Birthmoms are not drug addicts or child abusers!?

Question

Wow, there are no many negative comments about birthmoms and birthdads. We're described as "unfit", "drug-addicts", "unworthy of being a parent in the future". And I won't even get into some of the rude things people say when they find out you have an older child you parent. Some people have outright said that I should have given up my four year old too! The only ones that really commend us are the adoptive parents, but I know this is for obvious reasons; because of us they have a child. Birthmother come from all walks of life. Some of us are well to do, some of us are coming out of broken marriages pregnant with an extra child we cannot be emotionally prepared for. Rarely are there birthmoms who willingly place their baby that are drug-addicts, abusive, etc. And for those adoptive parents who do things the right way, you should be commended too! It takes a lot of love a child not of your blood!

Answer 1

I agree with you, but at the same time I disagree with you.

You can not say "Birthmoms are not drug addicts or child abusers!?".  SOME birth mothers ARE drug addicts and/or child abusers, so that statement is entire inaccurate.  (That is not a question, either, BTW).

However, it is wrong for people to stereotype a birth mother as such just because she placed a child for adoption.  There are a wide variety of reasons that could compel a woman to do so, and in most cases I would commend her for doing such a wonderful thing for her child (of course, in the case of a drug addict or child abuser, the child was probably placed for adoption through the courts and that is not commendable on the mother's part).

As a future adoptive parent, I have the utmost respect for birth parents that choose to give their child life-both by not aborting him/her, and by allowing him to be adopted where he or she can have the life the birth mother feels she can not provide.  I imagine it takes a lot of sacrifice-but I can only imagine, because I have not been in that position.  

I am sorry you have had such a bad experience with your situation.  Ignore the stereotypes, and know that not everyone feels that way.  

I wish you and your older child the best!

Answer 2

I personally am a birthmother and have since had my son. I think people who responde negitivly to adoption are closed minded. What better gift to give a child than parents that want it more than anything else in the world. No one but, the person giving up the child could every imagine how hard it is to do and how unselfish it truly is.

Answer 3

I've never thought of it that way.  In fact, I think that most drug addicts keep the child in order to get more welfare.

Answer 4

I just wanted to wish you good luck.  I know you will always have the pain of the loss of placing your child for adoption, but I do wish for you some peace and healing.  Try not to let mean-spirited, ignorant people's opinions get to you.  :)

Answer 5

children are a gift from God.  It is no harder to love a child that you gave birth to than the one you adopt. Do you love your niece or nephews less because you did not give birth to them? You are right not all birth parents have drug abuse problems and a lot of people would like to think the worse of them for giving up their children. Its a selfless act I think, to think only of what the child needs and not what you want. To admit that your not ready or would be better not to raise this child at this time is tough. I have watch several birth mother's go through it and some in the end, could not give up the children only to have them taken later. I do not agree with abortion but think it should remain legal as a medical procedure for times when a pregnancy would be life threatening or otherwise harm the mother. I don't think it should be used a birth control

Answer 6

So many people make judgements without knowing the whole story.  I am a foster parent and everytime we get a new placement, people start asking questions about the parents.  The say things like "I bet they do drugs," or "did the abuse thier children alot?".  It is so frustrating because first of all, that information is confidential and sometimes we don't even know why a child was placed.  Second of all, I feel that the birth parents may have made mistakes, but that doesn't make them inherently bad people.  Sometimes the parents can do what they need to do to get their children back and sometimes they can't, but it doesn't do me or them any good to make unfair judgements about them.  

It is the same with birthmoms how give thier children up at birth.  People assume they are either very young, drug addicts, selfish, etc.  This is because people just go on what they hear and don't want to do the research to find the facts.  So you have millions of people shooting their mouths off, passing on false information.

I see that alot on YA, people bashing birth parents, adoptive parents, arguing back and forth.  It isn't right to say that birth parents are bad.  Just like it isn't right to say that adoptive parents are stealing peoples' children.  I wish this could be more of a forum for information instead of personal attacks on people.

Answer 7

i know what you mean it depends on if like  you say if they willing give the child up. Those that willingly give their child up are wonderful selfless people. They know there limits and give someone else a chance to raise a beautiful baby.  I think people are referring to people who have their child taken away. My wife and I are trying to adopt but we can't afford private so we are going through the state. In that case we have already been told that 75% of the kids are taken away because of drug use in the home or during pergancy. Any child we get will come from a broken home and the mother did not willingly give us her baby we won't even know who she is because the child was taken

Answer 8

wow. I had one girl on here have the gall to ask me why i kept the older one and gave up the girl. I was in a crappy relationship and he wasn't good at fathering and was a druggie. Not me. If I was to have a chance at life, If Derrick was to have a shot, and that little baby in my belly was to have a shot, I had to get away from him. I was 18, pregnant with my 2nd. no job, no car, no money. He gave me 10 bucks a week. Adoption was the only option at the time.

