Birthparents only....spouse question.......very serious.......?

Question

I have a complicated question.

I gave up a son in 2004, the man I was with at at the time bailed on me.

Since then, I have married and had another child, a girl, which we kept. The adoption is open, the only way I could go through with it was if it were open. Since becoming exculsive, my spouse (in 2005) has known about the adoption and it being open, including letters, pictures, emails and even visits. He seemed fine with it at the time. When I became pregnant is when his opinion seemed to change. He told me he didnt think I would love our child like the son I gave up but he still acts indifferent. I love the children the same amount, given the situation. Sometime my hubby acts like the adoption didnt happen, sometimes like I should just forget about it and focus on our child. He knew that wasnt the case. I am not trying to dwell on the past, but I just cant forget what happened either and I would like to go back to visit sometime.

I dont know how to deal with this situation

Answer 1

The hardest part of love is letting go.  Thank you for giving life.  As to your hubby, give him some time.  Focus on your spouse and child with him for awhile.  Stay in contact with your adopted child but don't push it in your hubby's face.  In time, he will come around.  I was married to my hubby for 14 years before he met my daughter and her adopted family.  I talked about it alot and he got upset, so I dropped it.  A year and a half later, we stayed overnight in the city they lived in and HE suggested we call and see if we could visit.  (My hubby could not understand me giving up a child, my 3rd, and then only getting occasional letters and pictures.)  I think your spouse may not get it.  Give him time and patience.  In a year or so, if you need to visit, ask him if he will take you or let you go by yourself.  Let him know that he and you all's child is important by staying away from your son for awhile.  Keep writing and calling or whatever, just don't visit for awhile and tell them why.  Good Luck.

Answer 2

Its you life.  I know you love your husband but if you want to visit your first born child than visit him.  Your husband will support your decisian if he cares about you.  You cant earse the past and no matter what, you have to do what you feel is the best for you and your first born son.

I hope everything works out well with you & your family...

Answer 3

You have several points to consider here:

1) the baby you gave up

2) the family who adopted your baby

3) your husband

4) yourself

1- your son, believe it or not, is now cognizant of his life.  He never knew you, and will not know how to analyze your presence if you visit him.  That is not to say he cannot learn to "adopt" you, his "real" mother.  But it could be confusing now.

2- the family who adopted your baby now has fallen in love with him, and by this time, they do consider him to be "their baby".  That only shows that they were truly the proper adoption parents, they treat him as if they gave him his birth!

The relationship the couple has with themselves and with your son could become in jeopardy by your entering their lives.  They have formed a new life with "your" baby.  With no contact from you, they are now "your son's" parents and family.  So you must be EXTREMELY careful if and how you might contact them....  they are happy now, what happens if you, the "real" mother of the baby they adopted, later comes back into the picture wanting to know their baby?  This aspect I cannot analyze or advise you on, I do not know the couple who adopted your son.

3- your husband married YOU.  Your husband and you produced your daughter.  This is your realm now, your family, your marriage, and your husband considers you and "your (plural)" relationship together as husband and wife and as a family within the terms of period from when you two first met and to the present time.  You are pre-dating your relationship to your son and you could possibly upset your relationship with your husband by going back before his relationship with you, because that was "unfinished business" in your mind but that he was not a part of that part of your shared lives together.  He sounds comfortable with your present relationship in "your nest" at present, but what about bringing in that other "unfinished business"?  His comfort relationship with you could be upset, although I am not saying it would.

4- yourself: what do you have to gain?  It is natural for any genuine mother to want to know about her natural born children's situation.  But... you had to give him up, and the couple was legitimately selected and became replacement parents to your son.  Beyond just wanting a current photo of him and to ask how he is doing, is it WISE to intrude into that other happy family who is (I hope) so kindly and lovingly taking good care of your son?  I will not say "ex-son" because he is still biologically your son, however, he is now legally and emotionally "their" son now.

It is really sad how our society makes parents and spouses make such choices.  It sounds like your son's father was entirely to blame for this entire mess, but I do not know that.  Either way, the ramafications of re-entering your son's life is not just re-entering your son's life, it involves the new parents' lives, your husband's life now, and your future relationship with your husband.

My own ignorant (of you and them) opinion is that you should just cling to your husband for emotional support (I am not saying you are weak and unable to make decisions for yourself) and try to just be grateful for someone to take care of your son.  When he is an adult, then maybe you will naturally come into contact with your son, and you two can reminisce and answer questions both of you need to have answered.   He may be emotionally ready by then to find out why he was given up and why he had the new parents he thought were his biological parents.  And again, in saying "may", I am only hypothesizing.

Personally, I sympathise with you, because I feel you are walking on egg shells here, and you alone are going to need to make the right and correct decision for yourself, your husband, your son, and your son's step-parents.  I wish you all well.

Answer 4

don't let your husband prevent you from the contact with your first child...he doesn't understand your feelings and never will...he didn't go through this..you did...my sister doesn't talk to her man about her situation because he has the attitude of get over it and move on...so she just shares with the ppl who listen and don't judge...remember he's your husband now...but your child will always be your child no matter the situation...I'm not an adoptee...but maybe one day your child will know that you do love him....and kept the contact...never let any man take that from you..husband should respect you on this...but some men don't always do what's right and don't know how to be supportive...wish you the best

Answer 5

First of all -- I did not place a baby for adoption.

