Birthmothers/adopted mothers?

Question

i have found over the years that most people have a very negative outlook on birthmothers, i mean the ones that planned and willingly gave up their children, not the ones that abused and lost them.

why? these women made a diffcult choice and now have to live with their decision. what difference does it make if they were terrible people, they knew their life was not stable for a child and opted to give them something better, i my eyes they should be respected for seeing their shortcomings and not forcing a child to live in a home where they would be in want all the time or in the worst case scenerio, just werent loved or wanted.

if more people were that honest with themselves i think alot of societys problems would disappear.

and not to mention, without birthmothers many families would go without ther children they desperately want but are unable to have themselves

maybe i am just nieve, but i completely respect and love my birthmother for what she gave me

Answer 1

I think it helps some people alleviate feelings of guilt...whatever their cause. Societal guilt for not helping woman keep their babies if they want to. Personal guilt for gaining from another's loss. It's much easier for many to demonize and dehumanize her and feel superior. I don't agree with you that it is "most" people though...I think most people are completely clueless and never even think about the issue at all.

I love and respect my son's first mom (I don't like the term birthmother) for the person she is, not just the sacrifice she made. She is a great friend, and an extended family member to us now.

Answer 2

I'm glad that you feel this way about your birthmother. I'm going to be a birth mother very shortly and you give me hope that my son will still love me. (see my previous question and you'll understand) I think people just need someone to judge because they are not happy with themselves. I wish I understood people.

Answer 3

Well said.  I think of my sons birth mom just about every day.  I'm sure she thinks of him just about every day.  I often wonder if he gets his sense of humor from her, his temper, his intelligence.....so many questions that I will never have answered.  But, I respect her for loving him enough to allow him to come to America and live a better life.  I hope to find her someday and hug her with the love of a mother....since I'm nearly old enough to be HER mom too.

Answer 4

I understand you. But I have 5 children, three of which were adopted. There's a plan for each and every one of us. Maybe the children were supposed to be given up because a family who needed a child...well, needed one. Who knows? If the birthparents were abusers, etc...Well, they had the children taken away. They didn't make the choice. It depends on the scenario.

Answer 5

I thank God every day for the sacrifice my son's birth family made.  They gave us the gift of love.  I can never thank them enough.

Answer 6

Well, I never thought I would finally find a very open post such as yours. Thank you for your honesty.

Now, it is my turn.

I have a special-needs daughter and her baby was taken away from her. Imagine when you have a baby inside of you and you never get the chance to be a "mom", even at least supervised, but substantial hours of weekly visits.

It has been almost a year. Her and myself would talk over the phone and cry our hearts out. I had been a good mother, a great nanny and baby sitter but yet I am not allowed to see my granddaughter. It breaks my heart, imagine how it is for my daughter. She gets frustrated and finally walked out of her recent visits. Her baby cries when she holds her. What do you expect when you can only be with your baby 30 minutes a week, she will not recognize you as her mother anymore.

My only consolation is that my granddaughter's foster mother is taking good care of my granddaughter. I hope that she has in her heart to treat my daughter like a real human being and keep her in their lives.

Some people have their own agenda and life is full of harshness and less compassion.

My daughter is very sad because she still has her baby clothes waiting for her. I was devastated, now angry that some people that we trust can play God the way they have. My daughter, went through winter on her own of taking the bus to see her baby,  is now back in an unhealthy relationship.

People are thrown into circumstances and situations through no total fault of their own. Every case is different from another.

You are pure of heart. Love your mother and stick up for your truth. You are your mother's child and always will be. There is a bond that cannot be completely intruded or taken away by anyone.

Right now, I have not spoken to my daughter. She is very upset because she just lost her baby. But I pray for her and I wait because I know that she will one day, as always, give me a call and say: Mom, I will never give up.

Take care.

Answer 7

I am a "birthmother". and i am rarely ever looked down on because of the choice i had made 2 years ago. i just want to say thank you for such a nice post, it put a smile on my face!!!

thanks again

Answer 8

my mother was given up for adoption only because her mother was too young and couldn't  give my mom the proper protection and care needed

what she did was the wise choice and now the two talk all the time and sometimes go visit each other

it all balanced out later

Answer 9

I gave you a star because i can honestly see your point. and it is a good one. I am in my fifties, met my birth mother twice in my life, wishing i didn't. she gave me nothing - my foster parents gave me heaps. i have raised myself since 15. But, not everyone is the same and you do have a very good point in your question. have a good day,

Answer 10

i totally agree.

i have a brother out there somewhere. i know i will never know him, but i thank his family (in prayer) daily for loving him.

i honestly think my mother got pregnant (raped) so that another family could have 'family love'; and so she would know what it's like to 'loose' a child. i think that she would have gone nuts without the giving up of the child because she had several miscarriages. giving her child up for adoption was the hardest thing she's ever done. ask her. she'll tell you giving one up is more difficult than raising 7 (6 living in 4 years).

you are a wise girl. wise beyond your years, i have a feeling.

Answer 11

I completely agree. You are actually more matured than you think you are. You are able to understand the real reasons behind a mother's action. Not many people can see it but you did. You deserved a star and my respect too. Good girl. May God bless you.

Answer 12

I'm right with you. My birthmother could have raised me but she was 17. I'm very happy where I am now, I have great friends and great parents and great horses and dreams of being in a rodeo someday. I am very thankfull for my birthmother for giving me the gift of life.

Answer 13

I totally agree with you!  My son's birth-mother gave my family something no one else could.  She made a very, very difficult decision in giving him to us.  Despite receiving incredible pressure to keep or abort him, she made the decision to do what she truly felt was best for her son.  We will forever be grateful to her, and have HUGE respect for her strength of character.  I think some people judge birth-mothers, simply because they believe the reason they give up their children is because they don't love them.  In our case, at least, it was quite the opposite:  she did it because she loved him so much.  I can only imagine how hard making that choice would be, and I think it's a totally selfless act.  Our son's birth-mother gave him life, and gave us one, as well.