Birth Mom wants visit w/ 6mon. old adopted son, should we?

Question

She wants the person who introduced us, who is her best friend & our babysitter, to supervise in our home, without us here. She lived w/us for 3 mon. before his birth, and broke our trust by doing 1 dose of meth the day he was born (1 month early). Birthdad fire 2 months later because of meth. Says clean, but they just took her 5 year old out of state. I say I stay in house, unknown to her (say I'm at work), w/ adopted dad 1 mile down road, cell phone contact, we take their keys. She didn't want to give him up, private adoption, but DHS said they wouldn't prosecute her if she let the adoption go through. She looked good last time I saw her. Do you think I ought to let her have some supervised private time with our son, and should I just be quietly hidden, just in case? Thanks! She literally can't run because of ankle injuries. Birthdad not with her.

Answer 1

I have worked for a lawyer for 6 years now.  I have done many adoptions, working with both the adoptive parents and birth parents.  Even though the birth mother used with the child, she has a problem that must be addressed prior to seeing the child again! (REHAB!)  She should provide this verification to you FIRST before seeing the child.  That baby is your son and she should abide by all of your rules.  I would suggest being present during the visit.  You and your husband just to make sure nothing happens.  Good luck with your choices.  You know what is best for your baby!

Answer 2

I don't see why she has a right to say how she wants and if she gets to see the child. She gave that right away, when she gave you the baby and walked away. What the child needs is to be able to know this natural parents at a time when they are clean and stable. I say no visits. Let the child be brought up in a drug clean atmosphere. But do make fact that the child is told that he is adopted and who his natural parents are so he won't have to wonder

Answer 3

Umm no..if she used meth pregnant then she is a junkie..and I would not let a junkie in my home. She gave up her rights and you are not obligated.

Answer 4

if the adoption etc has gone through...how can she even get this time...and what does the state say about it...with her history...be very cautios and by all means..be there...why is it set on her terms considering the situation? Set it on your terms..which is...you are to be in the house...period...does she have proof of being clean...idk..I'm not a lawyer...but this may open problems for you...and will she always get random visits? good luck to all of you

Answer 5

He's your son so you get to make the rules, given her history, I'd be a bit leary to leave my house, so I say stay if you want. I don't htink she would intentionally hurt the baby, but she did do meth and the baby did come early.

Answer 6

h**l no.  I would just be honest with her and say if she wants to see the baby then both you and your husband are going to be there.   If she has a problem with you guys being there then she does not need to see the baby that badly.   I don't know many parents who would let the birth family visit the child without being right there watching their every move.

Answer 7

Absolutely not if she wants to visit with the child, then she needs to be ok to visit him while one of his parents is there.  If you think it’s safe for her to be around the baby ok, but any visits need to be supervised by you or your husband.  You need to make sure she is clean she should provide proof of this.  Also if you want, it would probably be even better if you all arranged to meet at neutral area.  Go to the park for a couple of hours, mall etc. Or even your adoption social workers office.  As some said you might run this by whoever handled your child’s adoption.

Answer 8

I wouldn't have a problem with it, but if I were you I'd want to be there. You are both his mothers and if the 2 of you can have a descent relationship, it will only be better for him. He should see conflict between the 2 of you, it may make him feel torn about who to love, when really he can love both of you.

Just keep in mind that if she truely wanted to harm him or take him, she'd likely find a way other than when you'd expect it. Also keeping him from her may make her WANT to take him.

Good luck.

Answer 9

Hi Sizesmith,

I'm confused over your situation.  2 days ago, you posted saying:

"We have invited BMom to come to dinners, see our son, and she chooses not to. I've even offered to let her come to the house when I'm not there, with a babysitter who she's good friends with and introduced us, however, she still chooses not to."  (see link under sources)

Are you saying that you invited her to come over before and she declined then, but she wants to come now?  

Or are you saying she did not want to come over when you invited her before, but now she does want to come, and you have changed your minds?

Thanks for clarification,

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 10

I am adopted and have 2 adopted children- and I would hope that if my birth mom had used meth while still pregnant with me, that my adoptive parents would not have allowed her to see me, especially without them in the room with her and I.  I think you need to talk to your lawyer, or adoption agency and get some help with this- I just don't feel right about you leaving your son with her- and you did notice I said your son!

Answer 11

Whatever is best for your son.  Our experience with drug use adn parents (while we were foster parents) is that it takes more than one month to get clean adn stay clean.  IF she has done rehab or something then maybe, but you should stay in the home regardless.

I do have a concern with DHS saying they wouldn't prosecute if she let the adoption go through.....here in Canada they would not do that, they would send her to rehab and try to keep family together.  NOt sure if I agree with it, but it sounds kind of like a bribe for her to give her child up.

But for now, if you let her have a visit, stay with them.  If she doesn't agree, no visit.

Answer 12

Just the fact that you feel the need to hide in your own house tells me that you know in your heart that your not comfortable with it. So my advice is this if the adoption is a closed one then keep it closed until she has stayed clean for many many years, make her earn the time with him and only do this when you and the babies Dad are comfortable with it. because that is what you guys are your not the "adoptive parents " you ARE THE PARENTS of this child. Go with your gut girl! good luck! let us know what happens!

Answer 13

I would ask that she has a clean drug test within a set time before the visit and I would hire a "supervisor" to meet in a neutral vistation location, such as a public place....

We do not have to leave our homes open and empty to people who we know have used drugs in the home we own.

Answer 14

NO!!!!!!!!

You can't trust the mind of a meth addict.  They are never clean!!!!!!!! or rational...it's all waiting for the next manipulation.

