Birth moms: Do you have peace with your decision to relinquish your child for adoption?

Question

Please include:

** How many years have passed?

**What "stages" that you've gone through as you've dealt with your decision.

**Looking back, could you have raised the child?

Genuinely interested.

1

Answer 1

i have never given my child up however my mom was adopted as well as my dad. They both have had different feelings toward it. My mom has always wanted to meet her birth mother but has been unsucsessful in finding her ... she still would love to meet her. My dad has always seen my grandma as his mother, nothing would change that. Me personally since I could never do that just because it would break my heart and leave me wondering i just couldn't. However i believe Adoption is a wonderful decision for people ... at least your giving your child a chance at happiness ... thats the way i see it. Im 20 with two beautiful children and my husband (boyfriend with number one at the age of 18) adoption was something we really did think about but i am so happy we didn't. hope this helped

Answer 2

Dear Nurse,

NO, I DO NOT.

It has been 12 & 1/2 years.

I have been through all the "stages" of grieving (some MULTIPLE times, PLUS shock at discovering how much I was LIED to, betrayal, anger, fear, depression, hopelessness, worry, guilt, etc. and am sure there are still more to come.

I was ALWAYS capable of raising my child. I thought (and was told repeatedly) that adoption was a "gift". I know better now.

Answer 3

Nope because I didn't make a decision. I looked into my options and had my choice taken from me when SWs shoved papers in my face while in my hospital bed and heavily medicated.

Its been almost 3 years

I've been through all the stages of grief but acceotance. I cycle through them. I have a diagnoses of PTSD now.

I could have raised my child better than the people she is with. I'm sure not all first mothers can say that but I have seen their parenting and compared it to mine. My children raised developed at a much faster rate. They had a much more stable first few years. They had less material c**p that is all. I'll leave it at that before I end up crying all night at what happened to my poor child.

Answer 4

Well I can' speak for myself, I have never given a child up for adoption and am pregnant with number one and am not giving him up for adoption, I would just die.

But, my good friend got pregnant with a girl when she was about 21. She gave the baby up for adoption when she was born.

She thinks of and hold a special place for her daughter in her heart. It has been something like 6-8 years for her, not sure exactly. But she does not regret what she has done and she has peace with it. She knew she did not want to be a mother and she found her daughter a good home and she does not regret it.

I also had a friend when I was a teenager who got pregnant at the age of 12 with her 12 year old boyfriend. She had the baby when she was 13 and she gave him up for adoption. She knew she could not care for him but even when I met her, she was about 16 year of age, so 3 years had passed. You could tell she LOVED her son with a passion and she had told me whe she is able to she wants him back, that is if he wants to be with her and not with his adoptive parents... is what she said. I know it hurt her a lot to not have him with her and I felt for her. She was also very sensative about anyone who would even hint toward critisizing her for her decision.

I think some people really want their children but they know they can not give their children the things they need and they are not ready to be parents. I I have a lot of respect for those people who put their childrens needs before their own.

And there are some people who know they would be miserable as parents. Even though they may love their kids they just know they do not want to be parents and themselves and their kids would be happier if they found a different home. They may also want their kids but also have mixed feeling and fears.

I respect peoples decision and I know there are people you can talk to about it.

If anything hopefuly if you want to meet your child and want to be in your childs life after giving them up for adoption they will aslo want the same.

Answer 5

I was bullied out of my child, so I will never truly have peace.  I was lied to by the people who were supposed to protect me.  My son is now an adult.

Answer 6

yes i had a baby when i was 16 and gave it up for adoption.  i was in high school and i knew i couldnt take care of it.  i dont believe in abortion but i thought about it but it was too late when i was finally able to admit that i was pregnant.  my bf was 16 too and we both agreed to adopt our baby.  i went to live with my grandpa and had the baby because i didn't want anyone to know at my school.  my mom didn't want me to go but i was afraid to stay.  she didn't want me to give the baby away and she is sometimes sad and cries because of it but it was my decision to make.  afterward i went back to my school and didn't tell anyone and still haven't but i am writing a research paper on adoption.  i haven't decided if i will say it happened to me.. i really didn't go thru any stages. I think about it sometimes but mostly it is just something that happened to me in my past.  i finished high school and now i'm in college.  if i had to go thru it again i'd do the same thing.  i know i couldn't of taken care of a baby.  i wouldn't of finished school or got to go to college.  it changed mt life and the way i do things and make decisions mostly for the better.  i think it made me grow up.  i'm not happy it happened but i think i am a better person now.  i'm not sad, i'm just living my my life.

Answer 7

It was NOT a decision.  It was coerced, and any coerced decision is NOT a decision at all as there is no freedom of choice.  If coercion was applied to a mother, to get her to surrender, and she surrendered, then it is not a decision.  The "decision" myth has been created by the same adoption social workers who work on mothers to get them to surrender.

(Coercion also encompasses financial coercion which usually takes the form of deliberate withholding of the financial and social support she needs to keep her baby -- such as lack of adequate welfare such that she is left in dire poverty -- a human rights abuse.)

** How many years have passed?

28.

**What "stages" that you've gone through as you've dealt with your decision.

what stages?  it was a form of rape back then, and it still is. the results: unresolved grief and loss and PTSD.  what have i done to deal with it?  

- anti-anxiety meds to deal with the hypervigilence and panic attacks.

- EMDR for the flashbacks.  

- anti-depressants for unresolved grief.  

- grief counselling (did NOT work as the "stages of grief" model not apply -- there is NO closure).    

- finding my son and reuniting with him.  adopting-him back.  

**Looking back, could you have raised the child?

YES.  very competently.

(btw, i'm still a mother to him and hence by definition not a "birth mother." he even calls me "Mom")