Birthmoms....?

Question

Anyone can state why their child (that they adopted) was placed for adoption and many children might be told one thing, but what is truely your reassn. Help people understand what goes through your minds and what pressures you were under. Do you still think it was the best decision NOW?

Where you informed of your rights and option FULLY?

Are your childs parents still together?

How can the process be changed to better support you in your decision either way.

What could have been done by others to make you able and willing to productively raise your child?

What is your advice to other potential birth

mothers?

Answer 1

Florida Gal (obviously anti-adoption) asks such leading questions.  Here are a few more.

Do you think that YOUR life would be as good as it is today if you had chosen to raise your child?

Do you think that your child has a good life?

Do you think that people that have biological children should not be allowed to adopt?

Do you think that it is fair to second guess a decision that you made years ago, with all of the added knowledge you have now?  Is it fair to you to keep bringing these emotions up?  

We believe that the birthmother of my child is the most wonderful person that we have never met.  She has given us a gift that nobody else could, and my gift back to her is a promise to raise her child to be a good person.  I am not saying that we can do a better or worse job than she could have done.  Our child will be different than if raised by her, but that doesn't mean better or worse, just different.

Just wondering...do a lot of birthmoms come here after the adoption?

Answer 2

This is a great question florida gal, and thanks for asking! I think a lot of times women go through a lot of pain losing their child and wish they could have kept the baby, but would still say that adoption was the "best choice" because they were faced with really diffucult circumstance.

That is really sad to me, and if I was able to (and I have in the past) do anything to work toward helping women get the resources, support, confidence, etc they need then it would really ease my heart. I don't want anyone to feel that placing a child for adoption is the ONLY way to give them a good and healthy life.

I would definately not do the same thing over again, and I certainly wish I could undo that signature.

My daughters adoptive parents are now divorced.

I don't think there is ANYTHING that others can do to make a mother more "willing" to parent her child, if she doesn't love the child, doesn't want the responsability, doesn't care, etc etc.

And I think there are situations where some women really would rather focus on partying/getting through school/having fun/doing drugs, then being a good parent (although most of the time these women tend to keep the babies and just parent badly).

So I don't think you can make someone love a child if they are too cold hearted to love their child, or they value abusive patterns over loving their child, or they are so caught in abusive cycles they can't see out.

HOWEVER, when a woman is showing that she is dedicated to loving and providing for her child in every way, and is considering adoption ONLY because she wants her child to have a two parent home/ greater financial resources and less strain.... then I think it is really important to point out that if she is aware of these problems she is in a position to do something about it.

I think in general instead of hearing a woman say she is unsure of her resources, or ability to parent and then saying, "Oh why don't you just place your child!" instead offer encouragement to look at her positive skills and what she DOES have to offer her child and ways she can BUILD her positive assets. There are many things single moms can do to counter act the stresses of single parenting for their children, that involves gaining access to all financial support available, find supportive family/friends and find out what ways they would feel comfortable with helping out or being involved in the child's life...to create a sense of family and security

Join mom groups where you will have a lot of support from other single moms, or just moms in general who can offer a lot of helpful advice and emotional support.

Find emotional support if you are overwhelmed, that should be a combination of family/friends/counselor, etc. Remember that a lot of people might be there for you that you don't realize and be open to those people in your life.

Also keeo in perspective that if people offer help and also seem to come up with obligations you don't like in return, (first you don't have to accept the help) but second, their help is only temporary as are any of those requirements so if your aunt offers to help buy diapers but refuses to pay for cloth diapers, then leave some of those battles and just enjoy the help.

You'll have more and more power as you grow in your own economic stability.

Also as far as advice for new moms; go to school! You will get wonderful grants and scholarships and in some cases you can live on campus for VERY VERY cheap and live off of your financial aid/student loans. You will have a lot more possibilities in the future!

If you need employment and don't want to put your child in day care (or can't afford it) then try being a nanny. Many families are happy to have a playmate for thier little one and are happy to have someone nanny their child who knows what parenting is about first hand.

In any case, some women truly are a danger to their children. If that is the case, adoption is a solution to avoid a child being raised by people who are on drugs or who neglect/abuse their children. The thing is, there is NO gaurantee that your child will be lucky enough to make into one of the many loving adoptive families out there. Some kids fall through the cracks and end up with even crappier adoptive parents then their biological parents would have been.

