Birth mothers AND fathers, what goes through you're minds, before, after, and forever?

Question

I am adopted and have a lot of issues, that didnt really arise until I was older. I love my adopted parents to bits, but I wonder a lot.

I feel like I dont really belong around where I live, I have such different outlooks on life and different standards and morals to my adoptive parents and a lot of my friends. I always wonder would I have felt like I belonged more if I was never given up.

To any birth mothers or fathers out there, what do you think about? Birthdays, christmas, 18ths, 21st birthdays? I always wonder is my mother thinking of me. Im 23 now.

particularly interested in hearing from fathers. and from people who have an adopted sibling out there somewhere. I always wonder if i have brothers or sisters!

Answer 1

I am a birth mother.  What did I think about before, after during? Wow what a roller coaster it was.  First, I was single, pregnant and though I thought I loved the birth father, I think I knew he would not be there.  I wanted my child to have a good life, grow up happy, have a mother & a father, want for nothing.  After I left the hospital, what a whirlwind - I changed my mind, contact DHS to see if I could get help, contacted the birthfather to let him know, contact this adoption agency to let them know, went through all the budgeting etc.  Then I faced reality.  I couldn't do that to my son.

I went through an adoption agency that kept my file on record (in case the child wanted to contact me after he was 18).  It wasn't necessary.  He'll be a senior this fall and well he just im'd me that he's going to get his senior pics taken soon.  Yes, the parents I chose offered to allow contact to continue and over 17 years later we are still in contact.  They are his parents and they were exactly what I wanted for him.

Answer 2

Snowillow and I are from the same era. I too had Vietnam involved in my life at that time. Long story short. For the first 10 years I knew before her birthday that it was coming, for instance: tomorrow is her birthday, and then the day after her birthday I would remember it was the day before. I never remembered on her birthday for the first 10 years. I think it was a defense mechanism. But I still thought about her before and after, and wondered why not on her birthday. After that her birthdays were the worst day of my entire year. I wondered if she was going to hate me. I wondered if she was still alive, being taken care of properly, being abused. What she looked like. And then I got my phone call, shortly after her 28th birthday. We have been in reunion for almost 9 years now, we found her father last October.

I just talked to him yesterday. I asked him how it felt to get a phone call on Sunday and have someone say Happy Fathers Day? He was as speechless on Monday as he was on Sunday, but he admitted it was a wonderful feeling. My daughter and I have to go slow with him, he is digesting things still. He loves her, he's happy we found him. He worried the same way I did. He was sorry for everything that happened. And he is trying to build a life with his only child.

Yes we think of you. More than we want to admit sometimes because it hurts. Even if you get a good home.

Answer 3

I've told my story on here many times. I'm a birthmom, it was 1972, closed adoption, boyfriend was off to Viet Nam, his parents thought giving her up was the way to go, we'd "get over it". Being unwed was shameful. Nobody in our family wanted to help us, we were counseled on how to give her up not how to keep her. I was 17 and graduated high school pregnant although no one knew. I lived a life of secrets, lies, guilt and fear. Guilty for the horrible thing I had done, fear of her hating me and lies of omission, like she didn't exist . I had nightmares for years, I'd cry my eyes out every birthday, they were the worst, I'd make myself sick, call in sick to work and my husband would just hold me, you see we married in 1973, she was 1 1/2. There were a few years where I didn't think of her everyday. In 2001 I decided to search, she was 29 1/2. I contacted the agency and left a note in her file. She hadn't looked so my sister found a search Angel and a couple of months later I found her. We are all thrilled to have her back in our family. At the time, we were told it was best, who knew how this was going to control our lives. We had a son in 1977, he was raised an only child and didn't know he had a bio sister until he was 23. He was hurt that we had never told him. My birth daughter has issues. It is hard for her to get close to anyone, even her adopted brother and 3 step brothers, I have big trust issues. There was and is hardly a day that goes by that I don't think about her, now on birthdays I call her on the phone. I would like a closer relationship with her but I don't think she can. We have both been in counseling and that has helped. We've been in reunion since 2001. We missed out on so much in her life but we were there for her 30th birthday and the birth on her last child, we are making new memory's. Life is good.

Answer 4

My bio-sister just found me a couple of months ago.  She grew up with my/our mother and there is a brother and another sister.  She told me that she always knew she had a big brother out there somewhere (while I never knew anything about siblings) she had this little fantasy that I would show up just in time to beat up her bullies.  She has  searched for me for as long as she was old enough to know how.

