Bossy Groom - does he have a right to interfere with the Hens Night?

Question

Hi. I am going to be maid of honor for my friend in november. I have been left in charge of organising her hens night (bridal shower).

The bride has told me that her future husband is angry with some of the arrangements for the hen party. It will be at their house, with full catering and drinks, plus entertainment, games and prizes to be won for the best fancy dress costume.

Whats wrong, you may ask?

Well. I have made up the invitations for the party and written on them that I would like the guests to contribute $50 (Australian dollars) to the cost of their food, drinks, the gift hamper for the bride, the male stripper and the games prizes.

The groom apparently thinks the guests shouldnt have to pay... but why should I be stuck paying for 20 people to eat and drink and have a good time???

Does he have a right to interfere with the Hens night party, and what can I say to him to tell him that its not his place to tell me how the party should be.

Answer 1

I'm sorry but i don't see a problem in asking people to contribute to the Hen's Party.

Every Hen's/Bachelorette Party i've been to has involved a cost. Guests are expected to pay for their own meal and drinks and contribute toward covering the Bride's expenses. Presents are generally optional.

I think it's very unfair of the FH, and bridesmaids to be so critical of you. If i was the bride, i would be devastated to know my party is causing all these problems.

Maybe you should just try and cancel everything you can and tell the bridesmaids to organise it.

Answer 2

If I were invited to a hens night and was expected to pay $50, I wouldn't go. I would pay $20 max. I think you need to cut down on some of your expenses. Uses prizes that are less expensive, just have finger food rather than full catering. And since it's at a house you could make it BYO drinks. Also, the bride doesn't need a hamper. $50 each is too excessive.

I think some people are confusing a bridal shower with a hen's night.

Answer 3

Well, the fact that it is a, as you call it, hen party, means that he should have no say in the matter. 50 dollars is a bit much, at least in American dollars. But if you're doing the organization, then it's really all up to you. That's my opinion.

Answer 4

$50-$60 is the standard price for the guest to pay to go on the hens night (and for a guy to go to the bucks night).

Hens night doesn't translate to American bridal shower..it translates to bachelorette party to those who are confused.

Answer 5

the grooms family and friends are going right so it all reflects on him and his future wife. you cant make other people pay for something people feel obligated to go to. the other bridesmaids may have suggested stuff but you could have said no and chose less expensive things its ur own fault i say u just tone it down a little bit

Answer 6

I think you are trying very hard to be a good Maid Of Honor, HOWEVER in my opinion you didn't put a lot of thought into the financial issue you are putting yourself and others into.

It is not fair for YOU (the host of the party) to ask for money. Typically people come to a party expecting everything is handled, they bring the gifts and there personalities and that is all.

You should have consulted with the other bridesmaids FIRST to see if they were willing to pitch in. If not then you shouldn't have gone all out like you did.

Nothing would have been wrong with a "pot luck" type of meal where everyone's brings a little something to snack on. That way the price would be very low and yet still fun.

I say the groom as a right to feel this way, I think it looks tacky asking your guests to pay.

It is not fair that the other bridesmaids are not offering to help you and assume you can handle the bill, but this is really something that you should have talked to them about and dealt with BEFORE the planning and reservations ect.

Answer 7

If I were you I would move the party to a different place, get rid of things that you can cancel at this late date.....skip the gift hamper (oh well, it's the bride's choice of maids and her MIL, let them hash it out),or make sure it is a personal gift just from you (after all you were the only one who paid for it) tell folks to bring their own booze, that you will only supply non-alcoholic beverages, dump the stripper if you can, and down size the menu....then inform all the slackers AND the FH..since they cannot contribute anything but 'suggestions',(and the FH insists you foot the bill) and the entire cost is unfairly on your shoulders, they are gonna get what you can afford....if they complain tell them them shut up or put up.....

....and if they still refuse to help then, when faced with a less than stellar evening, , then oh well...when the bride complains tell her since her bridal party, her MIL, and her FH have decided you are to shoulder the entire evening...you could do only what you had the money for....and since they all refused to chip in, she should be directing her complaints to them....

......and let FH deal with his P'O'ed bride for interfering ...and her maids & MIL for being such skinflints....50. bucks only ??????? jeeze, what a pathetic group....

and note to all us American gals....a hen night is not a bridal shower but moreso a batchelorette party.....so, does a MOH these days pay for everyone at a batchelorette party? it used to be they all paid their way and chipped in for the bride's entertainment and drinks.....which is why the FH should keep his nose outta it!

Answer 8

I think it's totally reasonable to ask for some help from the other guests and from the other hens nights i've been to (in australia) this has been the case.

It's usually advertised as pay for your own way plus a little extra so that the bride to be can have the night for free.

Maybe if you explain it (again) to the anti help guests that they are paying for their own food then giving that little bit extra to make sure that the bride eats for free and has a fun and entertaining night.

You might find that they say "well tell us how much our food and drinks will cost and we will decide on how much to donate" so try explaining the cost (again) like this:

Explain that as the event will be at the home of the bride to be the catering is ordered in at x amount for x amount of people including food and drink including delivery/serving person/ crockery/ washup etc. This divides up to be x per head including the bride to be.

Game prizes for the night added up to x amount which will help to make the Brides night more memorable.  This divides up to x per head (including the bride to be) so that there are enough prizes for every person to be able to take something home.

Then say that instead of asking individuals to choose and bring their own gifts a consensus was made between the guests was that you would buy a gift hamper for the bride so that she had something special to remember the day.  The hamper cost x amount which divides to x per guest including the bride to be.  Guests would not be expected to bring any other gift for the bride.

