Boyfriend of 4 years is imature and leaves the bills up to me. Should we break up or will he grow out of it?

Question

i have been dating my boyfriend since high school (4years). we are now both 21 still live at home (not together) and last year we bought a house together. we were going to move in straight away but thought we could rent it out for a bit so we could gather up some furniture/money etc..we do love each other(well he says he does) in nearly other aspect he is fine (doesnt drink/gamble/funny)

We have been renting the house out for about 14months. But he has been more interested in buying stuff for his cars/bikes and other stuff then trying to put aside money for us. I dont mind him having hobbies but when your trying to save money you dont go out and 30K car loan 5K credit card that you max out to buy bits for your car. He did. he has a good job paying 65k a year and i make 28k a yr. he pays half of the mortgage repayments (shortfall from the rent we receive which isnt that much) and i pay for the other half. i have to force him/remind him to pay this EVERY single month.

But on top of that I am left paying everything else for the house like Insurance/repairs/water (usual landlord stuff) When i ask for half the money for the bills he always makes up some excuse how is broke or he has forgotten to get it out etc..

He tells me i am his world and he really loves me and how he cant wait to live with me. But then why isnt he helping me when he can see i am struggling to pay all the bills myself? he says he will pay them and never does. i have sat down and told him everything and when i ask him why he doesnt he just says "i dont know/i forgot" and that he will try harder... 2 months later he still hasnt changed. It feels like he wants EVERYTHING cars/bikes/house/me (in that order) but doesnt wants to do nothing to get it.

I just feel he is really immature. he is an only child and has always had everything. but now he is older his parents dont give him as much but is tried to still maintain the lifestyle of having everything. i have tiredly repetedly talked to him about this and its always the same (i'll try harder) will he ever try harder. is it because we are only 20 and girld mature faster than boys and i should just stick it out?

If i felt like he was showing even half an interest in us, instead of just himself i would be ok.

The problem is I just dont know if i should just brake up with him and try to move on (even though i do really love him) but then i am scared that in a couple of years time he is gonna grow up and start showing some responsibility then ive missed out because he is a good guy. i dont know wether to move into the house with him (in 2 months time) and see if he changes or to just break it off with him now, before things are harder to seperate. HELP.

sorry this was so long. x

:(

Answer 1

he won't change. he may just be keeping you around because it is convenient. you need to make a life for yourself. you are probably a wonderful person and could do much better. set some goals and work toward them. good luck!

Answer 2

don't break up, you love him and he loves you, so I think he'll eventually grow out of it, which most men do

Answer 3

If he has been doing this for four years, then chances are he won't change.  

Answer 4

Oh my goddd !

LEAVE HIM !

He is irresponsible..

Do it before he breaks your heart x

Answer 5

It could just be a phase.  He is young and making good money, so he wants to buy himself "toys".  But even grown men do this sometimes.

The bottom line is that you are both young and you need to think about your future.  You do NOT want this guy messing with your credit rating.  If his debt ends up in your name somehow, it can wreck you financially for the rest of your life.

I honestly think breaking up would be a good thing because it will send him a message that you are ready to date someone more mature.  If he decides to grow up in a year, go ahead and give him another shot, but if not...at least you'll have your financial security and he won't be taking advantage of you.

You have plenty of time to meet other guys too.

Answer 6

He is gong to suck the life out of you ....leave.... he sounds like a loser....  

Answer 7

Either way, you already own a house together, so it would need to be picked up by one of you, or sold, probably at a loss in todays market. Still living at home gives him the option to be childish, and selfish. It sounds like the guy is more about appearances, having it all, than having you in that same sentence..He sounds immature, and you have the option of waiting, to see if he will grow up, or, raising him yourself, once you move in together. I would assess my finances, and see what I could do with out him, as far as the house is concerned. If you cant afford it alone, you are risking foreclosure and bad credit, before your feet even really hit the ground as an adult. You need to sit him down and seriously put these issues to him, and tell him straight up... NO MORE. Its you, or his toys. Time for the little boy to put away his toys and become a man.

Answer 8

Don't leave him over this! 21 is still very young! He'll grow out of it. Get him the book "What Color is Your Parachute" and say you want him to find his life's purpose -- the thing that will make him happy, and yes, allow him to help out with the bills, but mostly that you want him to do his life's mission and be deliriously happy, and most desirably with you!

My husband took a while to find his direction and it was long after age 21 which is when we got married and had our first child, but it was SO worth the wait as we are amazingly happy now and he works hard doing what he loves!

Answer 9

brake up with him.he is just loving you for money .he wants that you pay all the money and he can fulfill all his wishes . dump him out of your life.you will get many more.