So as a mom, if you LOVE your child, then try to do it yourself if there is any way you can pool your resources together!! And remember too, hormones cause a lot of wild emotions, so don't assume that that is a sign of what kind of mom you'll be (super emotional...lol)

Don't be afraid, you have more to offer your child than you think, and also, since you are aware of the things you want to give your child, you CAN make that happen for your child WITH you!!! IT may be slightly modified versions, but a lot of things might be possible that you don't realize.

To any expectant mother who knows she loves her child and will do everything in her power to give her child the world, I say, keep your child and show your child that love is more important than anything else! (To any biomoms that don't care about their children, I don't have any advice, I can't relate on any level)

Answer 3

No I was not informed of all of my rights.  I was lied to.  

The reasons I placed are for my daughter to hear from me and noone else.  Her parents do not even know the real reasons they only know what I told them.

And to people who keep calling their children "gifts" are not showing their children a thing.  My daughter is not now nor has ever been a gift to her parents.  That is just stupid and ignorant on your part.  I didn't realize that a living, breathing person was a gift to give.  If that is the case then she is one dang expensive gift and I want her returned.

Answer 4

I terminated my parental rights because I was young, ignorant and without support.  It was a desperate act, one I would not repeat.

I was not informed of options for assistance, but told I would only be a burden to society and to my child.

My child's adoptive parents are legally married.

To truly support natural mothers will require a shift in popular culture, recognizing the physical and emotional bond of mother and child, honoring the well being and needs of infants for their own mothers.

Compassion and respect would've gone a long way in ennabling me to raise my child.  I was basically shamed into a false belief that I was not good enough for her, and that a more mature and financially secure two parent family would necessarily be superior.  Turned out not to be accurate and the source of unnecessary grief for both of us.

Pregnant women should care for their infants for the first three months, just like Moses' mother did, and have a chance to know the truth of their relationship.  It is precious for the baby. They should get information on financial support for their child's care.  They should ask for emotional and physical support from the infant's extended family.  They should be informed that babies are not interchangeable like car parts, and that adoptees have special needs due to being separated from their mothers.  They should be encouraged to see their position as an opportunity rather than a burden.  They should know that giving birth to a child is a privilege that may not be repeated and they have the right to that honor.  Childhood is brief.

Moses was nursed by his own mother even after being taken into the Pharoah's keeping.  He later rose up against the Egyptians and led the Hebrews out of Egypt.  How's that for a Biblical adoption story?

Answer 5

LC - Florida Gal is an adoptive parent.

I think that she is really trying to ask legitimate questions to understand more about how some 'birth' parents feel.

To dig into the other side.

Please - so much has been stirred up here at Y-adoptions - just try to stay calm - a little. Please - I'm not trying to be a b*tch - just asking that you not take the defensive mode all the time.

Look back on Florida Gal's past Q's and answers.

She's just coming out of 'the fog' - and trying to understand other viewpoints.

That is not something that should be slammed.

The more you learn - the more it will benefit your little adoptee.

Seriously.

My adoptive mother died when I was 18, from cancer.

I miss her greatly.

Her only fault - as an adoptive parent - she wouldn't even allow me to talk about my adoption / about my family of origin. It wasn't the 'done' thing.

She even said - it upset 'her'. (yeah - too bad for the pain that I felt - I was only a young child - with all the unanswered questions that roll through every adoptees brain)

That caused me an immense amount of pain.

I'm sure if she were still alive - that we would be talking about it more to this day.

But we didn't get the chance.

Don't miss out on that chance with your adoptee. Please.

Just my honest opinion.

Answer 6

I was NOT informed of any option but adoption. When I questioned ways I might be able to raise my son, I was discouraged from even considering them.

My son's parents died in 2006.

The adoption agencies should not be allowed to contact mothers until AFTER the decision is made to surrender.

My son's father, my parents, my Church, or social agencies could have provided me with only 1 year of financial support. I should have been given the full range of options. My son was adopted by people with less education and social options than I had when he was placed with them. I went on to earn a professional degree, marry and raise three more children in an affluent home. My son should have been with me.

My advice: Don't look at your pregnancy as a tragedy. Look at it as an opportunity. Children are gifts from God TO YOU, not to strangers. Your child belongs with you. Adoption destroys families, it doesn't create them. Adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.I wish I could go back...I would never have surrendered my son. I was convinced he'd have "a better life," but he didn't. He is damaged by adoption.

Answer 7

NO; I do not thinking losing my son to adoption was the best decision. No; I wasn't informed of my rights, and options fully.