But, I did marry a man with children from my first husband and while I am sure this is not the "only" issue going on it might be part of the feelings or problems you notice:

Keep in mind that your first child is the child of another man... your second child is his child... He may not have as many issues about the adoption or openess as he has issues with the fact that one of your children is his and the other child is not....

...just a thought about something that might also be playing into things...........

Answer 6

I think you should keep in contact with your son. It is better for him to know you and have you in his life then to wonder about you.

Your husband knew going into this that you have a son in an open adoption. Too bad if he changed his mind. Maybe he just needs time to adjust and maybe marriage counseling will help.

Answer 7

It sounds like your husband is being very immature.  Is he against having any more kids because he doesn't think you're capable of loving more than one?  I'm not trying to be insulting but seriously, he is the one with the problem - not you.

go see your son and maintain your relationship with your son.  you are responsible ONLY for your actions; what your husband chooses to do/react to you maintaining your relationship with your son is his problem, not yours.  You're not responsible for your husband's actions but you should continue your relationship with your relinquished son regardless of what your husband does.

Answer 8

Hi,  

Firstly, do NOT listen to "Green Party Ron's" completely insulting and discounting response.  I don't even think he totally read your question, or he'd know the adoption has been open all along.

Adoption or no adoption, you had a child before your husband came into your life, he's always known this, and up until the arrival of your common child, has had no problem with it.  

My husband had two children before we met.  I married him knowing all about them and I can't just expect that they be left in some arbitrary "past."  They are his children, for crying out loud.  He did not relinquish them, but his ex-wife moved out of state with them so he didn't get to see much of them at all for 5 years.  Two years after we married, his older son decided he wanted to move back to where we live.  I fully supported he live with us so they could have time together, as they'd missed out on those 5 years.  It was a wonderful experience.

Just because you relinquish a child doesn't mean that in the larger scope that the child isn't still yours.  Legally, you may not be the parent, but you are still the child's mother in the non-legal sense of the word -- which is very important.

It's not about "dwelling on the past."  Your child is alive and you are alive.  That makes it quite the present.  If your husband is feeling insecure and possessive about things now that you've got a child together, then he's the one at fault for stirring up a problem here.  You'll just have to stand firm that adoption may change the legalities, but it doesn't the natural truth.  He accepted all of this at the time you married, and it's wrong for him to expect you to give up what's left of your relationship with your other child because of HIS issues.

I'm also adopted.  I'm very fortunate in that my first father's wife was very supportive and helped him search for me.  Back when I was adopted, there was no such thing as open adoption, so the only thing parents and adoptees could do was hope to find each other someday if they wanted to know one another.

You've done nothing wrong.  He is the one who married you, stating an acceptance of the facts, and now is changing his tune.   I hope you can stand firm with him in discussing this issue with him, and let him know it's not right for him to enter a marriage with one set of terms and then try to change it all on you.

Answer 9

I hope that this isn't taken the wrong way.

Does your husband know your son?  Does he visit your son with you, or do you go alone?  Is he afraid that you will feel differently about your child together than you will about your son because he is afraid that your attention will be split between them, and you won't give enough attention (in his opinion) to your daughter?  

I am just wondering.

Answer 10

I'm not a birthparent, but I wanted to bring up a point that the other answers haven't mentioned yet.  Besides your son deserving to know about his history and biological family and the fact that your husband has always known and should respect the very real existence of your son in your life, there is another aspect.  Your daughter and son deserve to know of and about their half sibling.  Anyway, hopefully your husband can grow to see that your relationship with your son is not a threat to your relationship with the daughter that the two of you have.  If not, I hate to say it, but that would be a deal breaker to me.

Answer 11

He seems a bit jealous and immature, now that you have his child, maybe he thinks that should be all you need. He doesn't fully understand what it feels like to give up a child. Talk to him, tell everything you are feeling and reassure him that you can and will love everyone equally, but you must remain in your son's life for your son and for your sanity.

Answer 12

he should not be keeping you from seeing your son. And, when he married you, your son became part of his life. Maintain a relationship with your son. Don't let him drive you further away from your son as you already are.

Answer 13

Well I think you have the right to see your child.  And I don't think anything can make a mother love one child more than another.  You may end up growing closer to the new baby, only because you will be raising them.  But that will never change your love for you child you gave up.  If anything let the children meet cause they will be siblings and it'll make it more possible to proove to your hubby that you love them both equally.  Your husband is being immature in the wrong way I'd figure he'd think you'd love the OTHER one more.

Answer 14

He never understood what you were feeling. Indifference is not understanding. He convinced himself this was "phase" you were going through. And was probably relived when you got pregnant thinking that you would now cut ties with the "other" child. Now he is realizing that he has bitten off more then he can chew.

It is a rare man that can accept a child from another man....woman kid themselves all the time. For him this other child is a reminder that you once "belonged" to someone else.

The general population of men are very primitive in their thinking. They are not as evolved as woman emotionally

This is going to be a serious wedge between you and your husband. You should consider marital counseling....your husband needs to be retrained how to think. He needs to understand this child will forever be apart of your family.

Best of Luck!