Answer 10

leave him he sounds like someone who will end up leaving you with a large debt to deal with if you ever get married

Answer 11

Actions speak louder than words my friend. He knows all these things have to be paid and he acts like he forgets about them! Gimme a break!! He is not being responsible and believe me.., you do not want to move in with someone who is not going to help you financially without being reminded.

Make a list of all your bills that you have to share, show him the total and remind him of how much money YOU make. You need his attention and dedication in this matter.

If he loves you, he would not want to put this burden all on your shoulder's and make life miserable for you. He would want you to be happy and not have to worry about the bills that the two of you share.

He may be using you as much as I hate to say that, It is possible. Please don't settle, you can do much better, follow your heart, you  know what you want and need to be happy!!

Best wishes my friend.

Answer 12

You say you're afraid you'll lose out on his good years after putting up with his immature years, if you don't keep waiting?

What if, after waiting for 5 years, you are angry with yourself for hanging around and wasting 5 years of your life waiting to see if he grows up, and he never did?   This is the much more likely event -- after all, why would he suddenly decide to change?  What motivation does he have?  He claims to love you; that hasn't done it.  You are paying bills together; he hasn't lived up to the responsibility yet.  You have taken all the responsibility for him, and he doesn't have to be responsible, so why on earth would he suddenly decide to take some of it on now?

I would sit down and tell him that you need him to be responsible for the bills. Whose name is on them? His, or yours?  If yours, then it's your credit record and history with the company that's at risk if he fails.  If it's his, then let him be responsible for the bill.  If he doesn't pay, you lose the utility, and he gets to figure out how to turn it back on. He has to take the consequences for what he does -- or fails to do -- to learn anything.  If you can't live with him during this -- fielding calls from collectors or utilities trying to get him to pay when you give up the "momma" job of being sure he does what he's supposed to -- then yes, move out, cut the cords, let him learn to be responsible or not on his own.  Or, if it's your name and your reputation at risk, tell him up front, before the bills come due, that you need him to be responsible; tell him exactly what you expect -- how much, and when, and how you'll handle paying the bills with him -- and that if he can't meet those reasonable expectations, you will have to move out and take your own responsibility for yourself, instead of taking on his too.

Answer 13

He might be a good guy but his spending habits will eventually ruin his credit and yours. The rent doesn't cover the house payment. If he falls behind, he will declare bankruptcy and both will lose the house to forecloser. Give him the option of seeing a financial counselor and shaping up. It may be a good idea to sell the house and take a break from his irresponsibility. If his cars and bikes are more important than paying the necessary bills and he just forgets, he is immature and you need to take a look at the picture now and what your future could be like.......in debt and struggling.

Answer 14

I didn't see the men in my life grow up, tell after the divorce and they had to pay child support.  It took awhile for them to be men about that too!

Why can't he give you his pay checks and let you take what is needed for the house?  OR  how about you 2 sit down and make an allowance for each other.  Set it where you each get so much each payday for your "fun, hobby" money  and the rest goes to the house and FUTURE.

If he's not changing, I suppose you know what you want.  The splitting the house and stuff will make your breakup a bit messy, so be prepared for that too.

Answer 15

Reminds me of my brother, he is 30 and still has no control of his money. I don't think he will grow out of it, he will continue the same pattern.  I think that he should speak to a financial adviser and then reality may set in!!  Best of luck!!

Answer 16

will he ever grow up ? Probably not and the only thing I can think of to tell you is give him an ultimatum of either stay the way he is and lose you for good or change his ways and be a part of your life together . Tell him that a promise to change is not good enough anymore because he has shown he won't even try anymore after he has done it a few times . Tell him you feel like the entire burden of your living with him is on you and tell him why . Having a hobby is ok , but to use your ( our )

money is not acceptable when he makes plenty enough money for his hobby money . Unfortunately I do not think he will ever change , but if you do it this way at least you are giving him a chance to step up to the plate.

Good luck and God bless

Answer 17

I wouldn't wait a couple years for him to 'mature'.

Answer 18

ok, baby... breaking up is just running away from your problem. If you really love him - you have to teach him about responsibility. It's not ingrown in everyone. Buy him the book - Rich dad, poor dad. it will change his financial life, and he will be all over this getting rich. Better yet, get him the audio cd, so he can listen in his car, or wherever.

Saving money is like keeping a pet money wad. some people think, as long as the money is there, it will eventually pile up, but not true. you have to both decide to keep it. it's like a child, you have to feed it all the time in order for it to grow. Right now you're the only one trying to feed it, but he doesn't understand what it is. You have to decide to keep a savings, as something concrete, together. like a pet or a child. Teach him the benefits. Get him this book. He's not an idiot, he just doesn't understand yet.