I wish; I could tell you if my son's parents were still together; I do not have that answer. As; when I asked for pictures, and updates; I was told by the attorney that was unheard of; that there was no such thing. What do you think the date was? August 1992; so; I can tell you now that I was lied to; and that worries me every day.

I feel my mother could have educated herself a lot more; and  told me to fight my son's father for child support. Yes; I was young; but with the right support sysytem it can be done.

My advice to other birthmothers is educate yourself on what you are doing. Because; people who promote you to do it; usually have a personal interest on why they want you to do it; a financial interest; my mother's case; so she didn't have to be embarrased her daughter got pregnant young.

LC; what are you talking about? How can you claim your child's birthmother is the best person you never meant? Educate me here; because the best people I know; I want to surround my children with. If you feel; this is true; why not let your child's birthmother be a part of his/her life? Am I crazy for thinking that? I keep hearing adoptive parents say the birthmother is the best person we know; ok if this is so true; why can the birthmother not be a part of her child's life?

Answer 8

I was divorced with two small children to support when I got pregnant.  I was working at Nevada Test Site and back in 1963 it was looked down upon for an unmarried woman to have a baby.  Consequently I got fired and had to live with my parents because I couldn't support my children.  I tried to find another job, even as a housekeeper but no one would hire me.  I even turned to my church and was refused help.  

My father told me that I could not bring "that b*****d" into his home, so I had to give my baby up for adoption.  I was young and very naive.  I didn't even know I could have gotten state help before the baby was born, and no one was there to tell me my options. I grieved for my child because I never wanted to give her up.



Every year just before her birthday I would go into a deep depression that would last a couple of weeks before I could pull myself out of it.  In one of those periods when she was about 15 I wrote a song for her called Child I Cannot Claim.  This blog won't let me put the full link in, so if you want to hear the song, just go to www.AdoptionRecords.com and click on the Birthmothers Song link on the side.

Her parents split up for a short time but they got back together.

If I had had support and options I would never ever have signed her away.  If I had known I could have gotten state help, I would not have signed her away.  Her a-father told me that if he had known at the time, he would have helped me keep her.  He truly loves her and they gave her a wonderful family life.  We have been reunited for 22 years now, just about half her life.  Being her friend is a good thing and I no longer mourn her.  I love her and enjoy her now.

My advice?  Ask your doctor, go to counselors, go to the state, go where ever you have to go in order to be informed of all your options and make the best decision you can for your baby and yourself.

Answer 9

I am a first mom, my nson is 31. I have 3 other sons and have been married 29 years.  

Only because I have been in reunion for soon 3 years, my answer is no, it was not the best choice.

No, I wasn't given options, my parents were middle class, and of the generation that you don't be a single parent if you can help it. 1976--- I talked myself into believing on the outside that I did a good thing.. while I hurt, like the limb that is amputated, not there but pains one. I was in my heart a mom, it just happened to early.. and a mom does the "right" thing by her child, no matter how it hurts her.

Yes, the aparents are still together.

I feel my nson should have been given info about me, that I was interested in his well being, similar to open adoption, if that was what I wanted to do..  OR in the case of option to parent, someone should have told me "I could do it" because they knew me.. (however, at 16, I don't know if I was proud of me) The pg was the wakeup call, to pull life together....Not entirely fair to my nson.  That is why I was feeling selfish to attempt to raise my nson..

To raise my child, 1- allow me to finish education.

2. tell me I will be unconditionally loved, and my child won't be named a b*****d. (not done often now)

3. support the girl,  I help mentor, and help single moms now, get back on their feet.

ADVICE:  Consider your life in a few years from now. It was my first pg, not my last..  I had a mothers heart, I always loved kids, and spent time babysitting, interested in kids. I wanted to get married and have kids.. I did it out of order, and really thought that was disgraceful..

When my nson, sat in my back yard and said, I could have lived here, among other things. Hindsight is 20/20.  It hurts too much.. for me..FOR me, I should have parented... Sorry, and it's been along time of saying Sorry..  

I also choose to not abort. Never would have. MY personal thoughts.

