Breaking up with a single parent, while trying to save her feelings?

Question

I'm in a relationship with a single parent, she's very nice, and I do have strong feelings for her; but it's very evident that we just don't have longterm compatibility. I am ten years younger than her, and all we have in common is s*x(very good s*x) and some taste in films.

She wants me to be a figure in her children's lives (girl 9, boy 12, girl 13); I like them, they are unique children, but I am not prepared at my age to be a strong rolemodel for them. I don't think I can do this for her for much longer, and I'm concerned about hurting her kids if they get too attached.

She has also begun to get very needy, I have seen her all but a few nights in the last three weeks, and it doesn't seem to be letting up while she is on leave(at least another month), and she continues asking to see me frequently.

When we're together, at times I feel that she is trying to 'mommy' me, and it makes me very uncomfortable.

So, I want to break things off, or at least back them down significantly. The trouble is, I really do care about her. I simply know that if we try to be too serious for too long, it's going to end badly, I'm beginning to feel very pressured to be somebody that I am not. I want to do this in a way that will spare her feelings as much as possible.

Can I get advice from someone who is a single parent, regarding the gentlest way to do this?

Answer 1

Hi,  I am a single parent who has dated, etc.  I am now in a long term relationship, and all expectations between both of us are very clear.  But before I met my current guy, I had some hard/fast rules about whom I would expose my son to.

In short, this problem is not really your problem, it's hers.  She should have been more careful who she exposes her children to, and you may want in a gentle way to tell her this.  She needs to screen potential mates carefully, and make sure right from day one that you will not meet her children unless or until you are firmly ready for a long term committment that would impact her children.  It sounds like she didn't do that. Shame on her, not you.

There are plenty of men who like hot s*x.  There is no short supply, and most of them would be happy to put you on speed dial if this is all you want.  So, if she wanted great s*x, she should not have exposed her children to you.

You sound like a conscientious guy.  You are really doing her a favor by being completely honest with her that the whole "family" image is not on your horizon anytime soon.  Just tell her you are not ready for it.  Dont tell her that you are dropping her due to her kids as this will only hurt her feelings.  Tell her that you would be willing to keep contact with her kids on a friendship type of basis for an interim time until she/they can get back on their feet.  Give the kids a chance to transition into the idea that life will not include you as a potential father figure.  They will adjust if you give them time and simply don't drop out of their lives completely.  They will only blame themselves if you up and disappear.

Again, this is a problem that SHE created, not you.  I am glad that you are mindful of the kids, but someone needs to set this woman straight.  If she wants to continue to have s*x with you, she needs to shield her kids from it.  In other words, don't tell them mommy has a boyfriend.  They dont need to know.  Tell her that's all you are willing to do right now and hope she will be smarter next time.

Good luck.