Can I get an honest opinion on my poem?

Question

Frozen with fear

The blast what I hear

The Bullet rips

Blows me away

I will not see the light of day

There I lay

My blood spilled

The tires screech

My painful defeat

I look up to the sky

Wonder why

Never to know

Who took my life

Death encroaches

I feel the dread

The regrets in my life

There'll be no end

I rot in the ground

Feeling nothing

Maggots digest

It's a matter of time

Before they eat the rest

I see the light

Shining ever so

I release my spirit

Wherever it will go

In a place

without sunshine

First disgrace

Is all mine

Bones and rot

All that's left

Who would have known about my death?

Forgotten over the years

No one sheds a tear

Silence is my punishment

For the hericies I committ

Victim of timing

Death Eternal

Putting me down

Such an easy task

For those who hide

Behind their wicked mask

Satan out to get me

He seeks my soul

Life is slipping

I lose control

Mortality my weakness

Immortality my gain

I slip into a place

With only pain

Fire and Brimstone

Burns the skin

I roast in the flames

For all my sin

Answer 1

wow i really like the last verse ...

Answer 2

You have talent my friend.

I can feel it.  

It's emotion filled and I'm drawn to finish reading it.

Do you have any more? I suggest making a folder and start to collect the various works you've done. Who knows, you may decide to publish it one day! (Which I reccommend)

Stephen King submitted his work 27 times before it was finally published. (I heard somewhere) Whatever happens, don't give up.  =)

Answer 3

Honestly, I like it. It's not very cryptic; a lot of poems are sometimes too enigmatic for me to decipher. However, I would suggest splitting the poem in two, between the

"I see the light

Shining ever so

I release my spirit

Wherever it will go"

part and the one that follows it. Seems like a different tone is introduced, one less straightforward, more speculative. Just my opinion, though =]

Answer 4

that was deep.     i liked it, though i think you should cut out the part from " i rot" to " the rest"

Answer 5

ahhhh not bad, it's nicely written, try and work on the flow in your future poems

Mortality my weakness

Immortality my gain

I slip into a place

With only pain

Stuff like that just sounds like a series of facts you are stating....It reads very....stale. You obviously are new to poetry and have yet to develop the "poetic flow" as in your lines should seep into each other beautiful.....im sure you will get it soon enough though. Good luck.

Answer 6

WOW WOW WOW WOW

Honestly that was great, even if it didnt rhyme it would still be awesome!

GOSH! --- Congrats on the AWESOME poem!

xox Jen xox

Answer 7

Alright, now that's a poem.  I can tell some of these phrases came easy and smooth to you by listening to the music, some of this is awesome and smooth to read.  

The line "Life is slipping" - i thought life was already over at that point; being as though "bones and rot, all that's left".  Just revise where you think you need to; i could be wrong and just understand things differently.  Enjoyable for me.

is it a story about a soilder in siberia? =)

Answer 8

I thought it was good.  Even though you switched thoughts (by which I mean un-punctuated sentences, lol) often, it was not difficult to follow.

Though the way this is written, it seems like you die twice (because you talk about the afterlife and then return to dying).  ^^