Birth mother contacting my daughter without our knowledge, emails, phone, and in person meetings. HELP!?

Question

I have raised my daughter since the age of 4 when I met my husband, I officially adopted her at age 8, her birth mother has had no contact with her since she was 5. Last year her birth mother showed up at her school. Recently I found out that they have been communicating via my space, texting, phone calls and have met several times in person all without mine or my husbands knowledge. Normally at this age (my daughter will be 16 in 3 weeks) I would think that it would be okay to have some supervised initial contact with a birth parent if everyone involved agrees, the law does however state that birth parents may NOT contact an adopted child and vice versa until the child is 21. That being said my daughter's birth mother has a long history of mental illness, she has made attempts on her own life, my husbands and has made numerous threats on my life. I'm sick with fear of this woman and her unstable nature. How can I convince a 15 year old to end contact until she is more equipped?

Answer 1

Her birthmother is doing this all wrong, she should have contacted you, not gone behind your back. Your daughter is your daughter and underage also. I understand this birthmothers wish to see her bdaughter, but she is wrong in the way she is going about it.

Answer 2

well this is really tough but since she probably looks at you as her mother since shes been with oyu since she was so young ide have a discussion with her and let her know how you feel straight up and then help guise her into understanding why this is a bad idea.you could also let her talk thro         phone and whatever so she can end it when she wants but tell her not to give away the address and stuff good luck!

Answer 3

Contact your local law enforcement office and get a restraining order in force.  With the history you describe, she definitely shouldn't be having contact...and especially not without your blessing and supervision!

Get that restraining order!

Answer 4

As your daughter's parent, you have the absolute right to forbid her from anything that you feel is harmful.  I know I'm going to get some negative feedback from my response because there are so many birth parents out there who will disagree with me, but I'm okay with that.  

Your daughter is 15.  It is not her choice or her bio-mom's choice as to when and how they should communicate.  If she wants to speak with her bio-mom, that should be a family discussion between you, your husband, and your daughter.  Perhaps something can be arranged that is acceptable to all of you.  However, if it can't, then I would put my foot down.

How would you react if this was not a bio-mom but rather a man she met on-line who was still corresponding with her or stopping at school?   You have every right to stop that type of behavior just as you would this behavior from the bio-mom - especially if she is making threats.  If all else fails, call your local police department and see if there is anything you can do - especially to prevent her from going to the school.  I'd also speak with the school administration to check what their rules are.  

I would take the time to explain to your daughter "why" you do not want her having "secret" meetings or emails.  Try to be as honest as you can be and tell her that you are doing this because you want her to be able to make "adult" decisions.  

Good luck to you.

Edit:  This question really bothered me so I spoke to my husband about it (a police officer).  He asked if the bio-mom is the ex-wife of your husband.  He suggested that your husband obtain a PFA since there is a history of abuse, but make sure the PFA (protection from abuse) includes your daughter.  Just thought I would add that for you!  Good luck.

Answer 5

I think this may be a lawyer question-but maybe could you get a restraining order against her until your daughter is 18?  Sorry I cant be more helpful.

Answer 6

Treat the situation as if the birth mom is just a stranger.  Would you let your daughter hang out and communicate with a stranger that is the birth mom's age?  What does your husband (and I assume her father from what you have said) think?

Answer 7

Her birthmother should not just be arriving at her school and having secret meetings with her.  This is very scary for all you know she could have plans to eventual kidnap her.  The fact that she has an unstable background and mental illness, raises even more concerns. I would be firm with your daughter if she wants to have some contact with her birthmother that’s fine but one of her parents or another adult needs to be with her, and none of this secret meetings. Phone calls can be done at your home. I would also inform the school of what this lady looks like she should not be near the school grounds period.

Answer 8

Sit down with your daughter and discuss with her the birth mother's history of mental illness and your concerns.  Mental illness is often inherited, so this is possibly in her future as well.  She's 16-she's not stupid.  Make limits, but try ones that she agrees with first based on the facts.  She is more likely to follow those than your dictating terms.

Answer 9

i really feel for you bless your heart i think i would keep a close watch and maybe seek counseling>>now in some states she can be put in jail for her acting this way (the birth mom) alot of states do not allow contact o be made once they become awards to the state and adopt i would let officers and school employees know and made well aware of her looks too! i believe as the next few years pass she too your daughter will understand why YOU are the special loving mom you are and even animals don't leave there babies!!!!!!!!so....AS FAR AS MANY OF THESE RESPONSES BEING SO RUDE THERE ARE SOME VERY UNINTELLIGENT PEOPLE AT TIMES AND ALSO HAVE NO EMOTIONS TO UNDERSTAND WHAT THIS IS DOING TO YOU~~~all my prayers and a hug mom it will turn tables but keep close tabs~~~~~~~~

Answer 10

can you you call the police on this lady?