In the hospital, with all three deliveries, there wa this mean old hag of a nurse, named Jean. She gave me such a hard time when I was 17, then at 18, and again at 20. I bawlled after every visit. I screammed until another nurse came in. I hate that woman still.

My kids, all of them are geat. No drugs in their systems. I can do drugs if I want to now, its nobodys business. I'm not pregnant anymore, and I'm a fricken adult now. My body,my life. I smoke cigeretts and drink occasionally. WOW, that's it. I have no life.

Some people are just morons.

Answer 9

I have found that people only use what they know.  If they went through an adoption and the birthmom had some issues then more then likely I have found them saying that "all birthmoms are  ______"  

When in many instances that is not the case.

Answer 10

you have issues. SInce this was not an actual question more like a rant I spammed you

Answer 11

Not all birth mothers are drug addicts or child abusers, but plenty of them are - so that's why you hear what you do.

I had to find a way to explain a skull fracture and any number of other issues to my adopted-from-infancy son; and because I've been "tuned in" to the adoption issue for decades now because of him, I know the rotten circumstances that often (no, not always) lead to placing a baby for adoption.

As an adoptive and biological mother (three kids), I can tell you that loving a child who doesn't share my DNA wasn't the least bit difficult.  It was every bit as easy as loving the little strangers I was handed immediately after giving birth to them.

While the mother who is "coming out of a broken marriage, pregnant with a child she's not emotionally prepared for", even that mother isn't the kind of mother that most mothers are when they discover an unplanned pregnancy.  Most mothers would get themselves "emotionally prepared" for a baby they were carrying (that "extra child").  Most mothers don't see their children as objects that - when you get an "extra one" - you give away.  I'm not saying this stuff to put down biological mothers at all.  I understand that some girls/women are not able to be mothers to the babies they have, and I understand how awful, awful, it must be to have to give one's child away.

Still, when it comes down to it, a whole lot of birth-mothers, by virtue of their not being able to be the right kind of mother to their baby, are not the same kind of mothers as those who don't place their child for adoption or those who adopt those "extra" babies.

Being a birth-mother who gives her child away takes tremendous strength and courage.  Birth-mothers often suffer a sense of loss for the rest of their lives.  They're certainly not all evil or poor or rotten people.  Still, with the exception of the strength and courage it takes to give a baby away, birth-mothers aren't in a particularly admirable club.

People go through awful things, and birth-mothers go through an awful thing regardless of the circumstances.  Most people know that not all birth-mothers are drug addicts or abusers.  Still, even if the birth-mother is a girl from a wealthy family and places her child for adoption, rather than have to interrupt her education, there's something very "un-maternal" about that.

Birth-mothers may deserve credit for having the baby rather than aborting it and for being strong enough to do what they hope will give the child a good life.  Maybe there is, at times, an unfair stigma attached to having given one's baby away.  Still, the reality is that just about each adopted child has some ugly, or at least negative, truth about the circumstances under which he was conceived and born; and people who don't have very high opinions of birth-mothers often strongly believe that no child should have to presented with such ugly truths at some point in his life.

I, personally, don't sit in judgment of women who have gotten themselves in situations where they are faced with giving their baby away.   Its just that I think if you're looking to be commended there are many reasons why many people don't find your situation commendable (heart-breaking, yes; difficult-to-imagine, yes; but commendable, no).

You've made a really tough choice that not everyone would be willing or able to make.  Most people cannot imagine what you've had to live through or what you'll have to deal with now.  Most people would find your situation heartbreaking for one reason or another.  Best wishes, and you can't worry about who thinks what.

Answer 12

While not all are drug addicts, unfit, unworthy or anything else some are.  You have adoptions for many different circumstances.  Most common in agencies though is the teenage mom who realizes they can't give a child a life they deserve so they selflessly give up their rights to another family that can care for the child.  But you also have drug addicts, abusers and molestors, alcoholics, people with mental health issues making them unable to properly care for a child.  You are looking at adoption as just a willing thing, some parents are forced legally to give their child up for adoption by the courts and that is still adoption just not the adoption you did.  

I will say that the comments about the older child might be coming from those adopted or those with simblings adopted out.  A child that is adopted out but the siblings kept may wonder what was wrong with them that they weren't loved enough to be kept, just for example.  Or a child that had a sibling given up may wonder why they don't get a chance to be a big brother/sister.  Did they do something wrong or did their sibling do something wrong.  It confuses kids.

