Borderline personality disorder, is this the push and pull...?

Question

Experts describe people with BPD as those who have wonderful connections with people and tend to push them away and pull them in, repeating the process.

I have someone in my life who I feel like I could marry due to the fact that we belly laugh together and have a great time (when we see each other), are incredibly attracted to each other, have similar interests and religious beliefs, etc.

He has contradicted himself time and time again: he wants me, doesn't want me, won't ask me up front to hang out, is rude, ignores me, then invited me over to cuddle me and call my "baby" and repeats again.

He is so charming and charismatic when he's out and about and feeling confident but I also see him at home when he's down and out, too so I know it's not about me. (BPD?)

However lots of people say that people with BPD had a troubled childhood. I don't see this being the case. All I see is someone who is afraid of exposing feelings for someone else in fear of being rejected because he was rejected by someone he loved years ago and has not let anyone else in. He goes as far as to reject me even when he is aware of my affections for him. I know darn well that he loves me. You can't hide love. My naivity is not the issue here. He shows me great love when i'm with him (keyword: when) but then almost is mad at me and ignored me afterwords like I did something to upset him when all I did was have a great time with him.

Any thoughts? Is it possible for someone to have BPD "phase" because he is unsure of his life's direction?

Sorry if this appears wordy...

Answer 1

I don't know whether its borderline personality disorder or not, but I do believe very strongly that he is not healthy and that your relationship is not healthy. You may secretly believe that you have the cure to what ails him, that if you love him enough, everything will be all right. He needs help before he can offer healthy love. For now, he offers conditional, unsteady, inconsistent love that won't get better any time soon.

Don't worry about his diagnosis. Figure out if you can leave with the worst parts of him or not. Expect that he is on his best behavior now and that it will get worse once you guys increase your commitment.  

Answer 2

Borderline Personality Disorder is not something that comes and goes, like a cold.  A personality disorder is a core disability, like being born with poor eyesight.   A couple of hallmarks of BPD are switching back and forth from seeing a loved one as either "all good" or "all bad,"  being easily angered and hurt, changing the "rules" so that friends or loved ones never know exactly where they stand in the relationship, and things like that.  You feel like you have to "walk on eggshells" around someone with BPD so as not to upset them.

You can't change or fix someone with a personality disorder, and those with BPD can become violent.  Your boyfriend may or may not have it,  but the way he treats you does not sound very appealing to me, not a trait I would look for in a husband.  I would be very cautious about deciding to marry someone who is that emotionally unstable.

You might want to join an Internet support group (like the one I listed below) for those who know or are related to people with BPD and see if the situations they describe sound like your boyfriend, or not.

Answer 3

I think you should just talk to him about it. i may just be his personality and problems hes facing. Let him no your concerns (leave out the BPD). And tell him you want to be there for him but your not into playing games. If hes not ready for a relationship you may just have to wait for him.