Bonding with adopted one year old child?

Question

Our daughter and son-in-law have adopted a little boy from

Russia and are very concerned about him bonding with them. They have been advised not to let anyone else hold him for several months. That's pretty hard for a grandma to accept, but I've agreed to go along with whatever they say. What is your experience with adopting and bonding?

Answer 1

It is very common advice for institutionalized children and older babies. Attachment is a tricky thing and vital to the child's and family's future happiness.

Please take a look at http://www.a4everfamily.org lots of great info and resources on attachment in adoption especially of non-newborns and children from orphanages :)

Congrats!

Answer 2

We've adopted both of our children internationally, we just brought our youngest home 2 months ago. Although it might seem strange at first, this is a very common recommendation by adoption professionals. We were advised not to have anyone visit for the first week (although they could come to the airport), and to not let anyone feed, hold, or take care of the baby for at least the first 6 weeks. We waited several months the first time, and no one else has held our son yet since he's been home.

The bonding that needs to take place is SO important. Children who have been in an institution are at risk of serious attachment issues, and everything they can do to foster a healthy adjustment will be well worth it.

I know it's hard, my mother reluctantly agreed to the "no holding rule" too, but once she saw how well the attachment went she knew it had been for the best. When dealing with these often fragile children it's always better to error on the safe side.

As another person posted, definetly visit http://a4everfamily.org

the site will explain attachment much better then I can

Good luck and congratulations to your family!

Answer 3

This is very hard to accept I am sure but it really is necessary to give the little guy the time he needs to connect with his new mom and dad and not be distracted by other people.  He has spent the first year of his life surrounded by a sea of faces coming and going.  I know it is hard not be able to express your feeling that way for him but it is the right thing for him.

I have two adopted children, Elizabeth was 3 when I adopted her and had been abused, and Samuel was 10 months old when I adopted him.  I am also single and there are no grandparents alive.  My challenge was finding a church where I was allowed to keep my little ones with me during the service.  It was not in their best interest to go to a nursery.  Elizabeth is only just now at almost 5 years old able to be around men without shrinking into a ball to hide herself.  Adoptive children did not have the kind of rosy life we expect of children here in the states. {both my kids are foreign adoptions}.

Just focus on supporting your daughter and son-in-law by pitching in where you can and taking of the load in other areas of there life so they can have more time to spend with him.  One thing that is wonderful to me is the lady who lives in the apartment under me is semi-retired and has been doing my laundry for me now for over a year so I can give my kids the love they need.  She will end up being grandma to them by default I am sure.

I applaud your daughter and son-in-law for reaching out like this.

- Inez

Answer 4

A one year old child from Russia, I have heard they don't get to be held or cuddled or anything..

I would think the child would flourish by just being loved and hugged and kissed and made to feel secure..

I don't see any reason that Grandma could not do some hugging too..

Answer 5

Children who are not adopted at birth, and especially those that have been raised in an institution, may have a more difficult time bonding.  They need to learn that their new parents are there for them and are their providers.

For this reason, adoptive parents (I am a future China adoptive mom) should be the only ones to hold, feed, or comfort a new child.  It is difficult for family members, but it is really quite important.  You are doing your new grandson a favor by cooperating with his parents request.

I have no personal experience (yet), but I do know that this practice is common in the world of international adoption.

Congratulations!

Answer 6

I read an article on when first getting an international child on for the first few weeks to only let the new Mom and Dad hold, bathe, feed, diaper the child. Like others said, some of these kids laid in an orphange or had so many caregivers and never formed a bond with anyone. So can have detachment issues. It's best to let them bond with new parents and to get to know that they are the ones to trust.  I know it must be hard on grandparents, but the few weeks or months will go quickly and you will have years and years to hug and cuddle this child.

Answer 7

A couple I know also had a difficult time with a child they have whom they adopted at about that age...They had to re-teach many things. Like baths, and eating and getting changed...Also, in Russia (not in EVERY orphanage, but some) the kids that little are not held, so when they get back, they want to be held by everyone and have no fear of it either. I think that while it will be hard, you might just have to stick it out. Maybe you could be allowed a little leeway being their children's grandmother...Wish ya'll much luck!

Answer 8

This advice is correct, we had to do the same thing for both of our daughters.  One was 15 months at adoption, the other was 12 months, both had been in institutional settings and had only formed loose bonds with their nannies.  

Attachment issues are very serious, and require a lot of work from the new family.  The best you can do is be supportive and understanding.  If you want to learn more about attachment issues, I have a link to a site that explains about it.

Answer 9

Contrary to popular belief, attachment and bonding are not automatic in young children.  Rather, they are the result of a trusting relationship that develops as the parents lovingly and consistently care for their child’s needs.  The reality of an institutional setting is that it is not usually possible to give that one on one attention that a child needs to thrive and to develop healthy relationships.

