Birthmothers, Would you want a Mother's Day Card from a child you placed for adoption?

Question

I am adopting an 8 month old boy and we have an open adoption where we visit a couple of times a month. The birth mother sees him, but mainly it is the rest of the family that wants to see him. She will see him for a few minutes and talk to him and such, but she isn't really overly excited to see him or anything. So, since Mother's Day is coming up, I was going to get her a Mother's Day Card from him.

As a birthmother, would you want a card? Or not?

Answer 1

probably not, it seems a little out of the ordinary but if you really think it would make her happy go for it

Answer 2

It really depends on the particular situation.  But I will say this:  if you start sending a card this year, you should continue to do so every year in the future.   To stop sending the card would send a message (or at least it would to me).

Answer 3

i think that a good idea.......birth mothers have so many sacrifice....first losing their dignity by giving their child away....second they are away from their child......so she needs some appreciation.....

Answer 4

My daughter is two and a half and thisis the first year we are sending something.  I wanted my daughter to be involved and she LOVES crafts, so we put some paint on her hands and made handprints on construction paper and she decorated around the handprints.  (Used post its to cover the handprints once they were dry)  I then asked her to tell me about her picture and wrote a note telling her nmom what she said her picture was.  

I plan to encourage my daughter to send somthing every year.  About a month ago, my daugther acknowledged that she had two mommies and the name of her nmom.  When we were shopping for cards for her grandmas, I asked her if she would like to make something for her nmom too.  She replied yes and that is what we did.

I asked a similar question awhile ago and was assured from lots of nmoms that this would welcome.

ETA:  Here was my question and responses.  Maybe they might help you too?

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

Answer 5

well I want to tell you is that my best friend had an open adoption and they sent her mother days card with pictures and such and it made her feel better about her giving her baby up.  They only did it for a short time but it made her feel better knowing that he was in good hands

Answer 6

i gave a child up for adoption years ago to a family member. she knows i am her mother, but i never get a mothers day card. she is 27 now and is capable of sending one if she choose to.  i think a card that say's "thinking of you this mothers day" or to "someone special" would be appreciated. it sounds like the birth mother is young now. but as she matures she might like to know that she isn't forgotten.  a child is a gift, you could never thank her enough.

Answer 7

I got a card this year.  And I really appreciate it.  However, I have an extraordinarily open adoption.  I would send a card.  And perhaps in that card ask if it is what she wants, or if she wants to be more distant.  I believe communication is the best way to resolve the issue.  Just so there aren't any hurt feelings later on because of misunderstandings.

Answer 8

Yes, I would love that.  Thank you for being so kind hearted.  I wish the parents would do that for me.

Answer 9

I have to agree that a card would be a nice gesture. Maybe a thinking of you would be more appropriate. Definately keep it up once you start it unless you are asked to stop.

As far as her seeming distant. It is hard. Maybe it's harder when families are intertwined like yours are. I think I would have had a very hard time seeing my baby with a friend of the family member. I think it might be possible that she thinks everyone is watching to see how she reacts. Maybe she is just screaming inside and will not let it show. After all she made her decision now she has to honor it no matter how hard it is for her. Be patient, it might turn out better later on.

Have you thought to ask her how she feels?

Answer 10

I wouldnt. I have an open adoption, it is not as detailed as yours, we only send pictures and letters.

I dont know how I would feel if I got one. I mean I am his "mother" but not his mother, so for me to get a mothers day card would kind of be I dont want to say rude, but it would make me feel... i dont know.

I do wish I could have kept him, but I know it was in his better interest to have a good home with people who could take care of him. I think a mothers day card would make me sad.

You could send another card, saying something like "thank you for bringing (kids name) into our lives" blah blah blah. But I wouldnt have anything that specifically said Happy Mothers Day.... I would be ok with that, and while I would sense it was "for" mothers day, it would make me feel better than being called "mother"

Does that make any sense?

On the flip side would you like to get a Mothers Day card from her? (i was thinking of sending one but thought it would be weird)

Answer 11

I had a closed adoption so that would not pertain to me, but since I am in reunion, I appreciate every card my daughter has sent me for the last 7 years.

Answer 12

On my first Mother's Day after giving my child up for adoption the adoptive parents sent me a card on Mother's Day.  It wasn't a Happy Mother's Day card, it was a thinking of you card.  In it they let me know that they will be thinking of me on Mother's Day and that I will always hold a special place in my heart for giving them the opportunity to celebrate Mother's Day.  That card meant the world to me.  I wouldn't want a Mother's Day card, but to know that they are thinking of me on that very special day.....that was amazing.

Answer 13

First of all, to the answerer that stated that birthmothers "lose their dignity" by "giving their child away," maybe you should have a better understanding of what a birthmother goes through when she places a child for adoption. Perhaps you'd prefer for a woman who, at the time she became pregnant, knew she was unable to care for the child but kept it anyway; then at some point down the line neglected the child, or worse, killed the child for whatever reason (which seems to be going on quite a bit these days)??

I placed a child for adoption 3 years ago because I was unable to care for the baby at that time. I did not "lose my dignity" by doing this; on the contrary, I am glad that the decision I made insured that my child will be happy, secure, and want for nothing. My child, who is now 3 years old, knows that I am his mother, and his adoptive parents send me Mother's Day cards every year and do other things to remind me that I am a part of their lives, and that they will be forever grateful to me for helping them attain what they could not do on their own, which is have a child. My son is loved, not only by me, but by his adoptive family, as well. I do not regret what I did, and to answer the question, yes, I think it is a great idea to send the birthmother a card, at least, if not anything else, to let her know that she is being thought of.