Birthmother and did she stop looking???

Question

My husband's birthmother was 19 when she had given him up for adoption, college-bound. She had him on the 11th and decided to keep him, then changed her mind on the 13th and gave him to his parents that he has now. She had picked them out and everything previously in her pregnancy. She wrote letters to him till he was 6 years old after his "new mother" told her to stop writing, that this was their family now. (which I thought was rude and hurtful.) Anyways, he has been looking for her recently but she is not registered on any of the adoption sites. Do you think that this means that she does not want to have contact with him, even though she wrote till he was 6? Or do you think that his mom hurt his birthmother's feelings to where she doesn't know if she should try or not? I just thought she would at least put her name somewhere so he could find her...your thoughts?

Answer 1

Bmom wrote to a child until he was 6 years old.  Did he ever get to see or ever get to respond to those letters?  Most 6 year olds are only just learning to read...which makes me wonder if that may be the reason amom chose that moment to request an end to the letters??  I'm an adoptee (and do not presume to speak for bparents) but I know I would have a hard time imposing myself when someone made it clear that I was not welcome.  

Don't presume that because she has not put her name somewhere she is not interested in her child.  Some simple math makes me think that his bmom might be around my age...I grew up without the internet and still don't know much about the technology available.  I was also very uninformed about adoptee rights, registries, etc. until very recently.  We're products of our times, and she might not know that these facilities exist.

Answer 2

My mother was basically told to forget about me, that I wouldn't want to see her ever again, that I probably wouldn't even be told I was adopted.  She was led to feel like she had no right to interfere in my life.

If your husband's mother wrote until he was six, I'm sure she cares very much about him but is afraid to cause problems in his family.  As someone said, not a lot of people know about registries; how old would she be now?  Keep in mind that the older she is, she may not be "computer savvy" either.  I wouldn't take that as a "rejection" at all.

My mother didn't have her name on any registries either; I had to initiate a search and find her myself, and she was quite surprised to hear from me.  After what the agency put her through, she never expected to see me again.

If he wants to find her, he should go for it.  I bet she's hoping for the day to come but doesn't want to interfere or cause any problems for him.  Good luck to both of you.

Answer 3

I had a very similar experience to this, my birth mother gave me up but i had uncles and aunts that visited until they were told by my foster parents that they were no longer welcome.... This hurt them deeply and the only way they could cope was to switch off there feelings completely, hence not even trying to contact me when i reached 16.. my birth mother didn't put her name down on any registers but i managed to find her only to be told by her that "she gave me up because she didn't want me, could i not take the hint!!!"

It's a hard one but i think that as she wrote until he was 6 that she did care for him and perhaps she had to switch off too??

Also i now understand,  being a parent myself, how my foster parents could ask my real family to go away as they were trying to build a new life for me there...

i hope you find some answers, good luck x x x

Answer 4

These things in life are really touching.. My mother found her birth mother after 42 years.. I know now it might seem hard but thesse things work out.. Maybe your right maybe it hurt her so much that his new mother didnt want her to have contact with him so she stoped trying. But you should keep trying to find her. You will get good results one day = ]

Hope this helpedxx

Answer 5

I think he should look for her.  It sounds like she only wanted what's best for him and is still trying to honor that.  Good luck.

Answer 6

Some people don't know much about the registries.

And just last night, I heard a first mom say that she had sent letters and had an open adoption, and then she (the first mom) closed it so that she wasn't interfering.  

None of us know what your husband's mother is thinking now.  But I do think it likely that she's fearful of trying now, because she doesn't want to intrude.  Especially given how the adoptive mother treated her.

I think he should keep looking.  Don't assume that there is rejection on the other end.  

Good luck to all of you.  I wish you well.

Answer 7

Never assume anything until you hear it from the 'horses mouth'

There are many many birthmothers who would be thrilled to be 'found' but do not feel it is there place to seek out their grown children.

She may even be deceased, although I hope not