Birth father question?

Question

I have a serious question to ask...

i had an unpleasant incident which resulted in an unplanned pregnancy. I was on contraception and did not find out for many many months so it was a large shock. I decided adoption as the best course of action and tried to deal witht he situation as best as i could.

because of the shock, i kept everything to myself as much as i could and the placement is going to the courts next week. I now have a terrible feeling of guilt. I did nto know the birth father apart from that one night and i have been round to the house and told that no one of his name lives there ( i only know the first name that he gave me). I know absolutely nothing about him, just that he was quite unpleasant.

I have tried my best but i feel a terrible amount of guilt and feel i am in some kind of trouble for not telling him. the new family are so very happy and it really seems the best choice all round.

please hlep, what can i do?

Answer 1

You love your baby enough to give them the best chance in life. You do not sound as if you can give your child the chances that the adopting parents will.

I have three adopted sons who have a 'Life Story book' It is a big photo album with lots of information in about 'You' what you are liek and WHY? you have had them adopted. My boys used to love reading this and it explained why their new family loved them so much and why their Mother gave them up for adoption - honestly she was in no fit state and told them this. They would like to find her sometime and think it might be when they have their own families but it has provided loads of answers for them. Even things like her family had a medical history of............. . That she hated cheese and diary!

Photographs of her. Photographs of their foster parents  and at the end photos of their new parents.

maybe doing this with your Social worker would help you to get some closure on the hand over and make you feel better about the situation.

As for the birth father. You can't find him but describe him in the book too his name and his physical description will be enough. If he ever finds you again then you can tell him what you did and he has no come back.

Answer 2

So long as you provide all the information you know about the father his rights can be legally terminated. Our birthmom had a very similar situation to yours, and the birthfathers rights are terminated in the CA courts. Even if he comes back later and says "hey, I heard you were pregnant, where is my baby" - he has no rights. If he wanted to be a dad he should have followed up with you to make sure you weren't pregnant - since he didn't he basically gave up his rights. Just make sure you are open and honest. You are doing what is best for your child, and also giving an amazing gift to another family.

Answer 3

No one can tell you, that they "understand" or "know " what you going through, because unless they have lived it they dont. All I can tell you is this, I  did choose to give up my last child and it was the hardest choice of my life. Having already been a single mother of two little ones, for me it was the best choice, my pregnancy ended and I as a result I in fact lost my son, however I will never forget being torn as far as emotions. I was overwhelmed with a feeling of happiness that I was bringing life to a family that wanted my son so very much, as well as a sense of loss for the son I would never get to look upon as a mother. This was the most diffucult time of my life, and having made the choice although my son died, has changed me forever. All I can tell you, is ...it hurts it hurts worse than any pain you will ever know ...but while you are feeling this be still and listen to you heart, it will tell you that you have made a choice that was right for you, and your baby. Keep you head up honey, be strong... you can do it !

Answer 4

I would go ahead with your plans of having your baby Adopted. ("the new family are so very happy and it really seems the best choice all round.")<<<<Your own words.

The 'Birth Father' seems to be a "LOOSER" anyway and doesn't DESERVE to know.

As you said, "I know absolutely nothing about him, just that he was quite unpleasant".

Good Luck & Best wishes to you and the New Baby!

Answer 5

If you search for him, if you gave the first name to the agency they probably checked, posted an ad or listed him on a father's site, if you told people that he knows, then you did everything you can do.  Now it is time just to worry about yourself and the baby.

Truth is who is to say that was his first name.  If he thought that it was his lucky night he could of lied about the name.  Could it be that you are worried in 18 years if the child shows up on your door step and ask who his/her dad is you will not have an answer?  That is a bridge that will be crossed if that happens.  Your child will have a mother and father and hopefully will know that you did what you felt in your heart was the right thing to do.

Answer 6

Forget about the dad, you tried to contact him in vain. You need to think what is best for you and the child involved. I think your very brave and giving your baby up for adoption is very selfless x x

Good Luck

Answer 7

First of all, he cant take legal action, u were not married to him. Secondly, this must be a very difficult decision to make so my thoughts are with you. I'm sure if you sp oke to the foster family again, there could be some aggreement so that they stayed in contact ie: photos once a year(thats quite common now) you can also leave a letter with the fostor/adoption agency and when they turn 18 they would receive it.

Answer 8

God yes, you are doing the right thing. The baby need a whole family, if all possible. God bless you for your choice.

Not knowing the father is something the courts have dealt with many times before, and it really isn't a major problem, but questions will be asked. Anticipate these questions, try not to get emotional, and answer them directly. The court will guide you through this process, because we all know what your doing is right. Goodluck to you.

Answer 9

all you can do is clear your conscience. Don't get stressed and just tell him. He will understand, of course he'll be mad but just give it time... he's gonna come around. Don't give up okay!

Answer 10

He has every right to take legal action against you and should.  Not only that, the adoptive family could lose their child because he can sue to have the adoption revoked.  A trained  investigator (especially a former cop) could find just about anybody within one day.  I would suggest that you do so and get him to approve the adoption.  You feel guilt because you deliberately are not seeking him out instead of being above board.   IF you had told him you were pregnant and he skipped out, then I have less issue with it because he knew there would eventually be a baby.

