Bmom needing perspective of adoptees and adoptive parents?

Question

I just read another quesion that has a LITTLE to do with what I'm asking, but very little. My son's adoption was simi-open, meaning we could send pictures (them, not me on the pictures) and letters through the agency and anything identifying would be blacked out. For the first several years, I sent letters for the parents and cards for my son every Christmas and his birthday. In the letters, the adoptive mother was the first one to call him "our son" which she said included me. The end of my sending letters was when the agency sent one back after calling her because it had "to my son on his birthday" and the adoptive mother said it would confuse him. it ripped my heart out and I cried for three days. I decided that I needed to separate myself from the situation to get my life together without the main focus being on my son. Now, I'd like to send another letter after all this time (aprox. 9 years). Is it too long? How do you think it'd be recieved?

Answer 1

Dear Pandora,

I'm very sorry for what you experienced regarding the way the agency treated you.  That is extremely hurtful to have his birthday card returned!  I have two main thoughts concerning that:

1)  You and the adoptive parents may define for yourselves what kind of relationship you would like to have with each other.  That is subject to change over the years depending on what YOU TWO parties want, the same as it is for all other adults in a free society.  Nothing is set in stone.  It is not illegal to change it to open if that's what you both want, and if that would benefit your son.  You should not need the agency's or the government's permission to do so.  It is their job to help the parties involved, not hinder them.  Which brings me to my 2nd point.

2)  Adoption agencies have historically self-appointed themselves to be controllers of all adoption transactions long after the adoption has been finalized, and it continues today whenever they get the opportunity.  Who died & made them God?  It is not their place to black out any information, to return correspondence, to pass judgement on what the other parties may have access to, or to interpret what it will mean to them.  Remember, it is in their interest to keep the various parties apart.  They are the middleman, and they are fighting hard to remain a vital part of the adoption process.  In reality, their role is diminishing because they are inadequately serving the real needs of the triad members.  Many families, including my own, have also been victimized by them.  It's amazing when the parties reunite after the adoptee is an adult, all the misinformation, if not downright fraud, that is uncovered.

I suggest you do send another letter.  Send lots.  I would send them by certified mail.  Keep copies of what you send for your own records.  It is never too late!  I would have cherished all letters & photos from my own family had I had the opportunity.  If the adoptive mother refers to your son as "our son" then I do believe any correspondence from you will be received well if it gets through.  I fear if the agency is as bad as they sound, it might take years for the families to connect on their own.  I wish you the best of luck, Pandora.  Do sign up for registries and http://www.isrr.net as soon as legally possible.  That's my perspective.  Thanks for asking.  Hugs,

julie j

reunited adoptee

EDIT to add:  If both parties want more contact and the agency is preventing it in order to promote their own agenda, that is just plain WRONG.  That needs to be changed!  I am so sorry for all families who are trapped in that situation.

Answer 2

Please send 2 letters.  One to the adoptive mom and one to your birth son.  Explain your absence to the adoptive mom and your wishes for your birth son, what has been happening in your life and your acceptance of them as his parents. (They had insecurities and fears too.)   I really think that learning roles and boundaries is so incredibly hard for the adults.  Kids get it much easier.  His real mom and dad are the parents raising him, however you are his birth mom and it is very important for him to know you love him and accept him and that you planned his family for him out of that love.  He needs to hear that you did not reject him, but rather loved him so much that you unselfishly placed him with his parents.

Hang in there!  Wish them well and through being happy for them you will be happy for your decisions.  Don't let grief keep you away again. (((Hugs)))  By the way I am both an adoptee and an adoptive parent.  I also worked extensively with birth parents and saw first hand the unselfish love that they have for their birth children.

Answer 3

I don't know about the adoptive mom in this case, and I can't be sure about your son, but send the letter.  More than likely, he wants it.  I know it would have meant the world to me.

Good luck.

ETA:  Don't let anyone but your son define your role in his life.  I have three "real" parents, including my first mom, and I get fairly annoyed when someone tries to tell which of those women is my "real mom."  I've got two, thanks, and they're both pretty real.

Answer 4

It's not too long to go & send a letter now!  Be careful in the beginning how you word things so that the adoptive parents don't send it back, but share your heart with the child.  I'm betting that he'll be glad to hear from you after a long absence.  He's probably concerned about you and your well being.  One thing I've learned is adoptive kids generally worry about their birth parents - how they're doing, what they're doing, if they're alive still, if they're emotionally and physically doing well...all that.

I'd probably send a letter to the adoptive parents as well letting them know that you're not trying to usurp their place in his life, that you're glad that the child you gave birth to has them to provide him with the necessities of life including the love and nurturing that he needs.  You would like to maintain contact and have no desire to do anything that wouldn't be in his best interest.

I hope it all goes really well for you and you're able to contact and maintain contact with him and with the adoptive parents.

