Birth moms: What is the right thing to do?

Question

There was a recent question about mother's day on here and the first mom. My daughter is two, so she can't really send something truly personal at this point without me having a hand in creating something, but would it be OK to send our bmom a mother's day card with some of her scribbling in it? The only contact is through the letters and pictures I send through the agency, but if it is the AP that initiates it would a birhtmom percieve this as we are thinking about her and honoring her positively or negatively?

Answer 1

I am an adoptive mom and I think the birthmother would love that you thought of her on mother's day. Without birthmom's we would never become mom's ourselves. I think if you start the tradition now with your help, your daughter will want to continue it as she grows. We send letter/pics thru our agency too and I keep copies of everything for our son so he has them when he gets older.

BTW, I saw on a site that birthmother's day is the day before mother's day but I think we only need one day for all mother's...both birth and adoptive. just my feeling!

Answer 2

I think it is very generous of you to think of her. It would be A very kind thing to do. I would think of it as a positive thing for sure.

Answer 3

my daughter was in foster care for 18 months. Everything that the foster parents did to keep me informed of what was going on in my daughter's life was appreciated, and I never felt that the foster parents had any negative reasons for doing it, other than just to keep me involved as much as possible. When I regained custody, however, the foster parents did not show up with my daughter as they were instructed. It was very hard for them to give her back to me. I now have full custody again, but still maintain cintact with them and their children. My daighter still spends time with them, and goes to birthday parties, etc. I see no reason to exclude these people from my daughter's life, as they were there for her when I was not. I have no hard feelings toward them and I really hope they feel the same way about me. The way l look at it: my daughter now has a very extended family of people who love her and care about her. The more the merrier!

Answer 4

I think it's a beautiful idea.  Every holiday, I trace my son's hand and put it in a card for his bio grandparents.  I then write his name and the date in the handprint.  He's now old enough that he writes his own name and date.  They have told me that they cherish that.  

If your daughter is too young to write, you could still have her color the handprint.  

Good luck!

Answer 5

Yes, your daughter's scribbles would be treasured!

Answer 6

As a fmom, I would have loved to see my daughters scribbles on Mothers Day.

Answer 7

DD's first mom says she can never have too many pictures.

we have sent folders of artwork.  Photo books filled with lots pictures are great too.  This year plan to photo copy all of her scrapbooks and sent them to her first mom.  The first mom will cherish anything you give her.  I think it would be positive as you are sharing parts of her child with her.

Answer 8

I was adopted as a baby, and met my birth parents as an adult.  My b-mom would have FLIPPED WITH JOY to get a mother's day card like you describe.  Go for it.

Answer 9

Quote " to send our birthmother" Unquote

Are you for Real ??

She isnt YOUR birthmother she is your daughters.

If I was the Mother who gave birth in this instance and got a card from YOU with my daughter I relinquished , scribbling on instigated by you It would break my heart...

No I think it would be in poor taste

Send your daughters Mother who gave birth to her a lovely photo of her daughter instead (With a hand print/footprint as Andraya suggested)

Answer 10

We adopted our daughter in Feb. We will be sending a mothers day card to her mom in India. They don't even have mothers day there but I will explain what it is for and how much she is appreciated. I completely think it is great to send your daughters mom a card.

Answer 11

She may or may not want anything to remind her of what she gave away. But I would still do a little something to let her know that she is still in her thoughts and you clearly dont want to cut all ties with her.

Answer 12

I would think that she would see if as an honor, she is a mother, after all, even if she choose to give up her child.  You might wish to include a nice note thanking her for the opportunity to be a mom yourself so it's clear that you are grateful to her and her choice.

Answer 13

I havent given a child up for adoption so I dont know personally, but it sounds like a really nice thing to do. Im sure that day will be hard for her, and knowing that she is thought of will probably make her feel better.

Answer 14

Andrya is right.....Hand prints or footprints would be nice from your daughter.

You can buy the plate kits where you push there little hand in to make a handprint. Or one of the casting kits of her little hand. You could do both a footprint and handprint with a little poem. I think it is so important to acknowledge your childs first mom on mother's day. It will say volumes to your child when she is older that you honored her mother.

Answer 15

I would think that she would appreciate your acknowledgment of her role in your daughters birth on this special day. I am sure that she will be thinking of her on Mothers Day.

Answer 16

I think it would probably mean a lot to her.  I'm sure she is truly grateful for you, and will be thinking of her on mothers day.  That  is very sweet of you to think about her!!

Answer 17

I think its a beautiful idea.  If she wishes to stay in touch, whatever those parameters are, she cares.  I can't think of a mother - birth or adopted - that's heart won't warm at the sight of a child's first scribbled card.  

I think its a very positive way to honor her contribution to your family and a very thoughtful idea from you.

Answer 18

You know what I would have LOVED to get? Imprints of my son's hands and feet. Just to see how little they were. I have a mold I made when he was 3 months and an ink print I made when he was 21 months but I would love to have more. Honestly they are my most cherished memories of him.

I think sending something for mother's day is a great idea. Just because your child isn't with you doesn't mean you stop feeling like a mommy and having two mothers is an amazing feeling... it just feels like love *sigh*.

Answer 19

if that was me i would cry because of how beautiful it is.

Answer 20

Yes ! Send it. That is so nice !