I fully believe that laws should change demanding investigators to be hired to search out the birth father. Current adoption agency methods are deliberately done to prevent the father from knowing about the adoption.  Maybe he'll be happy to sign the papers; maybe not. But you have cheated your child out of the opportunity to be raised or even KNOW  family members.

Answer 11

i was raped at 13 years old which resulted in finding out i was pregnant at 4 months.i decided to keep my baby.he is 8 now and has a younger brother and sister.i have been in a happy relationship for 6 years and plan to marry.i could neva have given up my son no matter how hard the future would be.i believe every child should be with their mother,it is after all were they belong.sorry just my opinion.choose wots rite 4 u.good luck x

Answer 12

Sounds like he lied to you. You tried to find him, you did your best. Don't feel guilty.

Answer 13

Forget about the birth father. he didn't stick around for you. You tried to tell him your plans for the baby but if he couldn't be contacted its not your fault. By the sounds of him he wouldn't be interested anyway, and doesn't sound like he'd be a great dad. You have made a very courageous decision to give up your baby because you feel it is the best thing to do for both of you. Stop worrying now about telling the father and concentrate on looking after yourself so that you can recover from this traumatic time in your life. You deserve a fresh start, not to forget your baby, because i dont think you can ever do that, but to move on, knowing that you did the best you could in very difficult circumstances. I wish you and your little one a happy future.

Answer 14

Have a clear conscience. Any man who has a one-night-stand is running the risk of becoming a father, so he can't complain if he ever comes back to you. After all, he didn't leave a forwarding address.

Answer 15

Your next best route to finding him is to publish an ad in the personals. The agency or lawyer you are using will help you word this, and should pay for it as part of the birthfather search.

Frankly, i have very little sympathy for this guy.  His choices were made when his pants hit the floor, and he should have kept in contact with you if he wanted any say in the outcome.

Answer 16

You've done everything you could.  If you were to find him, would you want him raising the child without you?  Of course, not!  You've cared for the child enough to give him life and a happy family.  Two months from now if you see the daddy, walk on and pretend you don't know him.  Protect the baby from his biological dad.  It doesn't sound like he is a caring, loving daddy-to-be!

Answer 17

Please dont feel guilty. You have chose a huge step that not alot of women can take. You have given that baby a good chance in life. You have nothing to feel Guilty about.

Answer 18

If you don't know his last name or where he lives then there is nothing you or he can do. I would say that in the court hearing also.  

Where you raped? if yes then you don't owe him anything

Was it a one night stand? then again how can you be expected to find him if you don't know who he is

Answer 19

you have nothing to feel guilty about,it is your decision at the end of the day,it was also the fathers responsibility to wear a condom,if he is as nasty as you say then maybe its best he doesn't know.

Answer 20

As for the father, don't let that be the focus of your energy or attention at this time.  Right now your baby is the only thing you need to think about.  And, it is YOUR baby.  I am not judging you for whatever decision you make.  I only want to point out some things you may not realize at this point.  First of all, do not let anyone convince you that you would be selfish to keep the baby.  Don't let anyone convince you that the baby needs a two-parent family.  The baby needs its mother.  It will never overcome the feeling that it was abandoned by its own mother.  Even if you have the best of intentions.  Now, if you decide that it truly is the only option you have, then don't beat yourself up about it.  Just realize that an adoptee will always feel some degree of loss and abandonment.

And, for your part, you may not realize how this loss would impact your own life.  This life that grew inside you for 9 months will always be in your heart and mind.  Your own loss will be painful and even overwhelming, perhaps.  

Again, I emphasize that it is not my place or anyone else's place to judge you or to intimidate you into making your choice, either way.  I only want to encourage you to be thoroughly knowledgable about adoption and adoptees, and about what first moms deal with, before you decide.  Also, know that if you want this child, there will be a way for you to do that.  You just need to find the resources available to you.  Good luck with your decision!

Answer 21

If you and whatever adoption agency/attorney you've used have made every reasonable attempt to contact your child's father and have been unsuccessful, I don't know what else you can do.  

I don't think this is an attempt to keep this man from knowing he has fathered a child, but rather, if he did not give true information about himself, there's only so much that can be done.  Not like you can call every name in the phonebook and try to find him.  If you're providing everything you have to the investigators and the information that he gave you was false, I think you should try to set your mind at ease.  

I am wondering if the "unpleasant incident' is a rape/sexual assault.  If it was, please get help for yourself.  Good luck.

ETA: Totalrecipehound: I do agree that birthfather's rights often get overlooked in adoption, but in this case, I think everything reasonable has been done.  If the name/address this man gave to this woman was false information, a private investigator couldn't do much either.

Answer 22

I am fairly certain that if you gave the adoptive family all the information you have that they ran it past their lawyers. They must have been given the go-ahead.

I think you are being too hard on yourself. An acquaintance of mine had a baby and gave it to another family and it was the best choice for her. If that is the case then it is also best for your baby. You have given that family a wonderful gift....

I have a two year old daughter out of wedlock (and with a jerk who just didn't care). After much thought my gut feeling was to keep her. She has been the best thing to happen in my life - ever. I was ready though.

Best wishes to you.