Blaming the parents- always an appropriate strategy?

Question

I'm not sure if this belongs here in family or over in psychology, but here it is...

Most of the time, when a child behaves inappropriately, then the parent is considered to be at fault- or if the child grows up without appropriate values or ethics? Where do you think parental responsibility ends and personal responsibility begins?

For example- the rebellious, mouthy teenage "brat." Is that the fault of the parents, or of the teenager? Can you say, "They just weren't raised right."?

What about the "social psychopath", the person who doesn't seem to care about anyone but themselves, lies constantly, and uses people? Born or made?

I know this varies strongly from person to person, so I'd love if you could include stories of individual people and give your take on why you think they turned out the way that they did, or parents and how they parented your children. Or if you're doing cool, your own story.

Answer 1

Most of it is on the parents. They are the ones who provided the "nuture" all those years.

When those kids get to be near adulthood, they need to figure out for themselves there are consequences. If mom never told you, fire is hot, how many times are you going to touch it?

Psychopathy, according to the doctors I have read, is environmental and not genetic. It seems to be because the psychopath is going to influence the child and they will imitate and also be psychopathic.

Example? My stepkids mother is extremely irresponsible and had very little to do with them. She is a drunk and promiscuous. She went with men based on money. She got DUIs.

Now her kids are promiscuous, have lost their licenses--they still continue to drive. They know they will be revoked. They are adults now. Does mommy really need to tell you this?

Does the adult child of a crack head not know crack is bad? Of course they do. Does the adult child of a w***e not know it's bad? Yes, of course.

Answer 2

First of all I would like to say what a great question!

To answer your first question regarding parental responsibilities is not a black and white answer; I believe that a child's growth begins with all the role models surrounding a child; mom, dad, siblings, grandparents and any other extended family members surrounding the child space. Children start listening and learning at a much younger age than you think. Imagine words as a footprint on your child memory starting as a newly born infant. Now ask yourself what words or phrases do you use around this infant and the tone in which you use them as well as how often do you use them.

Now fast forward to the tween years and reflect on the footprints that this child has had up to this point (remember this child is not an adult) what expectations are now expected of this child; a parental line in the ground so to speak. The footprints are now more clear to this aspiring adult; the child has to be reminded what is expected of them daily - example: make your bed, pick up your clothes, do your home work...don't talk back...

How were these instructions given as a polite request or an ear piercing scream? When I was growing up the term "garbage in garbage out" could easily apply to an aspiring adult. It doesn't matter which adult gives good advice on how to be a respectable adult as long as the choice is put on the table for the aspiring adult to choose.

So, if an aspiring adult becomes a "mouthy teenage brat", which adult will teach the aspiring adult the rules of social good behavior. It is as easy as telling a story of your very own footprint.

As for the "social pyschopath", break it down, social - referring to one or more people, pyscho - meaning brain, and path - meaning road or walkway. If you do not give a path to walk on the other two don't exist.

Which brings us back to infant footprints.

Answer 3

Its really a mix of both. The parents have something to do with it because they are there for the kids when they are young, therefore having direct influence. But, as the kids grow older they start branching out, in a sense, and seeing how other kids behave, act, and think. They take those observations and add to themselves.

So I believe it is a mix of both sides. Although I'm tempted to say it's mostly the child's fault in the end.

Answer 4

I feel that it is the parents responsibility to teach their children values, morals and ethics at a young age so that when they hit those rebellious teenage years they have these ingrained values to fall back on when making decisions. Many parents say "I do all I can but you know how teenagers are" I think that is a crock. If you raised your child right from infancy then there is no reason that they should not be good people as teenagers. Also I think that parents need to stay involved in their child's life. Many parents who used to sit and have heart to heart chats with their gradeschooler every day, stop once the child hits puberty and gets "moody" and "distant" What these parents don't realize is that this is the age that a child needs their parents most. They need them to say "I am here whenever you need me, I will not judge you, I will listen to what you have to say with an open mind and an open heart" Too many parents think their teens are just being teens when they act out but their not they are crying out for love and attention.  

Answer 5

Regardless of the upbringing, there has to come a point where you own your actions. Everyone needs to be responsible for the choices he/she makes. Life is not fair, but blaming others doesn't help a thing.

Answer 6

Well, just look at all the Disney movies put out with teenagers and children as the protagonist.  Every single one has the very same theme:  parents are dumb, don't know any better and children/teens are smart, intuitive, and know the right thing to do.

If all of our generations grow up with this philosophy - no wonder they act the way they do.

It is nature vs. nurture.  One sibling will be the "perfect" kid and the other will be all Goth and get be the rebellious type.  You cannot put the total responsibility on the parent, but they do have some.