Answer 10

there can be no decision where coercion is involved, and i truly believe that no mother willingly "gives up" her child.  but there is a multi-billion dollar industry in N.A. for adoption (http://www.originscanada.org/infant.pdf)... and laws that protect expectant mothers from predation are constantly eroded.  look at legal trends to eliminate "grace periods" before a mother can sign papers, to eliminate or reduce "revocation periods" where she can revoke her signature, and even "pre-birth consents" being allowed in CO, WA, Kansas, etc.

most natural mothers wanted to keep their babies.  they had the right to keep their babies, but were pressured in many ways.  read the coercion checklist at http://www.originscanada.org/adoption_co...

plus no-one explained to them that they would run a very very  high risk of PTSD, severe depression, and unresolveable grief and loss -- they were lied to by the agencies.  no-one told them they would fall in love with their babies after the birth and not be able to part without huge trauma.  and still, agencies lie in the same way to mothers.

btw, the use of the derogatory term "birthmom", which means nothing more than walking uterus, incubator or breeder (as it means someone who is a mother for breeding purposes only) indicates the POV that these mothers should be used and discarded after being harvested.  so why are you interested in their welfare or their decisions if you refer to them as being so much disposable trash --  maybe you innocently were not aware that the term is derogatory.

terms such as natural mother, first mother, exiled mother, or mother of adoption loss show respect for them as mothers. unlike the b-word (b--mother), these terms were not coined by social workers to denigrate and dehumanize these mothers.

the "process" should be changed to be like australian laws (http://www.originscanada.org/comparison.... that protect mothers from coercion: proper financial support for all mothers so poverty (financial coercion) does not pressure her to surrender, plus protect her for at least six weeks after birth so she can take her baby home and care for it BEFORE adoption is even considered.   don't let agencies prey on pregnant or birthing mothers.  and NO contact between expectant or new moms and adopters, because that is coercion that affects her decision in many ways including making her feel she is inadequate next to them and pregnancy hormones can cause her to "bond" with them.

As for my own experience, NO-one informed me that I had any rights.  My baby was taken at birth when i was drugged and tied down prone to a delivery table.  I was forced to sign papers under duress.  My only crime was being 17 and unwed.   my story is here: http://www.originscanada.org/adoption_in...

Answer 11

i gave my first baby up for adoption when i was 14 years old. i gave him up because i loved him and i wanted to give him a life i couldnt give him myself. it was soley my decesion, it was the most painfull thing that i will ever do and i do not regret it.. i picked out the adoptive parents through my curches agency. they tried for 7 years to have children and could not. they are still together and they send me pictures and they also show him pics of me and tell him about me. after placing him for adoption i found out that the adoptive parents are related to me through marriage. i chose them out of thousands of people. my aunt has seen him acidently a few times. talk about meant to be.

not a day goes by i dont think of him, he is in every thought and i havent forgetten a thing about the day i gave birth. i am now 22 and i just had a beautiful baby boy 3 months ago...

advice to potential birth mother....well, you pray and you ask God what is right and if you listen He will tell you whats right

it is very bittersweet. years and years down the line you will always know that there would be a child there with you that isnt. you will always always wonder and cry and the pain will always be fresh

Answer 12

First of all, I am not an object.  The "b" word dehumanizes me and reduces me to a function - that of giving birth.  I am my child's mother.  Period.

To answer your questions:

1) No, I was not fully informed of anything.  

2) No. the adoptors are not together.  One is in a federal penitentiary.  

3)  To improve the "process":  



       a) Mandatory independent legal representation for         the  expectant woman.

       b) Thorough counseling, including in depth coverage of the potential sequelae of adoption for mother,  child and extended family.  This counseling should be objectively verifiable.   The  educational process for any woman considering such a drastic step needs to be flawless and comprehensive, not riddled with industry spin, personal power needs, profit motive,  political agendas, or the skewed beliefs of religious radicals.

    c) Social workers currently have legal immunity for their actions.  Take away legal immunity for social workers and other adoption workers so they can be held accountable for their actions in a court of law, just like every other professional in this country.

  d)  Longer revocation periods.  Criminalize the tactic of refusing to immediately return the baby if consent is revoked.

   e)  Open records in all states

    f) Federal oversight of adoption practice - take it out of the hands of the states,  standardize practice, establish a federal licensing body for adoption practice, establish a watchdog committee to protect the inalienable rights of American families to raise their own children.  Take the obscene profits out of adoption and replace them with a federal subsidy that covers fees but does not allow huge profit margins.  Monetarily profitting from adoption is immoral.

     g) Encourage  the media to tell both sides of the adoption story, not just the feel-good portions.  Adoption is almost never a win-win situation.  Someone loses, and that person is the child's mother.

4. Information about all my financial options would have gone a long way towards  solidifying  my  plans to raise my own child.   (That was before she was ripped away by an unaccountable social worker.)

5) My advice to women considering adoption is ---  DON'T DO IT!   Run away, run away!!