I am in contact with my mother, though I'm actually a little freaked out, more now than when I first spoke to them on the phone.  I didn't expect to feel all of what I am feeling and be suddenly confused.  Maybe if I could just go immediatly and meet everyone it would be different but I dont have any vacation right now and they are on the other side of the country.  I'm speaking to a shrink in part because of dealing with it all.  I always thought, you know, I have a mother out there somewhere and I had all the questions you do.  It is so overwhelming to suddenly have an entire family dropped in your lap.  It really stirs up a lot of powerful feelings and emotions knowing they all have been wondering about me and looking for me for as long as I have felt alone they've been feeling my absense/loss as a group.

LOL my mother likes the same books that I do, I have artists in my bio-family.  There are so many too close for coincidence similarities and they look like me!  Its crazy.  Its even scary.

My mother told me she never wanted to give me up but her father made her three days after she gave birth to me and it was the hardest thing she ever had to do.  She's thought about me everyday of my life.  I'm 36.  I will meet my sister for the first time 4rth of July weekend.  I'm hoping to go meet the rest around Christmas.

Of course your mother is thinking of you on your B-day and Christmas.  You are a part of her and always have been.  Plucked out of her body and out of her arms but never out of her heart.

Just a hint of advice, I never would have thought of this but here is how my sister found me...

You can look up records of name changes.  When you were adopted you obviously had a name change.  My sister looked up name changes that happened at the same time I was born or a couple of days after anyways.  Then she narrowed those down by s*x.  Then she got a copy of my birth certificate and checked the records for my drivers license to find out where I lived and mailed me a letter.  Working in reverse might be easier?  Maybe you could get the records for your own name change and find out what it was first?  You already know where you were born and when.

Answer 5

Some of those answers you have had are really insightful. My daughter is not an adult or an adoptee that found his brithfamily she's just a toddler turning 2 in nov. I knew what it was like growing up in a single parent home and i didnt want that for Aria and her father told me in the very begining he couldnt be there for her the way he needed to be. Sucked but he was honest about it. When i was a teenager i decided that if this ever happend to me and the father left and i couldnt realy take care of her like she needed to then i would do adoption. I know sounds strange to you but when you come from a one parent home dad completely left and mom is stuggling to make ends meet you think about things like that.  It was the hardest choice i ever will make when i first saw her i knew i was completly in love with her and yes there were times i was considering keeping her but i knew in my heart this was the best thing. The day in court after we both gave up our rights her father ran out of the courtroom and i ran to the bathroom threw up and slide down the floor and cried. There isnt a day that goes by that i dont think of her she is the best thing i have ever done and i couldnt be more proud of her. I ahve an open adoption so i still visit her so i dont wonder if she's taken care of and happy cause i know she is. I guess i wonder more if she remembers me. As a baby she knew my by sound and my heart there was no question in her mind who i was i was mommy but now that strong bond we had has dimmed because of her bond with her A mother. It hurts alot when she runs to her and calls her mommy but i would be more scared if she didnt and to know she is ajusting well so far gives me peace. Nothing scares me more then she not wanting to see or talk to me when she's older because of the descision i not only made for her but for me as well. But trust me your mom does love and think about you sweetie good luck

Answer 6

I am birth mother.  I had my daughter 4 years ago.  My husband (who was my boyfriend at the time) and I were in college and were not ready for a baby.  I wanted his approval on everything, so I allowed myself to be persuaded into thinking this was the best decision for everyone.  I went out to California for 2 and half months hiding basically from my family.  I was lonely, I cried everyday.  I missed my parents, my bf, my friends, and my pets.  I dreaded the thought of going through the labor by myself.  I thought I was emotionally detached from the little baby growing inside of me.  Well that was not the case, once I had my daughter,  I held her for a few minutes and cried.  I knew there was no turning back.  The adoptive parents were so in love with her.  I wanted to take her back home with me, but that would have been really hard to explain.  Needless to say, I wasn't given much time after I had her to make up my mind.  I came back to the east coast and cried everyday for her.  I wrote her letters constantly.  I even got up some nerve to call the adoptive parents to see how she was doing.  Eventually, the adopt. mother called me and asked me to stop mailing letters, b/c it made her feel less of a mother.  That hurt pretty bad.  So I stopped writing 2 years ago.  I have started back though.  Anyway, to answer your question, there has not been one day that wonder what she looks like or what she doing.  I love that baby, and I always will.  I hope one day she will find me!  I believe that your bio mother loves you dearly and probably thinks about you all the time!

Answer 7

I had a little boy that I gave up 4 adpotion when I was 19. It was one of the hardest things 4me 2 do, but at the time I felt it was the best thing 4 him. I was already raiseing a little boy pretty much by myself his daddy wouldnt help me do anything. I worked while he ran the roads and one of my friends wacthed him 4 me.

He's now 4 fixing 2 be 5 and me and his adpopted parents are fixing to get together an let him get to know his older brother, plus since then I have had 2 other children and I would love 4 them  2 get 2 know each other.