Explaining these three things this way says that the costs are actually for the person themselves, that they are paying their own way. So if they pay for their own food, drink, prize ticket in effect (maybe sell it as a raffle ticket for a game prize during the night and say that there can only be one prize per person in attendance) and portion of the group gift you will get something which is always better than nothing.  You needing to fork out $10 per head is better than $50, still not perfect but better.

Then you can explain that the bride would be up for that amount too and so that she doesn't have to pay for anything you thought it would be fair that her cost would be split between all the remaining guests which would add another x to their own individual cost.  This would be so small that they would be considering just adding that to thier total.

Then explain that there was another entertainment booked that might not be to everyones taste (stripper) that the bride would enjoy that adds another x amount to the event total and that any donation they would be happy to give for that entertainment would be appreciated.

By explaining it longhand like that you are likely to atleast get something from your unhelpful guests.  

As for the groom, explain it the same way.  Tell him that you are only asking the guests to pay their own way.  I'm sure that he would object if he was told he had to take 20 people (some of which would not be HIS friends or family) to dinner and a strip show and that he would have to foot the bill with no chance of getting any of it back or having the gesture reciprocated as some of whom he would never see again socially.

Good luck getting whatever you can from these people.

Answer 9

First of all, you are the maid of honor, and it's your responsibility to give the bride a bridal shower.  

First mistake was to make it at her house if the groom is living there.

Second, it's up to you to pay for it, and if the other bridesmaids want to help you, it's up to them.  You didn't need to make it so expensive.  A CD for music, some finger foods would have been fine.  No male stripper is necessary.  You want to shower the bride with gifts, not party with a male stripper.  That is the true meaning of a bridal shower... to shower the bride with gifts from her girl friends and family, sisters, cousins.

And the groom is absolutely right, no quest should have to pay... they're already bringing a gift for the bride.  Your job is to write down what each guest brought so the bride can do her thank-you notes right away.  And have games.  And make the bridal bouquet from a paper plate with all the ribbons she gets off the gifts.  And have punch and a cake.

Answer 10

Sorry but I have to agree with the Groom on this one. One of my bridesmaids has already started getting prices for things that she wants to do for my hen's night. But I'm not too thrilled with it because for 1, she's trying to dictate my entire wedding (my colours, my dress, her dress, seating - everything - which is really getting on my nerves). But, her idea of a great hen's party is to have a big day and night out at the Gold Coast doing heaps of activities (like the bungy chair etc.). Well for starters, that's not my kind of thing, and secondly, if people want to come, they are going to have to fork out quite a bit of money to participate. Also, a hen's night I went to earlier this year cost me $70 for a dinner & show, and more for drinks. Not many people went to that, and I can understand why.

Basically, as much as you want to make it a great night, people don't like to HAVE to fork out heaps of money for something that they feel obligated to go to. Cos to be honest, if that bridesmaid ends up planning that - I won't be going to my own hen's day/night! (besides, she isn't even my maid of honour and I'm seriously wondering if I can revoke her).

Good luck with it all, but if I had to pay $50 to attend, I would have to seriously consider if I could afford it. Unfortunately when you accept being the Maid of Honour, you accept that responsibility. Maybe ask everyone for $20 instead and wear the rest of the cost yourself? Or change the plans to be less expensive? Have you checked with the Bride that she likes what you've planned?

Answer 11

Oh no you didn't.... asking people to pay to attend a party is beyond tacky.  IF you could not afford to throw this party you should have done something in your budget range.  I do not blame the groom for being upset.  This is awful and you owe them and every guest an apology.   The groom is right the guests should not have to pay  what you did was wrong wrong wrong.  He should interfere when the person in charge seems to have no sense of propriety  Shame on you.

Answer 12

Hate to tell you this, but he's right(a man being right, isn't that a sign of the Apocalypse?). The only ones traditionally expected to contribute to costs are the attendants(including you!), and the bride's family in some cases.

Answer 13

Sounds like the problem with everbody is the money.  

The Groom doesn't feel you should ask for help from others when it was you who planned the Brides big night.  If you had no help in planning, then it is not right to ask for help in paying.  If others contributed to suggesting food, entertainment, gifts, drinks then they should also contribute to the cost.  If they did not contribute to the planning, they cannot very well be asked to contribute.  You may, however, ask that should someone want to help with the costs, they may.  Be sure to keep your receipts if they want to know how much it is all running you.  If they truly are friends of the Bride, they will want to help out.  When buying gifts for a basket for a Bride you must first have willing contributors.  Both financially and for helping make the decision on what to get her.  It is rude to buy something without asking others if they WANT to contribute and then ask them to contribute.  



You must also remember that the night is about the bride and I am sure she is not happy that you and her future husband bicker and people are becoming unhappy over the plans.  This could very well put a strain on her wedding and your friendship. I wish you the best!

Answer 14

You are right, tell him to butt out.

In Australia it is quite common for all guests to contribute towards the cost of hen's parties & by telling them upfront you have given the guests a chance to save up for it.

For all the Americans answering this question - we do things differently here in Australia & it is accepted as not being rude to ask guests to pay for the function.

Answer 15

Sorry but this sounds like a really extravagant hen's night.

To be honest I don't think you should have planned it this big, you definitely should have checked with others about costs before organizing, and asking a guest to pay to attend is rude and in poor taste.

He does have a right to interfere in things like a male stripper, *possibly*.   But thats not the case here.

It's unfortunate that he doesn't like you, but he is definitely right here.

Sorry.

Answer 16

$50? Did you ask the girls if that is something they could afford? I have been a part of several weddings, and the bachelorette party was never that expensive, and we were never directed to pay a certain amount. We simply knew we had to pay our way. So yes, they should pay their way, but I can understand the groom's qualms with the "guests" paying $50 admission.