Brothers wedding is Saturday- issues

Question

Well my brother who is 21 is getting married this Saturday. I'm the 25 year old big sis. I don't really like his fiance, but that isn't really my issue. We are civil with each other, get along, and never gotten into a fight or anything. We basically just tolerate each other, knowing that we don't really like each other.

She of course didn't ask me to be in the wedding. But, she has 4 bridesmaids, one is my 15 year old sister! She had her be a bridesmaid, but left me out. I kind of understand, because I wouldn't want her in my wedding, (I'm already married) but I didn't like being the only one in the family left out. My brother feels bad and doesn't want me to be left out.

So... since our mother is deceased, I asked him if I could light his candle (the mother usually lights the candle) for the unity candle ceremony. He said he'd ask her if they were even doing a unity candle. They are. Now, he says she thinks my grandma should light his candle. Or my dad. Or all 3 of us at the same time.

I told him he needs to decide what HE wants, and let her know regardless if it is me or not who does the candle.

What should I do? I have made my case known. I don't want to be left out of his important day. I love him very much and want to do this special thing for him. Am I being unreasonable? I just want Saturday to go smoothly and help him have the most memorable day and happiest day of his life.

Answer 1

Don't forget, it's his wedding day, don't put anymore pressure on him then he already has. If you want Saturday to go smoothly, tell him you'll do whatever he needs and if that is showing up and doing nothing then be happy for him.  

Answer 2

If you want it to go smooth do what he asks and if he doesn't then just be there in support and have a good day.

Could you do a reading or a toast?  

Answer 3

I'm so sorry to hear about this.

Do not worry, I think you've made it clear to your brother that you do want to be part of it.  However, it is not in your hands.  

Your future SIL is a little whacko and rude.  She has made it clear that she has issues with you.  Just be the mature person that you are and help your brother with the small details he needs help with.

It doesn't feel good to be "rejected", esp by a future member of the family.

Good luck and try to enjoy the day! Don't stress!

Answer 4

I think you've done what you ought to. And from the tone of your post I suspect you're up for being mature and biting your tongue tomorrow as needed.  

Answer 5

I completely understand why you have a problem with this, but I think you’re missing a big point. You don’t get to dictate how someone else’s wedding goes. It sounds like you’re trying to control your brother (“I told him he needs to decide what HE wants”) into clashing with a girl you admittedly don’t like.

I’m going to read just a bit more into this. When you’re dealing with someone l who gets upset when people don’t do what she thinks they should (i.e. things aren’t in her control), you can either a) give in and reinforce that you’ll bend if they bully you enough or b) you can stand up for yourself and refuse to give them what they want if that’s how they go about getting it.

Now I don’t know if the interaction you had with your bro about the candle is typical of your relationship, but if it is, I wholehearted applaud his future wife for starting their life together with firm boundaries in place of what is acceptable and what isn’t.

Put yourself in her shoes for a second. Would you really have asked your own husband’s sister to be in your wedding if she admittedly didn’t like you?  Most brides choose attendants who they consider friends, not just people they’re socially obligated to choose. I won’t argue there’s a strangeness that your little sis is included and you aren’t, but I would never let someone demand their way into being part of my wedding.

You can be as upset about this as you want, but you’re wasting energy on things you cannot control. Why not let it go and be happy that your brother is happy?  Hanging onto the angst won’t change anything, but it will make you miserable.  

Answer 6

causing a rift over things at the wedding are just going to make things worse down the road.  His soon to be wife will view it as you trying to ruin the wedding and probably hate you forever (on the extreme end of course)  but it's their day, let them do what makes them happy.  Be happy for them and supportive.  It's not your day to complain.

Answer 7

Well, I know exactly how you feel. My younger brother is getting married in September and I am not in the wedding. Me and him are very close. I was very hurt at first because I was not asked but the I sat and realized that it is NOT my wedding and it is his and her day. I am not married and he is getting married before me. So i have the family on my case about that. So that does not help

BUT i have been lucky that I was envolved in the coordinating of the wedding and I am able to help host the showers.

So just let them have there day and just make your self involved in was that you want to .

Just keep faith that you will have fun and I am sure that it will work out.  

Answer 8

You aren't being unreasonable. It was kind of rude of them to leave you out of your brother's wedding, especially since you guys seem pretty close.

I hope you get to light the unity candle. It would give you a pretty big part in the wedding. Think about what the unity candle is symbolizing.

Your brother needs to stand up for you and give you a place in his wedding. The bride chose her bridesmaids, but he should choose who represents his family.

Answer 9

You’ve said your piece and that’s all you can do.

Even if you’re not actually participating in the wedding ceremony – candle, flower girl, whatever, who cares. The best thing you can do is go. Support your brother on this happy day. Be proud of your sister. Beam when they kiss. Wish them both well. Hold your head high. Be the bigger person. Don’t think it won’t go unnoticed by everyone.

