Boyfriend of 5 years won't commit. What do I do? Have kids.?

Question

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. We live together and I have 2 kids. (He is wonderful to them!) We don't have any real ongoing problems. Things are good. We love each other very much, and we both need each other. We hold each other together, and alone we'd each be a wreck. We need to move out of our tiny apartment badly. He agrees that we need to move. I am 30 something, and I think we should buy a house, especially because I have 2 kids, and that's what people with kids should do. Not to mention I am tired of pissing money away on rent, and that the housing market is all for buyers right now. He wants no part of buying a house. I am trying to bite my tounge and respect his wishes for renting a house instead. But I am torn apart here because he can't commit to anything (I told him just that last night)....won't buy house, or get married, no baby, wouldn't even co-sign for me to finance a $5K car with 3K in the bank. Am I just selfish?

Answer 1

He does sound selfish in many ways, but you have also stated you have really bad credit. Maybe he is just afraid you are going to ruin his credit too? Although after 5 years, that really shouldn't be stopping him as you are technically common law now.

If you can't work this out on your own, I would strongly suggest marriage counselling (he needs to learn how selfish he is without taking it as an attack from you), as well as credit counselling (they can maybe explain home ownership to him so he won't be so freaked out - and you can get a realistic plan of what you need to buy a house).

Answer 2

You're absolutely right, he's scared of all types of commitment it seems.

Answer 3

Your not selfish. Just sit him down abd have a talk about it. As you are so closely bonded you should be able to work this out between you. That's the best thing to do.

Answer 4

Yes, you are being selfish for not putting your children's best interest first.

Why buy the cow when he has already gotten the milk for free?

If he will not commit there is nothing you can do to make him and as he has not after 5 years, it is not highly likely that he ever will.

You indicate leaving him is not an option in your mind because he is father figure to your children, but what type of example are you both setting for the children when he not fully committed to being a family?   How will it be for them when he does decide to leave at the drop a hat?

Answer 5

I think the topic of the subject should change from being about the house and to whether or not he still wants to be in a relationship.  And if you don't want to have that kind of discussion right now then rent an apartment that you would be able to maintain without him so that if he ever does leave you would not have to move.  Remember he can always have a relationship with your girls if you are not with him.  Don't push and pressure.  If someone is not willing or able to commit then you must decide how important that it is to you.  The last thing you want is to force someone to marry you.

Answer 6

At this point, you need to think about your life and your children’s' lives. You need to do what is best for your kids and create a plan of action.

Also you need to figure out what is more important, renting and living with your boyfriend without commitment or being married (if that is a goal) and having the life you choose.

From what you have stated, it sounds like you may become bitter and resentful if you never get married. You have the right to go after what you want in life, even though it may not be with this man.

You have a choice, stay with him and keep your life the way it is, or make the changes you feel are more important to you. He doesn’t sound ready to commit to your life and your family the way you want him to. That is also his choice.

Answer 7

Guys are weird when it comes to financials. The inability to commit to the house is not necessarily a reflection of how much he loves you but perhaps the financial burden intimidates him and feels incapable of supporting such a large financial commitment. The three thousand in the bank could disappear very quickly. An emergency such as car repair, sick kids, accident or illness could deplete that money quickly. It is always good to have a substantial balance in your account for a rainy day and to spend a chunk of that money on a vehicle makes some men a little uncomfortable. Five years is a relatively short time to be together and is no guarantee you will be together another five. Men who are truly committed, think in long terms and want to invest in things that represent a long term relationship. To not be tied down with financial obligations and investments is a safe place for some and to do the real estate thing is an action outside of their comfort zone. To sit down and have a heart to heart talk would be a good idea. We can speculate all we want, but to ask him point blank might give you the answers you are looking for. You are not selfish at all. As a parent and lover, you want stability in your life and you need the support of a man who has dreams and aspirations the same as yours. I am assuming you trust this man so have a serious talk with him to make sure your perspective on the relationship is the same as yours.

