Birth parents: what would you want to know?

Question

If you recieved a letter from a child that you had placed for adoption who is now an adult, what would you want it to say?

Answer 1

i was in your exact position.  i went through the same thing.

you don't allow email, but if you want you can email me, and tell me where to email back.

also, please join us at adultadoptees.org  there are lots of us there who know a whole lot of what you're going through.

Answer 2

I would just want to answer any questions that they may have. Tell them about your medical history, about their fathers history (if known). This could be vital information for them later on in life

Answer 3

That they had a good life and know I did what I thought was the best for them.

Answer 4

Meet me at such and such a place at such and such a time. It's time we saw each others faces again and there is too much to talk about to put in a letter.

Answer 5

I would want to hear a bit about her, like marriage, children, did she have a good home life, were her parents kind to her, I'd want a baby picture, a grade school picture and a picture from now. And......I'd want to know if she hated me for giving her up.

Answer 6

I'm difficult.  I would rather have the conversation to be able to listen to tone, inflection, and body gestures to know how my son is and has been all of these years.  It cannot be conveyed in a letter, otherwise I would have written that letter long ago and not worried about where my son was at in processing the concept and identity of being relinquished and being adopted.

Also, if I had to settle for a letter, I would want the truth of his existence.  I don't want to hear the myth of a good life and that he respects what we did.  Society feeds me enough of that hoke, I don't need my son repeating such nonsense.  The feelings are probably much more complicated than that and I accept that.  (Which also goes along why I have never written a "why I relinquished you for adoption" letter.)

Answer 7

I think what they WANT to know, and what they ultimately need to know are two different things.

Most probably want to know things were happy, so they feel the adoption was worthwhile.

Start out slowly, tell her the basics, nothing too intimate in a letter.

You have the rest of your lives to catch up, don't overwhelm her at first.

Besides, your own feelings about being adopted might change once you know what you missed out on over the years of separation, I know mine did.

S-L-O-W is my best advice.

Answer 8

I can only tell you what my son wrote to me when we were reunited; I had no expectations, so his letter was perfect.  It came after I had been contacted by the searcher, and had given permission for contact.

He told me why he had waited so long to find me.

He told me he was happy, and that his adoptive family had been wonderful and he had a happy childhood.

He told me a bit about his life and family.  

He told me he wanted to meet me.

It was lovely.

Add:  After seeing your additional information, it seems that you have found her but she doesn't know it yet.  In that case, the letter should be much less information; just basically introducing yourself and asking if she would be open to further contact.

Answer 9

I would want it to say that I loved him and never wanted to hurt him and hope I did the best I could picking out his parents.I would understand if he had anger at me but that I thought I was doing the right thing.To also know that I wanted to keep him and they wouldn't let me.

Answer 10

Oh great, I'm in the college library bawling.

I am a first mom. Just to be safe, have a list of questions written down. When calling anyone, the FIRST thing you should ask is if this is a good time to talk? Identify yourself. Be prepared that she / he might want to call back. It's the most important call they've ever waited for and they want to make sure that they don't have any distractions. If they are in the middle of something, they will want to finish it up so they can give you their undivided time and attention.

I would want to know ANYTHING. There's nothing my daughter, "Lauren" could say that wouldn't be absolutely fascinating. EVerything and anything. I could go on......

Best wishes.

"Lauren's" first mom

Sam's mom