Calling all psychologists, counselors, and kind-hearted people: So...want to hear the story of my life?

Question

I need help. I am just confused and at a loss. So if anyone wants to listen and give advice, then here you go!

To start off, I'll let you know that I am a mixed guy half black and half asian. Not a big deal...well not through grade school, but as you get older people start making assumptions about you become stereotypical and believe what they want to believe about other people and I've first hand experienced this type of sad behavior. Anyway, dad was in the military, he hardly was ever home, mom was a stay-at-home mom raising 3 kids, I was the youngest (two older sisters). Still to this day even though my dad is in the same house, I don't think we've ever held a conversation, never taught me how to shave, about cars, women, LIFE. My mom, any little thing wrong we would get whooped or lectured for hours to the point I remember I was truly frightened of her. Then she would cook dinner and pretend nothing ever happened like giving us food was suppose to renew things. I was raised as a naive kid, kept on a tight leash. I was always good in school - gifted program, and honors society. In high school I was in at least 10 clubs and programs including football, math team, business and engineering clubs. But the main reason I did all of these was because I never wanted to be home...my parents fought enough to the point my mind couldn't handle. Have you heard your parents yell, "Your mom's a ****** w***e" "You're a stupid ******" "Get out before I call the cops" to eachother while dishes and tvs smashed in the background? I called the police once or twice, once I even took out a baseball bat and told them I would start smashing things if they don't stop. Now don't get me wrong, they really are loving people (unless im in denial? and how would I know what love is anyway) but horrible parents. Out of high school I went to a local private university for engineering all expenses paid, stayed at home thought things would be better, (and well the truth is I went to school to study electrical engineering so I could learn how to build robots that killed people. I wonder where I got an idea like that, how could anyone be so sick?)but the factors in life at the time were just overwhelming to the point I stopped going to classes and focused my attention on keeping my sanity. Well I lost my scholarships, so I had to pay out of pocket for community college. Understand, at this point in time, I pretty much just mentally blocked out my family instead of pretending all the time I was happy.

Well, since I never wanted to be home, I was always out, slowly entering the night scene, meeting people that maybe I never should have. Started smoking, doing drugs, drinking, s*x, all that good stuff. Got myself into trouble with the law, jailtime, kicked out the house, etc. The past two years is all a blur to me, now I am back living with them, they are trying to be better, they don't fight as much. The thing is they blame me and other people for whats happened to me. I feel they aren't sympathetic to the fact of what I've been through because of them. And I just can't let it go, I can't drop it because its a whole lifetime of pain and confusion. And now as I'm getting older the world just doesn't seem like a good place anymore, I have trust, commitment, and self-esteem issues (just to name a few). I'm on a rollercoaster of depression, anxiety, stress, short-term memory, I don't talk to anyone anymore, I feel isolating myself is best for now. So add dissociation on top of that. I just can't be happy. I can only find temporary relief by listening to music or going out to a club or something, but now they just tell me not to go out, because they think only BAD people are out at night. Well I'm six months sober now, back in school, moving to a new city, new people, and trying to hang on to the motivation and hope that I've got. All of this I'm paying for with a personal private loan of $15,000. No help from parents, they didn't even want to sign a guarantor form which all college students are required for student housing. Let me conclude with the fact that through all this time, never in my life had a gf, reasons being in high school I somehow had the idea I always wanted to be settle with a job, car, my own place etc. so I can treat her good. After hs, as you know things got turned upside down, and the ladies left in this town were pretty much trashy anyway. And I wasn't exactly in the right mentality.

I'm 21 now, the entire past 5 years I worked fulltime, two of the years at a professional jewellers as manager-on-duty while completing my associates. I've been a man of oppressed feelings and emotion, no true friends, and on top of that, through it all, my folks think I'm a scumbag, they look at me funny, like I'm a freak "What went wrong" kinda look. When I'm not home...I'm happy. No one causes problems for me outside of home. I try to stay neutral as far as most everything in life. I have an eclectic personality and get along with mostly everybody, except doctors, they tend to look at me like I'm scum. I guess I don't know how to talk to them? I never identified with any religion but its always been hard for me to believe theres a supreme being, and I don't let anyone get to close to me. I'm just so confused about everything at this point in life and sometimes my head feels like its going to explode. Probably much like yours after reading all of this.

Now this here is just way too long and if anyone took the time to throroughly read it, then I am truly thankful for your time and thoughtfulness. I am open for your thoughts, opinions, and suggestions. Would you suggest seeing a school counselor? Everyone always told me I am going to be something great one day, but I just don't know anymore. Thanks everyone.

Answer 1

First of all, you should know that none of that is your fault. I would suggest seeing a counseler, because they can help you feel so much better.  And you could try making a friend that is older that you, and caring and responsible so you sort of have another adopted parent that might be better for you. But most importantly, see a counseler. I'm not an expert or anything, but I have dealt with similar things.

Answer 2

Confront your parents and tell them how they have hurt you emotionally. If they react in violence then I would move out. No matter what happens you do have the option of moving out you may have to get out an extra loan but it would help with your sanity. You do not need to live with your parents because you are legally old enough to move out. I wouldn't let their decisions determine how you live but if you choose to live under their roof you will have to abide by a lot of them. Find some people that will encourage you. If you do not think that you can emotionally handle looking for friends than I would go see a counselor. They are better at helping you with this than a psychologist. Psychologists base their ideas on theories rather than the emotional needs of a person.

Answer 3

Let's put it this way, your parents can see what you're going through, they're your parents, I don't think they're that blind. However, they would prefer blaming what happened on you instead. Why? because if they took the blame, it would be like admitting they're bad parents who screwed up their kids life, so it seems like they would rather lie to themselves. The thing is, nobody will truely understand you but yourself. You grew up without good & understanding parents, you can live your whole life without them. You're going toward the right path there trying to get that degree on accounting. You say you feel like you can do it, but one slip and thats it for you. That's pretty tough there in your part, because it's like if you get that degree, you can start all over and go on with your life, but if you don't, you're screwed. If it's like a 50/50, don't do it, one mistake and your whole life will be affected. But if you really really feel like you can do it like you said, work very hard and go for it. You're doing this for your own good. You made your mistakes and you learned from it. Forgive yourself, move on. It's a part of life. You have your whole future ahead of you. Get that degree, show everyone who looked down on you what you can do. Anyways, the first thing you said was "I need help." Right now I think you have the ability to help yourself out, just need hopes and motivations. I suggest you should get the degree first then decide to see a counsilor later. As for your parents, there's no point of trying to make them understand you, they know or at least have a clue, they're just lying to themselve, its not worth it. There are still good things/people out there in the world. Don't give up!!!

I wish the best luck to you! Honestly.