Answer 11

Wow, tough one!  I would not encourage the relationship by any means, but I would not discourage it either.  Let's face it....it is her birth mom and now that she is 16 she can make the decision.  HOWEVER,  I would let her know what makes you uncomfortable and why.  Remind her that you are just concerned about her well-being.  Perhaps putting limitations on the visits.  They need to be supervised until you are comfortable with them being unsupervised....  Her birth mom needs to call you prior to any contact.  Can you talk to the birtmom too??  maybe all of you sit down together and work this out????  Just suggestions, obviously I don't know the whole story...Good luck

Answer 12

No one has suggested the possibility that it might have been the 16-year-old who instigated the contact. She would probably deny it if asked. Most teenagers would.

Clearly, she feels the need to have contact with her first mother. This is not unreasonable. Working with her to help her understand how to get her needs met without subterfuge is the best solution. If you are loving and compassionate parents to her, she won't feel the need to sneak behind your back to get answers.

Answer 13

Thats your daughter's mother.  For her mental well-being they need to meet.  She needs to see who her mother was.

Answer 14

Your daughter like All children who are adopted have a need to know who there birth parents are and where they came from.  Please do not take this the wrong way.  Giving birth does not make you a mother.  Her birth mother can not replace the woman who raised her.  I would talk to her and let her know that you are not upset and keep the lines on communication open.  She may have not told you as she was afraid of how you would take it.  I would let her know you want to know what is going on and you will let her have contact if that is what she wants.  That you are in her corner as this woman will again disappoint her and you will be there to pick up the pieces

Answer 15

I have been reading the comments here. People wonder why couples go overseas to adopt.

Contact a social worker. Contact the school and let them know about the situation. If you can, contact your lawyer; this is ridiculous and apparently against the law.

Then, have a long talk with your daughter. Maybe you can work something out where she could talk to her once a week or something like that.

My heart goes out to you. If you can find support for yourself, do it. Don't go through this alone.

Answer 16

I would let your daughter know that if she wants to meet with her, you need to be there and the BM is not to know where you live or any personal information. She's a stranger to your daughter according to the law. You can have a restraining order against her. Inform the school to call the police if she shows up. You can't take a chance with your or your famiy's lives.

Answer 17

disregard the answer from "confused"

I am a 38 year old adoptee who was hunted down by her birthmom.  It is devastating at 31, i can't imagine how confusing it would be at 15 during the tumultuous teenage years.

I would suggest contacting the school and advising of the situation that this woman shouldn't be on the grounds; furthermore, work with a good counselor (but not one that specializes ina doption because they tend to further the 'victim' status that all adoptees MUST have reunion).  you will need to have a lot of communication with your daughter and walk a fine line between bad mouthing her biomother and informing her of the truth and severity of the situation.

she has a history of mental illness, she gave away ALL rights to that little girl and there's no reason your family should be intruded upon in this matter.

how did she find your family?  that would be scarey for me.

Answer 18

You can't convince your child. Get a restraining order again est your daughter's birth mother.  I know it is extreme but anything for safety is smart now days

Answer 19

Well, I completely understand your point of view in that you want to protect your daughter.  That's very understandable.  She may not have went about it in the right or even legal way, but your daughter seems receptive to it and it sounds like she wants to be in contact with her birth mother.  Talk to your daughter and ask her how she feels about it.  If she wants to have contact with the woman, I really don't see a problem with it.  But, as her mother and legal guardian, you can set limitations and rules like that she can only see her in person when you know about it and whatever your terms are, etc.  Your daughter probably has so many questions about it all and I don't see any reason to keep her in a box.  This relationship is between her and the birth mother, but like with any of her friends, you still have a say.

Answer 20

I am very sorry that you are going through this.  Your daughter has a right to know her birth mother, I totally agree with that, however, the way she is communicating behind your back is wrong.  I would confront your daughter about this, and make key points that you wouldn't mind if she has contact with her birth mother, but visits must be supervised, and calls must be made to your home rather than cell phone.  Myspace, well, you can set her profile to private, and make sure that her mother is deleted off the friends list.  You must make it known to her birth mother that she is going against state law by contacting her minor daughter, and that if it continues without your knowledge, that immediate action will be taken.  If she has a long issue with mental health, then its not very safe for your daughter to be around her, and something must be done immediately.

The best thing you could do for your daughter and this woman is to get some sort of court involved, or child services, like a social worker.