I promise, give a man a fish, and you help him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you've helped him for a lifetime.

Good luck. turn all of that frustrated energy around into something positive. Just do it. it's called transmutation. You can literally focus on some energy, and transmute it into something else, you just have to know that's it's possible before you can do it.

and remember. the book will change his life.  

Answer 19

Dump him!

He makes twice as much as you.

Financially it is unfair, because you are being burden

He doesn't care as much as you think.

Have him buy you out of that house, for current market value,

Or sell it, and you get 10% more then him because of your extra cash input (insurance, repairs and water)

If you stick it out, it will only be worse for you.

Answer 20

If you really love him, you could try to stick it out because eventually he will mature (but it could be more than 10 years down the line)  the maturity level between a 21 year old girl and a 21 year old boy is pretty big.  I'm 21 and I know I could never date someone my age, I feel like they are still KIDS, where I am a WOMAN now.  Nice to have as friends, but as a boyfriend, no.  

Just my opinion, you have to do what your heart tells you but if you decide to stick around just be ready to be seriously patient with him

Answer 21

well tel him to change or u leave him

if he changes , then dont break up

dr. phil says if u think ur losing so much in a relationship

just break it

Answer 22

I'm 22 (soon to be 23) and I have the same problem, except that he and I are renting (from my parents, brother's old house, long story, lol) We were going to buy a house earlier this year, and I'm SOOO glad that we didn't. We started living together in March (engaged after two years in Feb.) and since then he hasn't paid the first light bill, nor the first payment/rent. I have to foot the bill for everything. He gave me $200 last month, and $100 this month, and it costs about $600/mo to live in the place together. He's bought groceries twice in August, but he buys stupid c**p, mostly junk food (that I don't eat), he says he "loves" me, but I've stopped wearing the engagement ring and have literally cut off all of my feelings toward him. I make about the same amount of $$ you do, and guess what, mine lost his job. So, for the past 7 weeks I've been telling him I can't pay for this, I can't pay for this, and he doesn't seem to get it. He wasn't contributing when he did have a job, and now it's llike- well, if you love me, you'll support me, and we'll get through this (he's never said that, but it's what i think). However, I'm very independent and refuse to support anyone, but I'm having a hard time kicking him out. I'd hate for someone to kick me out when I was unemployed, but it's a combination of things that has really gotten me mad, depressed, irritated, and so much more. He recently turned 28. I'm sick of the relationship and would be happy if he'd just leave.

So....from my point of view you should probably tell him, look you make more than twice what I make, so a 50/50 split is unfare, you need to start toting more of the bills or we need to sell this house. Then, if you're able to sell the house cut your loses and move on.

Answer 23

since you've already talked to him you should gather the bills yours and his pay stubs and yours and show him on paper what the difference is and that has a couple he needs to be there more for you financially and not the car not that you mind the car but your adults now and you have more responsibilities since you two will be living there one day if he loves you he will understand that hes putting too much time and money into other things that don't involve your relationship if he doesn't want to change then i suggest reevaluate the relationship

Answer 24

Get rid of the zero and get yourself a hero.  He will never change.  His mommy spoiled him.

Answer 25

Your bf is very immature... he doesn't pay half the bills because he doesn't have to. If you continue to allow this to go on he will never have to grow up..I think you should move in with him but on condition that he gets very involved with the running of the house. You need to tell him exactly what it is you expect from him...then he can't say " I didn't know " If he was capable of buying a house with you then he should also be capable of understanding how things work . You need to know exactly  what it is you want and expect from him...if these things are not made clear then you will get what he wants to give ...which sadly at the moment is very little.

Answer 26

my older sister had a boyfriend for about 2 or 3 years and he couldnt keep a job and couldnt help out with the bills. well finally she got sick of it and told him to leave. and it was the right time to, because he is now in jail. i think u should break up with him and if he wants u bak he will show himself as a responsible adult and mayb he will start taking up his part. good luck! hope u figure out wat to do

Answer 27

if they are hez bills make sure you tell him that he has to pay them off or help to pay them off. dont let him take advantage.

Answer 28

you should have BEEN gone..

Answer 29

break up

Answer 30

He has a lot of growing up to do. If you stay with him, you will have to be a second mommy, reminding him of all his responsibilities and taking them over for him when he falls short. Also, you're going to be around when he destroys his credit (which is inevitable, the way he spends) and you will both suffer for that.

Maybe he will eventually grow up, but you don't know how long that will be and what financial problems he will create in the meantime that you will have to fix. If I were you (and I have been in this situation before), I would sell the house and move on from him.