Know in your heart of hearts that this marriage to this selfish trollop will last 2, maybe 3 years tops.

When it does fall apart, support your brother and make sure he knows you love him dearly.

Answer 10

Well, you've made your feelings and desires clear to your brother.  The ball is in his court and he has to decide if he is going to make the effort to include you.  You will just have to accept his decision and try to be the best sister you can.

Answer 11

There really isn't much you can do afterall it is her wedding. Be supportive of your brother do not let her break that bond between you. Understand that he is caught in the middle and cut him some slack. i know it's hard but by doing this you will have your brother's support. It is sad to have to watch him marry the wrong person, someone as childish as she should not be getting married but it was his choice. Don't let it bother you, even though it will, just celebrate your brother's joy.

Answer 12

I understand both sides here.  She doesn't have to choose you as one of her bridesmaids but it would be nice to be included, after all it is your brother.  I think that it'd be a good idea for you to light the candle even if you & your grandmother did it together.  If after all is said and done and you aren't in the wedding be sure that you let you brother know how you feel about it, yes this is his (soon to be) wife BUT you are flesh&blood.  Don't ruin his day but after the fact just mention it, maybe to both of them. But if you & your brother are close then he should step in & tell her that he does want you included. Goodluck! & I hope it all works out!

Answer 13

I feel your pain...I got left out of my brother's wedding too.

In all reality, the wedding is all about the bride.  It should be about the bride and groom, but it's ususally about the bride.  Let her do her thing...It's silly to get that upset about a person you clearly don't like in the first place.  Don't let her ruin your time at the wedding, go and have fun and enjoy hanging out with your family and try to ignore her.

Answer 14

If you want that day to go smoothly, at this point, the best thing you can do is back down and graciously accept the decision that is given to you. It may not be a fair or mature decision, but there's nothing that can really be done at this point to resolve it without drama unless you concede. Be there, love and support your brother, and that will be a part of it enough to matter to him.  

Answer 15

Get over it. It's not your wedding and your brother wants to please his new wife, not you. Besides-- you barely tolerate  her and don't even like her, so why do you expect to be included in any meaningful way?

He's already let you know what he wants: grandma to light the candle or someone who isn't you.

If you didn't want to be left out of his big day, you should have done more than tolerate her or be civil to her.

You need to back down and continue to be civil.

Answer 16

I don't really have any advice to give you, you know how you will react tomorrow if you are not chosen, which is the higher road, good for you.  The only thing I can say is make sure you do have a special moment with your brother.. Pull him out on the dance floor, and tell him how much he means to you and how you hope he is going to be so happy. You don't have to talk about her or mention anything. Just let him know what he means to you. And as long as he is happy you are happy for him.  If he already knows you are upset about the candle thing, then he will be able to see it in you.  There is no point in saying something again, at this point you will just have to accept the decision she makes (I think she is being highly immature by the way..) and grin and bear it.  Good for you for being a mature adult.  As long as you handle yourself that way, things will remain great for you and your brother.  Good luck tomorrow! Don't forget your kleenex ;)

Answer 17

Saturday, you mean TOMORROW?  Do you realize you are just adding to his stress by making these pleas at the last minute? Everything should be well settled by now.

If you're not in the actual ceremony, that doesn't mean anything. What really, truly matters is that you are supportive of your brother.  That's the route a loving, supportive sister should take.  

What you are doing is making him aware that you put your feelings above his, because you should be wanting to see him happy.  He obviously cares about his sister and you don't need to test that bond. Making him stand up to his fiancee is putting him in the middle needlessly.  It's not your wedding, and he made his choice.  You are making him feel worse and the only thing this will do will cement a bond with his new wife who will be saying, "See? Your sister doesn't like me, it's you and me against the world, baby."  

Edit: You say he's not stressed, but look at the evidence. He gave you a non-answer about the candle. He checked with her - if it was okay with his fiancee he obviously would have come back with "that would be great!" Instead, he comes back with "yeah we're doing a candle but I was thinking Grandma should do it."  Do you really think it was his idea when he didn't even know about the candle in the first place?  The conclusion: she doesn't want you in the wedding, she told him so, and the person who is bearing the brunt of this is your brother, who is right in the middle of two women he loves trying to get their way.  He is trying to come up with something that will please you both (all three of you lighting a candle at once).

He's always going to be your brother. I think you should take the high road and just be supportive of him on the day as an honored guest.   If he had come back and asked you to be in the ceremony that would be one thing. He could have said, "Grandma is lighting the candle but we'd love it if you could read from this poem during the ceremony."  He didn't - which really means that he's trying to diffuse the situation.