Can I break the cycle of abusive parenting?

Question

My parents were worse than useless. They were emotionally and physically abusive for many years. They are better now because I don't use them as parents if you get what I mean. We love each other but I hold them at arms length and I couldn't rely on them for help or support. I guess we have a very shallow but 'nice, friendly' relationship.

I'm just scared because my son threw something at my daughters head while I was on the phone to my dad and I told him off, my dad told me that I reminded him of him and my mum. I am so upset. I have fought so hard against how they were we my sister and me and have done so well. I don't use any form of smacking or physical discipline on my children, I don't shout at them and I only raise my voice occasionally. We have given him (my daughters only 6 mths) very clear boundaries, we do discipline him just not by yelling and hitting and he is a very well behaved little boy. He's lovely.

The trouble is now I feel like fate has already decided I'm going to fail them and I'm freaked out.

I can break the cycle can't I?

Answer 1

You've already broken the cycle by wanting to be different. You yelled at your son for doing something wrong don't beat yourself up about it. Be the best parent that you can that's all that matters your parents are not you and remember to learn from their mistakes. Keep doing what your doing your doing great :)

Answer 2

yes! you can.

i may really young, but i know for sure that you can.

BOTH of my parents had alcoholic/abusive parents.

my dad is now an alcoholic, cocain user, because he chose that path.

my mom decided at a very young age that she would provide a better life for her family, she left my dad last year & they have had a nasty divorce, and me and my siblings, have been in the middle of it.

my brother, who's 10 was abused very badly by my dad

& my other brother whos 5, was too.

they started do be bossy & abusive, because that is what they learned and were exposed to.

they have been in counsiling for over a year, now and have shown big signs of imprivement.

you CAN break the vicious cycle or abusive parenting.

just have HOPE and try counciling, if you need an extra boost.

[:

Answer 3

sounds like you did break the cycle. not only did you recognize the problem, but you are taking steps to fix it.

every slips and loses it for a second, just take a quick break. go to your room and shut the door or take a breather outside. whenever you can, give yourself a treat to something you enjoy and do it by yourself. happy moms have happy homes

Answer 4

yes you can sweetie and remember there are times when we will lose it as much as you try but just keep trying and you can break the cycle remember that and dont be to hard on yourself ...  

Answer 5

Of course you can.  You already are.  Your parents are not your destiny, and telling a kid off for throwing something at an infant's head (assuming you weren't swearing at them) is entirely appropriate.  Even if you were swearing or yelling inappropriately, one incident of a lost temper (that just resulted in some yelling) is hardly abusive parenting.  

Be proud of the job you're doing and don't work yourself up about "fate."  There's no such thing.

Answer 6

I had the same upbringing as you. I won't lie, there are times that I've yelled at my daughter or wanted to smack her. But I stop and breathe and tell myself to relax first before I go to discipline her. I've never laid a hand on her and she's 4.  

Answer 7

If it makes you feel any better, you shouldn't cheer him on, if he throws something at the baby... However, I'm not sure what you mean when you say you 'told him off,' so, it's hard to answer... Anyway, of course you can break the cycle... Recognizing the problem, is half the solution. :) Good luck, and keep trying.

Answer 8

Hon, you've already broken the cycle.  Don't let an off-the-cuff remark by your father derail you.  His comment could have been an attempt to manipulate  you. Don't fall for it.

You might want to think about therapy for yourself -- not because you're hurting your kids -- but to help yourself put your past in a proper perspective.  Just a thought.

Answer 9

Don't hit, don't scream, talk in stern voices, and take breaks if needed....and you'll be fine.

Answer 10

You are nothing like your parents (as far as I can see). You simply raised your voice at your son because he could have potentially hurt your daughter, he needed to know that what he did was wrong. Your parenting skills seem above average, and I doubt you are abusing/ will abuse your children. I would suggest getting some kind of counseling to help you get over your former abuse. This might be part of the reason that you believe that you will be abusive. I think you sound like a perfectly normal mom that has a healthy relationship with her children. I know that you can break the cycle! Matter of fact, you already have! I hope this helps!

Answer 11

Yes you can.  Maybe talk to someone or read some parenting books or better yet...their are people on her who give great advice!  Sometimes I have to remind myself that I am NOT my father and refuse to think / act like he did.  I ususally take time outs if I am getting too irritated.