Answer 13

Same goes for when a woman has an abortion, why should they have to hear the same things as what you are talking about. I feel that abortion and adoption is the same thing -in the end the mom does not have her child- so why should one be different than the other?

Answer 14

people condemn what they do not understand. they want to fill themselves with feelings of self worth at the expense of others. simply pathetic.

i love my birthmother for what she did. what a selfless act, i dont care what anyone says, thats exactly what it is. please take a look at my profile and look for some of the questions i have posted about birthmothers. you may find them helpful.

overall, you made a diffcult decision for all the right reasons. no matter what they were. let no one shame you for that. i am proud of your nerve and foresight, ignore the others.

good luck.

Answer 15

I find it sad when I hear negative comments about birth moms.Many are young girls who made a mistake and had to make a tough decision of placing their child for adoption.



To go through many months of pregnancy knowing the child would not be with you after birth has got to be the bravest, most difficult decision ever so I have much admiration for birth moms.

I try to educate people that not all birth parents are unfit to parent, nor do all adopted children have issues and behavioral problems.

My daughter is equally loved by my husband and I and her birth mother. And no, my daughter is not confused by it. It blows some people's minds that my daughter and I visit her birth mom from time to time (in another state). They can't believe that I'm OK with it.

She is a lovely young lady and my relationship with her is like no other. It's hard to describe unless you have experience with it.

Thanks for your question, I think it's an important one.

Answer 16

I gave up twin for adoption. I have other children, 3 older.

many people don't understand why I did it, and yes, we were using protection(my partner had a vasectomy, and yes i know it was done, i took him for it and talked to the doc after) I had twins before, and one of them died. the second set of twins were conceived the night my daughter died. it was an emotional issue, i was not prepared to raise them knowing they were conceived the night their sister died.

people often think the wrong things of me.

I am a single parent. I am a professional women. I'm not a druggie. I'm not on welfare. I love my kids.

my children went to a couple with no other kids that had been trying for 8 yrs. I talk to them often, get emails often, and see them occasionaly. I know they are loved by all 3 of their parents, and they will know that growing up also.

Answer 17

Well, probably because people see in the news lately, all the unwed moms with five baby daddy whose boyfriend kills their kid.

Or the fact that when you can't afford a kid, you can use birth control.  It's cheaper than raising another kid.  So ya, people get negative.  

And marriages don't break overnight honey, they are broken long before divorce.  So don't kid yourself if you think thinks were wonderful and we wer having a child, blah blah blah.  The people that are negative are tired of hearing that same old baloney.

Answer 18

I do agree not all birthparents have issues, now grant it my birthmother had addictions but I know that not all birthmothers are like that. Most birthparents do what they feel is best for their birthchild.  There are many circumstances that can lead to an adoption.  It’s really not that hard to love a child that is not genetically yours. In fact its easier then most people think. Love is Love.

Answer 19

One thing that I learned about Yahoo answers and questions is that MANY people have many different opinions about adoption.  Quite honestly, I found some opinions to be quite shocking to me.  I am a future adoptive mother and I am very proud of my decision.  I am aware that many people on this site feel that I might be a "baby stealer" (which is absurd), but I don't care nor do I let it effect me and my decisions for MY life.  I believe that mothers who give their child for adoption are the most bravest and unselfish mothers in the world!  I look forward to the thumbs down I get for my answer as it will be just another example of peoples narrowed mindedness.  Lets remember that every ones situations are different and unique, one cannot judge others soley based on their OWN life experiences.

Answer 20

i was watching some talk show the other day... which made me think... (i personally have never had a problem with either adoption/abortion) young women were throwing their babies into trash cans/trunks of cars! i think thats horrible!!! then they went to jail for murder! why wouldn't they either just have an abortion or place it in a nice home? ppl who hate on others for doing the right thing are ignorant!

Answer 21

Julian's Mom--abortion and adoption are VERY different.  Abortion is having medical intervention to remove an embryo from a woman's body.  A child was never fully developed, and there was no BIRTH.

Adoption is a woman giving birth to her child, and for whatever reason(s) gives her child to other people to raise.  Usually this mother is in an unfortunate, yet temporary situation, and feels there is no other option.

The difference is that there is NO CHILD, versus a living, breathing child, being raised by non-biological relatives.

I know there are women who suffer emotionally from their loss in abortion, but I believe it is NOWHERE near the constant, never-ending pain a natural mother experiences after the loss of her own child.