Blending families, in-laws and children

Question

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 1 1/2 years. We each have 2 children ages 12 & 9. Mine are both boys and he has a boy (12) and girl (9). A little over 2 years ago he lost his wife. We met on-line and have an wonderful relationship. We just bought a house together and plan on getting married within the next year. Since moving in together I have realized what a problem his mother is becoming with her lavish gift purchasing and money giving abilities! At first, she tried to control our every move. She calls at least 2 times a day up to most often 10 times a day. I asked my boyfriend to please get the phone calls under control now it is her wanting to take her grandkids on vacations, giving them anything their hearts desire, buying them clothes and cell phones if we allowed it. I am tired of seeing my boys' and myself getting hurt over her not wanting to spend time with them or spend money on them. If it was not a large amount of money, I would not have a problem, but it is constantly something and it seems sneaky. My boyfriend is used to his mother doing this because he is an only child and got everything he ever wanted even as an adult!! He is very sympathetic to my concerns but does not know how to handle the situation with his mother. He told her that she needs to quit buying for the kids and she said "what - now I can't even buy things for my grandkids" and "I know who wears the pants in your family" (more than once). I am very hurt over these comments and all I want to do is have a normal family and not have her continuously hurting my kids' feelings. I took the 3 boys shoes shopping because his daughter did not need shoes at the time. I told her when hers wear out, I would take her to get new ones. It wasn't a week later that his mother came and got her (while I was gone at work) and took her shopping for not only 1 pair of shoes but 2!!! His daughter manipulates to get her way all the time and knows grandma will buy her something if she asks. The MIL was going to buy my boyfriends son a moped for Christmas last year! That is $1500!!! I asked him what was next year a new car at age 11? My parents or my ex's parents do not spend lavishly on my kids nor do I want them to. They live in a completely different state which makes it even harder - I don't have any family here. I feel it is taking the word spoiled to a whole different meaning. Does anyone have any resources or a similar situation where they know how to address how to keep things fair between the kids? She is always butting in and tries to control our family and I need a get a grip on this before it affects my relationship. I would like to ask her to contribute with cash and we would split it between the four of them. Am I being unreasonable here? I have full custody of my children and they are gone only 4 days a month with their dad. PLEASE HELP!!!

Answer 1

You're suffering from an extreme case of a very normal problem.

The "mother in law" issue is believed to be the bride's mother, more often, the culprit is the grooms mother.

You're handling it correctly, her child should set the ground rules with you, not you.  If she continues to say hurtful things in front of you, your husband should take her aside, and ask her to leave.  (Obviously, the two of you need to talk over what you're willing to put up with, but ALL the correction and boundary setting should be done by her son).

THEY ARE NOT HER KIDS!!  Set standards that are inflexible, (people like her don't understand any other kind).

If another situation of crossing boundaries happens, (as with the shoes), tell the daughter she can pick one pair to keep, return the other, send the money back to the offending party, explain that not how things are done in your family.

Yes, this will cause a war, but the battle will be with her son, any shrapnel or fallout aimed at you will just serve as added ammunition for him, and he should and will totally protect you.

If she chooses to talk with you, (not attack you, don't put up with any of that for even a minute), be polite and honest with her.  Tell her you love her son, and want the best for him, (that's not a threat, but she may take it as such......"Well, I'm his mother, I know what's best for him" is a very typical response........how will you answer that?)  Talk to her like she's a real person...........because she is.

Don't fight with her, give her an opportunity to see who you are, and that you have her son's best interests at heart.

Sorry for the situation...

Luck

Answer 2

First of all, sounds like the MIL is feeling like she is losing her son to you/your family.  That may not have been thought of, so think about that for a second.  Second, try sitting down and talking to her YOURSELF.  Sending the son to do it will only result in the same thing you are going thru-especially if he does not completely understand the way that you feel.  Make her know that you are part of his life now and how unfair it is to the other children that she treats them all differently.  Ask her to compromise with you.  Tell her you understand that she wants to lavish them with gifts (which if you ask me this may be the way she shows her love/affection for someone-but this is in no way going to help any of these children.  Especially the ones getting spoiled) but you need het to support you and your boyfriend JOINTLY not individually.  Try to build a relationship with her!  Maybe she is not completely unreasonable and she doesnt understand where you are coming from.  I hope this helps and GOOD LUCK!!!  Oh, BTW, please dont in any way ask her to contribute $$  that you guys will distribute evenly!!  Well, ask her that if you want her to stop coming around!  ;)