Boyfriend has alot of debt...now im really worried?

Question

ok i have been with my fella over 4 1/2 years and i have always known my boyfriend had some debt.

from what he said it only sounded like £5000ish so i wasnt too worryed about it.

we moved into a flat in march and i love living with him even tho we never seem to have any money to spend on us it all goes on bills. i only work 20-30 hours a week for minimum wage but he has a good job and a salary +bonuses every 4 months. we never seem to have any money to go for meals or days or nights out

yesturday. i found out that he actually owes nearly £30000

im shocked by this and im really worried now as it explains alot why we are always skint.

i feel that he has lied to me and i dunno what to do.

Answer 1

One thing you should do.

If he's lied to you, there's a chance that he may have taken debts out in your name.  I don't want to frighten you, but I worked with a girl once whose husband had done exactly that. Then he left her for another woman and it took her years to repay the loans.

Go to Creditexpert, you can get a free account for a month, and just make sure that he hasn't done that.

If he hasn't (and I hope he hasn't) then I can understand him lying.  he's probably been lying to himself, pretending it wasn't as bad as it seemed.  he probably sees it as a failure in himself that he's let it get so bad, and maybe he's worried that you might leave him if you found out.  So I'm not saying that he should have lied, he shouldn't, but try and see it from his side.

He's got a problem.  It's not evil in any way, he hasn't done anything morally wrong in getting into so much debt, but it's stupid to have done so.  Unfortunately there are companies out there who love people getting into debt, that's how they make their money.  They prey on people like your boyfriend.

The best thing you can do is try and help him sort himself out, but give him a timetable and if he can't stick to it then you should consider whether you want to spend you life with him.

First things first, go and see Citizens advice.  They can give him the names of charities who will help him.  They won't pay his debts but they will give him sound advice.

He shouldn't consider companies (debt consilidation/reduction), as they will charge a lot of money and not really help him much.  

You should also get him to contact the companies and tell them he's in financial difficulties.  They can help him by not letting him get any deeper into debt, and by maybe reducing the interest he pays.

That's a lot of debt to repay, it will take time, but it can be done.

I recently helped a friend who I found had gotten into £15,000 of debt that he couldn't repay (he was on minimum wage). I told him to contact the compaies, which he did.  In the case of two of the debts, they reduced them massively if he could pay them off altgether; one for £1,500 was reduced to £600 if he repaid immediately, and another of £9,500 was reduced to £5,000 if he repaid (and he did in both cases), so his debts were cut down to £10,000, he repaid that by using 0% credit cards but the important thing is he made the effort to repay.  He is now debt free - and a much happier person.

Answer 2

That is certainly a lot of debt, is it from stupid spending or from a more serious problem like gambling or drugs?

I know from personal experience how hard it can be to admit to somebody your in debt, and how humiliating it can be but at some point in time a line needs to be drawn in the sand to do something about it otherwise things will never get better.

Id suggest you get him to get some counseling and or see a financial adviser to try to sort out some type of plan to get this under control otherwise like my own personal experience time will just keep going with nothing getting any better, in fact it will just get worse with interest etc.

De programing yourself from credit, well me anyway has been one of the hardest things ive ever had to do and sometimes you need to make the hard decisions to solve it.

Answer 3

be careful...i moved in with my b/f who had debt and i slowly began to pick up more bills, until i ended up paying the majority of the bills b/c he wouldn't have money...you need to find out if and when he's planning on paying that off...not having money to do stuff together gets really old...

Answer 4

watch it so YOU arent responsible for his bills... you could be stuffed good.  

Answer 5

Never sign anything on his behalf,or,anything he gives you without reading it thoroughly.You can also publish in the local paper--I .....will not be responsible for my boyfriends debts.As the others have said,watch your back,he could be a well hooked gambler ( the road to h**l ).

Answer 6

I think what you really need to do is sit down and have a chat with him.  See if he has a plan for sorting out his debt problems, if not then maybe go and seek professional help so that you can sort it out.

Some company's will allow you to pay off £1 a month or something daft if they know it will be a regular payment.

If you have £30k debt though, i think it would need to be a lot more than that to clear it sooner.

Is there a possibility you could start working some more hours?  This might help with the money situation, you could use the extra money to go out for a meal or something, this will take the pressure off your bloke.

Whatever you do STOP spending money.. Think about where the debt has come from, is he gambling??  

I think you should also consider what's more important to you, would you like to be debt free in a few years and be able to move on (which means suffering with no going out and all money going to pay it off), or do you want to be able to go out now and it take longer to pay off??

There's a lot for you to think about, I hope you get it sorted out.

Answer 7

That does sound like a scary amount of debt. However do you feel that you may partially be to blame? Were you quite happy to stay oblivious to the extent of the debts in order to keep up the pretense? Maybe you should increase your hours to full time (unless their is a reason why you can't) to try and clear part of the debt. I hope you get it sorted.

Answer 8

I think he would be better off going bankrupt.  Maybe it would be an idea to pop into the citizens advice and get some information.  You can actually do it yourself and get the papers from a local magistrates court.  I know its not ideal but it gives both of you a new start.  My boyfriend had to do the same due to debts caused by his ex.  Its up to you but there are plenty of companies around that are supported by the government and will give free advice.

Answer 9

He has probably been ignoring it hoping it'll go away.

If you want to stay together, then you might try offering him your help to manage the finances.

Ask him for ideas and make sure you leave him some pocket money.  But get him to be totally honest with you or the relationship will end painfully, if not sooner, later.

Tell him you will cut down your spending too. to encourage him.

You will probably both make the odd mistake too, but arguing about it may not help him to stay honest and facing the issue.

Make a pact that you both monitor each others spending  apart from that pocket money.

Then pay off the debts as quick as you can afford.

[UPDATE]

Bankruptcy is not an option.  It will impact on YOU too.  Try anything else legal first.

[UPDATE]

Clearly he knows the score.  But we men are very good at being very dumb at times.  I hope hes not hiding anything more from you.  But his job means you really need to taackle him competantly.

Make notes of the issues before you say anything.  Don't let him wriggle.  He's been on the other side of that wriggling so he knows.

If he has misbehaved and used your name he will be in serious trouble with his employer!

Answer 10

u need to be worried...better watch ur back & i'd be worried about what else i don't know.

Answer 11

I think a lot of people on here are reading way to much into this, like he might have taken debts out in you name!! The best thing for you to do would be to sit down and talk to your boyfriend, he may need help with sorting out a way to pay these debts off!!

I wouldn't say he has lied to you, as I'm in debt myself (not £30000) but I would try and sort it myself without having to tell anyone about it, debt can make you feel ashamed that you got into that situation in the first place!

If you love him, try and help him!!

Good Luck!

Answer 12

that's alot of debt. he needs to get himself some advice and fast. my friend was in this amount of debt and she went to the citizens advice bureau and they worked out a pay plan with her. they then contavted all her creditors and put a stop to the intrest. they did this for free. you can find their number /address in your local phone book. good luck x*x

Answer 13

you might want to consider him being declared bankrupt. His debts could be written off. That would be awesome uh? UH?

Answer 14

You have every right to feel the way you do. It's lying by omission .. and its a red flag. You need to ask him why did he lie-- and I doubt you are going to leave him over this ( I dont think I would either).. but have him really promise never to lie to you again. I can kind of understand WHY he felt he had to lie.. but still.. you guys have been together for too long.. and I'm sure you wouldn'tve left him if you found out he had serious debt. You guys are a team.. and he should trust that you two will work through it. Good luck..