Your grandson will already have been through many changes in his short life.  He will probably have had many different carers and have not had a special or permanent relationship with anyone.    Before he can build healthy relationships with others (including grandparents) it is crucial that he first establishes one with his parents.  Although this is very difficult for you it is vital for your grandson and his parents.

I'm sure this is not a decision your daughter and son-in-law  have made lightly but one that has been reached careful reading and research.  It is advice advocated by doctors, adoption specialists and experienced adoptive parents.  This is not so much something they want to do but something that they know they must do for your grandson's emotional wellbeing.    

We adopted our daughter from China at 9 months old.  When we first got her she did not know how to give or recieve affection and for more than 6 months I dispaired that she would ever learn.  We followed the same principles your daughter and son-in-law are suggesting and yes, it was difficult for us and for our parents but we now have a sweet, affectionate, happy and cuddly 2 year old who has a wonderful relationship with all her grandparents.

I realise that you are getting many conflicting answers about this but I would urge you to take special notice of the ones that are coming from a position of experience.  I would also encourage you to give your daughter and son-in-law your full support on this issue.  I'm sure you will soon have your grandson curling up on to your lap for a cuddle and a kiss with grandma and grandpa.

Answer 10

i was adopted at aout 13 months from chile to an australian family. My parents were living with my mothers mother...(my grandma). I apparantly bonded really well with them. I think its a personal thing and that your daughter and son in law will be able to tell if the child is getting stressed by being passed around, otherwise i think that you should be fine to hold your new grandchild

Answer 11

i never heard of anyone with an adopted child being advised to be the only ones to hold the child for any length of time. that sounds really off to me. of course the parents want to be sure the child knows them well and knows that they are the primary caretakers but, the child will learn that very easily just as all children do. i think you should talk to the parents and explore why and from where they heard this and be sure it's really how they want to handle the situation. it seems to me that after a few months of no one else holding this baby, he will certainly not be willing to suddenly start be held by everyone else who has been dying to hold him up until then -- like his grandparents!! the child needs to know that there are lots of peole in the world who want to love him and be bonded with him too. It is not an exclusive thing for just the parents. the child needs to know and feel accepted by everyone. it really sounds way off to me. the child will most likely have no trouble bonding with his parents, the issue usually is more of the reverse when a one yr old is new to a family -- i.e., how easily will the parents bond with the child. if the child has been well taken care of and treated well, he will bond with his new family just fine and doesn't need to be held by only them for any length of time.

Answer 12

I think that is compleatly nuts not to let anyone else hold him. You are grandma and you are going to want to be involved. It will be important for you to bond with your grandchild just as much for them to bond with their child.

Answer 13

that is weird for them to recommend that. i think the more love a child gets is going to make them open up. they are still the ones that are taking care of him day after day he will understand who mom and dad are without depriving him of affection from other ppl. it seems to me that would teach him that the only ppl who are loving and kind are mom and dad and that other ppl cant be trusted. i don't have any experience with adoption however we were caring for a little girl who was not our own a few months back(her mother needed some time to get on her feet) she is 2 days older than our son and was about 20 months at the time. she grew very attached to us almost immediately. we most definitely let other ppl show her affection and at least once a week she would go spend the day with my sister. she is back with her mother although i cant say she has managed to keep it together but she will soon be cared for by her grandmother. i think they might want to get another opinion on this one.

Answer 14

This is unfortunately more and more common with Russian, Ukraine, etc. adoptions.  Some agencies there are not full disclosure, meaning they do not always disclose everything that is known about the baby's early life, health.  And in other cases, the adoptive parents may be naive, or ignore the reality -- these babies in this region are often exposed to so much alcohol before being born, and are then housed often in emotionally cold atmospheres and overcrowded desolate orphanages.

So what happens when these little children get over here?  They are diagnosed with fetal alcohol syndrome or exposure, reactive attachment disorder, etc.

For your daughter and son in law, they need to have their son evaluated by an expert in attachment and bonding!  This is a pervasive disorder which is extremely tricky to treat.  Does it sound normal to have no one else hold a child?  Of course not.  But this is an attempt to force bonding where it is not likely to occur naturally.

Adoptive parents, do your homework before going off to a third world country to adopt!  You have to consider why there are so many children placed for adoption, and be fully prepared to handle long term health issues and emotional problems because you do not have medical histories like here in the U.S.

And, maybe consider adopting an older child here in the U.S. from our 500,000 children in the U.S. foster care system.

Answer 15

I have heard that those kids sometimes have some type of antisocial behavior because they have been laying in a nursery and haven't been held.  I would get a second opinion on the not holding the child concept.