shut the door in her face? I'm almost there now. She has said her friends say she should file custody. She has nothing. Just the car I am paying for somehow.

I posted this earlier. Full explanation:

My wife and I have been together 12 yrs, married for 10yrs. She has always been very confusing, and able very quick to get angry and cause arguements to go all the way. She's even tried to hurt me, and herself at times. She has been in 2 mental institutions, 1 was voluntary, 1 involuntary. Short term stays. She's been on and off of meds, some Dr's say she's bipolar, some not. The meds for the disease seemed to work, and this can't be how all women act. The previous meds always made her get the anger out, and forgive hours l8r, but she has been on Prozac and Xanax for about a year without arguements. She has slept around, all I know of is one (her cousin, twice) and she admitted.

I fell as though I have been more or less taking care of her, I dont make alot of money, andshe never could get a job, or hold one. She new we were bad off but never had income. Just slept ALL the time.

We have a 5 yr old son together and she has been rough to him. Emotionally. I tried to make her see, but she was always blinded. I spent nights feeling sorry for him, playing every last minute with him, being more of a friend then a father while she slept. I sent him to daycare for 3 yrs, paid $740 a month, because she didn't want to watch him during the day. She would sleep till noon the days I did leave him home with her.

Now she has surprised me, she came to me last weekend and said she is leaving, shes found another man and is excited to be with him. The whole time I thought her friend was in town, or the trips to the beach with girlfriends. 3 months I think it has been happening.

She left then and there, leaving me, my 5 yr old son (starting kindergarten in 2 weeks), 3 cats, 1 dog, 4 fish tanks and a pile of bills and pain behind. My son doesn't understand. I don't understand. I've talked to her but she has no remorse, no feelings about it. Shes going on trips and happy for once she says.

Really??? Does this happen to people?

Shes driven all my friends away over the years. I had to protect her from herself alot, eventually even both our parents wondering how i was doing it, b4 all this.

I even gave her money, scared she would sell herself and sleep on the streets if something went wrong with her plans. I dont know right from wrong.

I dont go to church, I don't have the same beliefs as most. Friends are distant, not in distance but in touch, and family is all paperwork. Go to court. This doesn't help me deal with things. I need someone to help explain what happened.

Answer 1

She is obviously a very sick person, and not responsible enough to be trusted around a small boy. But if she is as abusive as that then I would say good riddance.

  If you are as confused as you say you are, I'd say you are shell-shocked.

  This happens a lot, esp. with people with severe mental illnesses like bipolar.

   I think you should be proud of yourself for standing up for your 5 year old when the mother is so self-absorbed.

   You are not responsible for the things she does. Tell her that she needs to stay away until she has gotten help and stabilized. For the child's sake, and your sanity.

Answer 2

From your explanation of your wife's behavior patterns, she does sound or seem to be bi-polar. I'm bi-polar II and used to do crazy things as well. I've been in a 9 year relationship, and by the grace of God, he's stuck by my side through all of my insanity. It took a lot of therapy and the appropriate meds. for me to get my life on track. She absolutely must get on the right medication-and stay on it-if she is to start controlling her swings.

Unfortunately, she has to be ready for this. She has to become sick and tired of being sick and tired-if you know what I mean. If she is not ready to admit that something is very wrong with her, you must let her go. She will only bring more harm to not only herself, but your child as well as yourself.

Offer her your helping hand. If she is ready, she must agree to find a psychiatrist AND therapist that specialize in bi-polar disorder. She has a whole lot to start learning about herself-and it's a tough journey, so she really needs to commit.

You, though, need to lay down an ultimatum-especially with yourself...You are also going to have to be ready to deal with all that comes with this disorder. Are you ready for it?

There are amazing qualities you might find in her on a new journey to discovering a sane, beautiful person that you fell in love with.

This will really take a lot of work and commitment on both of your behalves. If you are ready, there are many options you both can explore to begin healing and helping her. Xanax and prozac are totally wrong meds. for someone with bi-polar disorder. Please feel free to get in touch with me if you need some help with ideas or resources. I've fully come out of my insanity because I truly wanted this change. Life is amazing for my fiance and I now. It just took serious work to get here. Let me know if I can help. I'm pretty resourceful when it comes to this stuff.

