CAn You Help Me With My Poem PLease?

Question

Which Poem Stanza Is Better?

Well i decide to edit the beginning of one of my poems and was wondering which is better?

Original

Tragedy strikes and they still look past her

Never noticing the scars on her heart.

Cuts go unnoticed and bruises scatter on her skin.

She screams but no sound comes out.

Rewrite

Tragedy strikes and they look past her troubled state.

Scars lay upon her heart invisible to plain eye.

Bloodied wounds go unnoticed and bruises linger upon her flesh.

She screams but only silence is heard.

Answer 1

The second for sure, it isn't as predictable as far as the wording goes.

Answer 2

As a poem I think the first one is better. Using simple words to create elaborate and intricate meanings is poetic genius. Your second one is more like a story. Something that I would read. It sounds less rythmical but has many good details.

Answer 3

the second stanza is better and sound nice neat with saome interesting words, though



check mine

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?...

Answer 4

The second one