Answer 8

I thought I can relate to an uncommited boyfriend, but I'm not yet close to your situation. My bf hates commitment, but money always goes first. Renting our whole lives is out of the question, so we bought a house. You're definitely not being selfish. It's very reasonable to want to buy a house for your kids and your significant other. But you'll be jeopardizing your perfect relationship with your bf if you force him to do anything he doesn't want to do. My only advice is to maybe rent an apt that' a bit bigger than what you have now for the meanwhile, and keep saving and builidng up your credit so you can buy a house on your own. It'll be a lot safer/better for you too, because if anything happens between you and your bf, the house is all yours in the end, even when he's been helping you out with the financing. It's a win-win, trust me.

Answer 9

He isn't respecting your feelings.

You have 2 kids that need more room, he doesn't want to be legally tied to you and he wont help you get a car...?

This guy is a disrespectful disgrace for a man.

A man you marry should want you to be happy, should want to provide you (if possible) with a house, a car...

I mean, this man doesn't want a car, a house, a marriage or a baby with you.... can you see this isn't really working well?

Your not being selfish, your just holding onto something that doesn't need to be held.

Let him go and find a man who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

Answer 10

You are living with a man who doesn't care enough about you to protect you. If something happened to him, and it can in an instant, you have no rights to anything with his name on it. In fact if his family didn't want you to have a say so in any medical issues or final preparations, you don't have a leg to stand on.

You are showing your children that settling for less than what you want is ok. You are also raising them with a man who is acting as their father, and if something happens to you, and it can in an instant, he has no right to them whatsoever. Is that right or fair to them?

Get some counseling and get to the bottom of why this man who needs you so badly doesn't respect you enough to marry you and keep you legally safe. Don't buy a house with him until you get it figured out.

Answer 11

Relationships are about compromise.  He's shown you that on the issue of buying a house he is adamant about not doing it.  It's a sticking point for him so much so that he was willing to move out rather than compromise on it.  So you've got to decide if this relationship is worth compromising your desire to own a house.  If this is more societal pressure ("that's what people with kids should do") than a real desire to be a home owner than the issue should be easy to resolve.  

Remember too that key here might be why he doesn't want to buy a house.  It sounds like he was at least interested enough to look.  But maybe the housing foreclosure crisis is making him have second thoughts.  If you two talk this out you might find that his answer isn't no to ever buying a house but more a no because the time is not right today.  That could make a difference in how much you're compromising to stay together.

Answer 12

You need to think about what is best for your kids AND best for you.

That being said I was with the same man for 7 1/2 years. I didnt have the exact same committment problem as you because he actually wanted to buy a house and neither of us had kids. I flat out asked him to marry me after 7 years and he flat out turned me down. I asked him to elope with me, run to Vegas on a red eye flight that night and I would pay for everything. His answer? I can't, I have to work tomorrow. That was the last time we ever talked about marriage. 6 months later I ended it but not before I tried endlessly to make it work. Of course, that was my situation and yours is somwhat different yet it is still somewhat the same. Here is how:

A marriage or a relationship of your status should be about compromise and an equal amount of give and take from each person. It sounds like you give and he takes and you compromise and he doesn't. What else is there for the two of you if he won't agree to be there for you when you need him?

I don't understand how leaving is not an option when you are obviously getting hurt by him. It IS an option...it is always an option. It is hard to let go, I know, and your kids may be sad and upset but that is what they have you for. You are their mother and you can comfort them.

You told him to leave and he left! If you wouldnt have called him to come home do you think he would have?

I am not saying that what you have together is not repairable either just that if he doesn't agree to work with you on these issues you will always have this problem. It won't go away on its own.

Lets turn this situation around. If your child was your age now and came to you with this problem what advice would you give them? What if your best friend came to you with this problem?

It sounds like you have exhausted a lot of ideas and made changes to be with this guy and you are running out of ideas. Maybe its time for another change. Be honest to yourself and give yourself the love you need. I know its hard to leave the one you love but sometimes it is for the best. Take care hon.

Answer 13

I can see how that must be beyond frustrating.  To answer your question, no you don't sound selfish at all.  If anything, it's him that is being selfish.  Why would he want to keep your children from growing up in a better environment?  The only thing that I can think of, is that maybe he's thinking that financially you guys aren't able to buy a home with only $3,000 in the bank.  Please forgive me if I'm wrong :)