Best of luck :)

Answer 3

I'm so sorry to hear you story. It is unfortunately not an uncommon situation when one marries a bipolar individual that is not disciplined enough to be successful with treatment. So, I'll give you my thoughts on this in a really simple format:

1.) Bipolar individuals with a severe case of the disorder can only function normally and have normal lives if they are willing to help themselves. If they won't cooperate and stick to meds and/or therapy, there's nothing you can force them to do in order to 'straighten them out.' It sounds like you've given her plenty of chances, and that she will probably never be the mother your son needs - or the wife you deserve. That sounds incredibly terrible and harsh to you probably, but from what you've said that's the case. I think you're smart enough to know that already, and it is just going to take you a while to soak up everything.

2.) I would recommend doing what you can to save face and move on. As painful as it may be, in the end it will probably be the best decision for both you and - most importantly - your son. Definitely consult professionals like therapists and CPS first, but I would treat her sort of like a criminal that is on probation - in terms of how you limit her contact with you and your son. She will only be allowed to see him or contact him if she behaves well and keeps it together, but depending on the circumstances probably shouldn't ever have custody of him. (That is a matter that I cannot decide for you, but a judge/attorney/CPS certainly can offer you some guidance in that area.)

The reason why I have this opinion is that I've seen firsthand how an adult who can't manage their bipolar disorder can hurt their loved ones - twice. One situation led to the involuntary manslaughter of a child: my cousin. In both cases the best solution was to mostly isolate them from their children, chiefly because of safety issues. If you want more input feel free to email me... I don't want to scare you with anything I've said, but it is a tricky and difficult situation that has potential to be very dangerous.

Answer 4

I would let her go and move on. Even bipolar individuals try to stay healthy and take their meds. Sounds like she`s wrecking you and your son`s life. Even sick people need to WANT help.

Answer 5

Wow, sorry about that hon, what a difficult situation.  If she came back to you, I would say let her stay, only if she promises to go see a therapist and take her medication, because it certainly sounds as if shes skipping them, if shes acting the way you say.  The medication should make her act more normal, and if not, maybe its the wrong type and you should ask your doctor about others.  Now and days there are so many types of meds for bipolar disorder that one must be right for her.  I hope that works, good luck!!!

Answer 6

This does happen to people.  I had a girlfriend who was diagnosed as being bipolar, but she seemed to be more borderline to me.  Whatever the label, she exhibited a lot of the characteristics that you're describing.  

She was very confusing, she could hit me one night and wake up the next day and say "I love you."  I was either the greatest guy in the world, or the worst loser.  Nothing I said or did was good enough.  She slept all day and expected me to stay up all night and entertain her.  She couldn't hold a job.  When she lost her jobs, she blamed it on me.  Everything wrong in her life was my fault.  She could take no criticism, but she could dish it out viciously.  If I made a suggestion, she would usually do the opposite.                                                    I felt like I was taking care of her and giving her every opportunity to make something of herself.  She had her own agenda.  She slept around.  She lied and manipulated.  She would get some really irrational ideas that didn't make sense to me.  She was insanely jealous and distrustful.  She sometimes posed religiousness morals on me, but then went out and did who knows what.                         She has two daughters.  One is in the custody of her ex husband and she rarely sees her.  The other is taken care of by her Grandmother.  She lacks some maternal instinct and empathy.  She can't really take care of herself, much less a child.                                                   In June she told me she was pregnant.  Her mood swings around that time became extreme.  I became a basket case.  She finally left because she was convinced I was the worst person in the world and she hated me, wished I was never born, and she added that it would take a long time to forgive me.  I don't know what she had to forgive me for, but...  My hope is that she'll either lose the child or that it's not mine, because I really don't want to have to deal with her again.  I am extremely regretful that I stayed with her and it has come to this.  She came back many times apologetic and we were going to work on things, but she always reverted back to being some sort of devil woman.  

Now I'm seeing a psychologist, talking to a pastor, and I'm on drugs for anxiety and depression.  So, yes, this does happen.  I wasn't with her for 12 years, though.  You seem to have been able to deal with it more resourcefully than I have.  That's my longwinded story to let you know you're not alone.  I really, really think you've given this woman more than enough chances.  Time to think about you're moving on and taking care of yourself and your son.  You know if you let her back in it won't work.  And, man, it will get worse and someone's going to get hurt eventually.  Get a good lawyer.

Read the book, "Stop Walking on Eggshells".

Answer 7

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