If your babysitter is her best friend, you are putting your child at risk.  She has access to too much information.  You are too nice.

You need the babysitter out of your house as well.

You need to contact DHS and if you are feeling compassionate arrange a supervised visit at an attorneys office or DCF office.  Let her see him if it's for closure.  

Your compassion needs to be for YOUR SON.

Answer 15

Tell her the truth, that you are not comfortable having her in your home if you are not home,

I would let her have that time, but let her know that you will be home during her visit.  Upstairs, outside, in the office, whatever, but HOME.  Talk to your sitter, let her know what is going on, and ask for her keys before mom  arrives.  If you have a video camera, offer to let her tape the visit (Even better if it is a digital camera.. you keep a copy!)

If mom is driving, get her keys as well.

Answer 16

i wouldnt let her unless i was allowed in the room and supervising myself...and even then im not sure if i would allow it....but its your call

Answer 17

Don't do it!  I'd insist on being there.  End of story.

Answer 18

so which post are you lying about?  this one, or this one from the other day:

"but we have invited BMom to come to dinners, see our son, and she chooses not to. I've even offered to let her come to the house when I'm not there, with a babysitter who she's good friends with and introduced us, however, she still chooses not to. "

which is it?

Answer 19

NO NO NO NO NO NO.  YOU are the mom YOU set the rules and there isn't a blasted thing she can do about.  You don't have to sneak around in your own home.  

You are already too enmeshed.  You are the child's parents, and you need to establish that.  

Personally, I wouldn't even have her friend as your babysitter.  I'd be uncomfortable with her knowing where I lived.  She is a drug addict.  And you said she didn't want to give him up.

This woman did an amazing beautiful thing to allow you to be a mom to a child she gave birth to, but it isn't her baby anymore.

Get a really good lawyer.  I would be scared she'd kidnap the child - if not now later.  And allowing her to see the baby will only make her more insistent in being in this child's life.  

Have you ever read the story "if you give a Moose a muffin?"  This visit isn't going to be enough for her - next time it will be more.

This woman scares me for your child's safety.

I've read stories about really succesful open adoptions, but in most all cases, the birth mother wants no part of being a mom and is more than happy to allow her child to be adopted.  

This woman does not sound like she fits that category.

Trust your instincts and stand up for what is safe for your child.

Answer 20

So you said she was a friend of your babysitter--is your babysitter a meth addict, too?

I'm confused.  If you hire drug addicts as babysitters, maybe you're not the best judge of character...

Answer 21

Sooooo torn.  Stay in the house.  Protect your child.  I understand that the first mother wants privacy with her child too.  Privacy is a trust that must be earned.  If she stays clean, then she can eventually earn that right.  But now is not the time.  Wishing you all the best.

Answer 22

i personally know how to answer this. i was adopted as well im 17 now. and when i was 10 at the time my alcoholic birth mother got to see me alone(i was able to spend the night with her) but she wasnt allowed to drink any alocholic beverage. and she told the social serives she wouldnt but she did and i got locked out of the house for the whole night coz she was mad at me so 10 hours i was left alone outside in middle of spring. (noone i could go to for help coz we lived a long ways away from ne one) so from personall experiance if shes an addict she prolly still is so i wouldnt let him see her alone. you have to gain her trust back so even if it takes time you know you child will be safe.hope i helped

Answer 23

The fact she was doing drugs the day your son was born should tell you she doesn't really care about him. You have been raising him all this time, she just wants to be around because he is cute and not have to have any responsiblities. I would say no.

Answer 24

I would say no, to the unsupervised quiet time.  If you decide to agree to a visit at all, I would recommend it be in a neutral location, like your social worker's office, while having your social worker there as an intermediary.  

That's just my opinion, but I do think you should trust your gut instinct.

Answer 25

This is a SAFETY ISSUE....plain and simple.

You are responsible for the safety and well being of this child....DHS will hold you responsible if something happens to the child while visiting with mom.

I see contact and information about her son vital to the recovery process...however this junk has been in her system for awhile. And even after being clean for a month her body is still physiologically fighting the effect. Clean with proof for three months!!!

Answer 26

discuss this with your attorney and counselor before making any decisions.

Answer 27

As an adoptive mom, I would look at it from the standpoint of safety for your child.  If this person wasn't the birthmother, would you allow your child to be alone in her care?  If the answer is no, then I would not allow it in this case either.  Why would she need an unsupervised visit?  

Another thing that would concern me personally is that if you leave your child alone in her care and something would happen, you could be in trouble yourself, especially knowing that DHS removed the child from her care originally.  

If you have any doubts in your mind at all, I would not do it.  You might even want to call DHS and ask what the legalities are in the case.  You could always blame it on that when talking to her.  

Good luck.  I know this is a difficult decision for you, but just try to keep your child's safety and well-being at the base of your decision, and you'll be fine.

Answer 28

no you deffinatly shouldnt let her .. She obviously didnt care about him when she was pregnant with him if she did meth! soo why should you let her see how much of a miracle she is now. If you decide to let her, you NEED to stay in the house. you dont know what she could do .. if she did meth when she was pregnant with him their is no telling what she would do.

Answer 29

NO WAY

Then she will get some crazy idea that she wants him.  Have DHS get involed they can work out the detals if she should see him.  Good luck

Answer 30

I say supervised visit with you there she can be in the babies room alone after a few visits but not alone

Answer 31

She took her other child out of state. No. If she agrees to be monitored by you and a rep from DHS then maybe but she could be dangerous and I wouldn't advise having her friend babysit anymore if she's still friends with a junkie  flight risk.