Answer 5

Hi Pandora,

I believe you should send the letter.  I believe its never too late.  I know my children would treasure anything from their First Mothers.  You are just as important to your child as his adoptive parents, in my eyes.  I'll be thinking of you:)

Answer 6

There is no time like the present. I would go for it. At 16 he probably will have lots of questions and intrest in you.

Answer 7

Dear Pandora,

I am in a VERY similar situation and am feeling the same way you are.  I will never understand APs who say - This is "our" child and then get upset over "bounderies" or my favorite "birthparent inferferece". I live on the OTHER SIDE OF THE COUNTRY from the APs in my situation and they were still "threatened", partially because "our" son decided to put the word "Mama" in front of my first Name. (D. thought I should be an "Aunt".)

I am amazed the APs tell First Parents all the stuff about "our" children and how wonderful "their birthparents are" and then have the audacity to be so cruel. There should be recourse for this kind of behavior from APs. IMO, if you cannot accept that your child has two sets of parents, you shouldn't involve yourself in adoption - ESPECIALLY "open" adoption.

Sending a few pictures a year DOES NOT constiutute a healthy "open" adoption. As a matter of fact, it can be traumatic to have pictures appear randomly, with no warning, in your mailbox with no way to communicate in return. talk about triggering on a bad day!!

I think you should start sending things again. KEEP COPIES of everything! If they are not recieved or are returned to you, add them to your "file" (I have a box filled and another begun) in case your son later seeks you out and has questions. You will be able to hand him your "file" and he can see everything for himself.

I would also suggest that you send your letter certified and ask for a reciept of delivery.

I am so sorry that you have been treated this way. You deserve better and both you and your son deserve to know each other. Please accept my best wishes for a happy ending. Be strong, I know how hard it is to swallow what little pride they have left you with and reach out. It is never too late to try. You will be in my thoughts...

Answer 8

I am so sorry to hear you had to go through this.  REality is, you ARE your son's mother; just as his adoptive mom is.  You have every much a right to send a card addressing him as your son as she does and it is NEVER too late.

This is your son...I would try...because there might be some point in the future when he might find you and ask why you didn't.  If you did he will find that out too and will have that much more respect for you in the future.

Good luck...my thoughts and prayers are with you!

Answer 9

As an adoptive parent, I would welcome the letter. It is never to late to start the communication.  Plus your son will want all the letters he can get the older he is. At least it shows you are thinking about him and you still care.  Start sending the letters again, you never know if he will want to meet you some day.

Good luck!

Answer 10

Its NEVER too late. My kids mom is back in touch after over 5 years. Don't waste ANY more time. Get those letters right out. Whats past is past. Too many people go on not saying what needs to be said and they will never know. Bless you!

Answer 11

it's never too late to make the effort.

I'm sure the gesture would be appreciated.

Answer 12

Go for it.How old is your son now?Practice what you want to say.tell him that you've never stopped thinking of him.Tell him that you hope he is well and having a great life because he deserves  it.Good luck.

Answer 13

Send your letters, maybe even a scrapbook of what your life is like, the emotions you had giving him up.  It sounds like the AP's haven't or didn't tell him he was adopted.  My son will always have 2 moms, his first, and me.  I'm the lucky one, because when he wakes up cooing in his crib, it's me he coos at, and I would never not let him see something his birthmom sent him (unless I thought it might scare him, like a threat).  Some kids don't get to reunite until they are in their 20's, 30's 40's and even beyond.  My fiance was just re-united with his older brother who was placed, brother=48, fiance=44 years old.  

Keep a copy of every letter you send, and even those that get sent back.  This way, you can show him later, when you are re-united, that you've tried.  Also, I'd send a letter strictly to his mother, explaining that you'd like an opportunity to meet him, your complete address and telephone number or maybe, if you wish to remain more anonymous, an e-mail address for contact.  You might even create a myspace page, where you can update pictures, put messages on, and so forth, that he can view.  He might even contact you through that.  I believe that the more people who love a child, the better, but I can also see from an AP's point of view, that maybe the picture that was returned should have had to "child's name" from your first mom, who still loves you.  Good luck, and for these reasons, I encourage first moms who are placing their children to have an open adoption, where they can get hold of records to find names, addresses, even if emotionally, they believe at the time that closed or semi open is best.  Try to send it though, because you'll never know unless you do.

Answer 14

It's definetly not too late. I'm sure the adoptive parents feel bad about what happened. (I know I would) If you're concerned about how it will be recieved, perhaps you could also send a letter the the adoptive parents explaining the situation and letting them know that you still want to stay in contact.

Answer 15

send the letter. it is really hard to be the adoptee on the other end i can tell you. I had a situation where all the letters my Bmom or I wrote were read by my birth grandfather and "filtered" before they were sent on (or not). I found this really insulting. It's hard when others are controlling your life. You keep fighting to keep in contact with him and if he doesnt want to he will say.

What's with the thumbs down, how can you thumbs down that? i said exactly as the person above and added my own experience. How you can thumbs down my experience? God.

P.S thanks to the person who compensated :P