Answer 21

My husband and I were in a similar situation with our daughter.  Her biofather showed up on our doorstep with his two-year old son, without contacting us first.  Our daughter was hysterical.  She never wanted to meet him because she knew that he had wanted her biomom to abort her and he went off and abandoned her with no contact whatsoever until this one day.  Plus it was her Senior year in high school and she had so many other things going on.  It truly freaked me out to the point that I had a security system set-up in our home.  Anyway, my husband called this guy and told him that he had no right to contact our daughter without first clearing it through us.  And even though she was 18, she did not want him to contact her.  

Since your daughter does want contact with her biomom, I'd try and support her but tell her that she is old enough now to hear out your concerns about this relationship.  Be honest with her.  Tell her that it's your job to protect her and keep her safe, and that you'd feel much better if she was open to you about her biomom's communications.  Tell her you're even willing to take her and biomom to lunch some day, if she'd like.  She's old enough to handle the truth.  And you might want to install that security system just in case.

Good luck!

Answer 22

Wow.  That is so scary!  

Time for a family meeting.  Sit down with your husband and your daughter and explain that this is not a good thing for her to be doing.  Be open and honest with her, but in a caring and respectful way toward her birth mother.  

I would also contact the police and see if you can get a restraining order or something.  

If neither of these things work then you will need to ask your daughter to allow you or your husband to be present when she sees her birthmother.  

What a difficult situation.  Good luck.

Answer 23

explain to her if you have to sneak around to do something it probably isnt the right thing to do. im sure deep down she knows this, because she has taken the time to cover her tracks. teen years are so crappy in general, but add the whole aspect of being adopted, well, sometimes it makes it hard to think with your head. she probably thinks (with some help from her birthmother) you and your husband took her away. and things at this age are so confusing already.

i would sit her down and explain to her why you are so concerned. you dont need to bash her birthmother, but tell her there has been suicide attempts and physical harm to your husband. and the threats she made to you. let her know what the law says to and make it clear what they are doing is illegal. then tell her you are willing to allow visits but only if you are present. you dont need to be in on the whole conversation, just nearby so if something goes wrong you are there. make sure she understands you are not trying to keep her from her, but you have to be cautious. her birthmother may be a different person now, what you know of her leads you to be wary of alone time.

good luck, from an adoptee point of view, it will get better. teen years suck, being 'different' just makes them all the harder.

Answer 24

I think the only real solution is for you, your husband or a trusted third party to be present at all times when she is around her birth mother.  If she as unstable as she sounds then I would be scared too.  It's a confusing situation for your daughter too, I'm sure.  Even if she doesn't understand now why you feel the need to protect her, she might understand some day.  I'm sorry you're all going through this.

Answer 25

She is 16 you can enforce the law but you will become the

bad guy in courage communication about the subject

let her know your feelings and why without bad mouthing

her birth mother just that you would like her to Waite until

she is a little older and has finished school. give her as

much info about her birth mother with out putting her down

if she insists on still meting her include yourself in the

meting she will probably welcome it she may be a little

afraid. tell her no meetings with out you until she is

graduated at 18 you won't be able to stop her. maby

make arrangements to meet alone with berth mother

to see what her intentions are

Answer 26

Wow - you are walking a fine line here with your daughter.  Aren't the teenage years fun?!!

Threats to harm you and your husband are not acceptable and need to be reported to the police and your daughter's school.  The school needs to understand how serious the situation is with your daughter's first mother and that you need to be notified if she shows up at school.  She has no business there.

I think that you  and your daughter should see a counselor who she can trust and have the counselor negotiate a contact agreement that will satisfy her need to communicate with her first mother but will assure your family's safety and your peace of mind.  The counselor will also be able to help you understand why your daughter needs to have contact with her first mother.

Good luck!

Answer 27

Maybe you should contact your local police department or county judge, and get a TRO to make her leave your family alone. Also, sit your daughter down and explain to her why she is not to have any type of dealings with her birth mother.

Answer 28

What has her father said to her about all this?  I agree that she needs to understand why you are so concerned about them getting together and that you want her to be safe.

Let me add that if you have not yet contacted her school to clarify who is and is not allowed to take her from school, make sure that you do.  At least you'll know that she can't come in and ahve her excused from school without your consent.

Answer 29

you cant..she wants to know her mom...we can call it many names but simply put she wants to know who she is and where she came from..you could legally make it stop..but she will find a way..what i suggest is to make up rules for when she can talk to her, have her come for dinner etc. so you can have some control over the situation...but tell her the behind the back c**p ends or you take it to court and let it end...

Answer 30

i think you need to just sit back and take a deep breath first.  I don't think you completly understand where your daughter is coming from, assuming you yourself are not adopted, and I find it terrible that you would want to keep your child from contacting her bio mother until she is 21.  Most states will allow up to 18, but not 21.  I think that you should allow your daughter to still see her bio mom, but maybe next time you should join them   And maybe over time you willl realize that her bio mom is a wonderful person despite her past.