Can I get some advise on this situation with my daughters mom?

Question

My ex and I have joint-custody, and up until 2 weeks ago I had our 5 year old daughter Monday - Friday. We agreed to switch schedules(though I was hesitant ) so I could work more, then join the army in a few months, then come back and resume every weekend with my daughter. so I had my lawyer draw up a stipulation with all the changes. My daughter is on her second week of kindergarten and the legal papers are finished but not signed yet.Now I'm starting to have second thoughts. I have to be able to trust her to let me see my daughter when I have vacation time from the army, because I'll have to drop joint-custody for the time being and get it back after my three years of service is up( it could end up being more than 3 years) and my schedule will be too sporadic to plan consistent visits. So it'll be up to her to let me visit my kid when I come home. she did say she would do it though. Originally she said she would work with me if I give her what she wants which is to have our daughter during the week.

When we first agreed to switch, she said that she would be there every day to pick our kid up from school, because she was going to be working part-time. After the first day of school I called and talked to my daughter and she told me that her moms friend's kids 9 and 13 years old walked her to their house, and said there were no adults with them. I asked her mom about it and she told me it wasn't true, that her friend was there with them. She then preceded to tell me that her boyfriend and her friend will be the ones to pick up our kid. I told her I thought she was being dishonest,and is already making stupid decisions. Then we had a big fight, and she said she thinks our daughter is ready now to walk home with no adult supervision. This kind of thing scares me that she is that careless, and also makes me worry that she'll go back on some of the other things too.

Also, I have a tight bond with my daughter and I'm concerned I'll lose that if I go away for a while. I'm having a tough time making these decisions. Should I forget about going to the army? I don't want to wait too long to join, I just turned 33, and I think if I do it it'll be soon or never.

hope that made sense, Any advise on what I should do would be appreciated.

Answer 1

your wife is irresponsible - 5 y.o. should never be left without adult supervision, 13 y.o. can not be responsible if smth happens. and with all those perverts and maniacs nowadays i don't let my 11 y.o. walk home alone - only with his 15 y.o. brother. u maybe should enlighten your wife about perverts' activities. and yes, your daughter will forget u during 3 years - she is not a switch u can switch on and off on request. 3 years is a long time. it is either u have a bond with daughter or u join the army

Answer 2

its obvious that you have given this a lot of thought and that you care very deeply for your daughter. i can tell that this is hard for you! in my opinion, if you have any doubts as to the quality of care and safety for your daughter, i would wait before you sign off ur custody. her well being is the most important thing to consider and if you cant trust your ex with that then i dont see how you can go away for 3 years. if something was to happen to her (god forbid!) or if your bond with her weakened, then dont you think you would regret leaving? i can understand how this is a tough decision for you, what with you already being 33...but only you can make this decision...trust your instincts...good luck!

Answer 3

Is there a reason you want to enlist in the Army?

It sounds like you daughter is very important to you yet you want to leave her for 3 years.  And with a mother that thinks it's safe for a kindergartner to walk home by herself.

Woe something is not right here.  Is the Army more important than your daughter?  Only you can answer this question.  Is this Army thing a manly thing that you feel you must do?  I understand that if you don't do it now then  you won't ever because of your age.  If it is something you will regret not doing the rest of your life, then I say go serve our country and pray for your daughter every day that she will be safe.

Only you can decide what is best for both of you.

I really do understand your need and want to enlist in the Army.  You want to take your turn instead of letting the other guys fight for you you want to participate.  I don't blame you.

I'm sure your daughter will be OK after all she will be with her mother.  Her mother won't harm her in any way and mother's take care of their children.  You will get to come home periodically to see your daughter.

As I set here thinking about it, I think you should enlist in the Army.  I would hate to think that I had any part in keeping you out of the Army and something you have a strong will to participate in and will regret later that you didn't go.

Good luck and duck (keep yourself safe)!

Answer 4

Depending on what the group of kids has to walk through to get home from school, a 13 and 9 year old are perfectly capable of supervising a 5 year old.  It may not make you comfortable but if the other kids are responsible and the distance is short and they walk along safer roads then that situation is pretty normal.  I am actually more surprised that the school would release a kindergartener or a first grader to someone other than a parent as my daughter's schools (multiple schools as we are military and move often) wouldn't.

Being military I'm not going to knock it as a choice.  The Navy has been very good for DH and our family as evidenced by his 16 years of service and counting.  But I will give you some other things to think on before you sign up.  If your daughter is as important to you as she sounds you may want to look at other options.  You already know that you'll have to give up full custody of your girl to even enlist.  And you will be at the mercy of her mom for visitation.  Add to that the growing trend of some judges deciding that custody hearings are too time sensitive to be covered by the Soldier/Sailor Act and should go forward even if the military member cannot get to court due to deployment.  That means that you may not be represented if your ex decides to file for full custody while you're gone.  Which can lead to you loosing all contact with your child.  Now I know families who work the problems out.  But they also have a lot of trust in their kid's mom and both sides of the family are willing to work to make things easier on their kids.

So I guess you have to decide if your concerns over your daughter's mom's decisions are real, valid concerns.  If she's making horrible choices that put your daughter in eminent danger then you need to research other options to stay near her and safeguard her.

If your concerns are more about differences in parenting styles then you may be blowing them out of proportion as you find yourself getting closer to actually enlisting.  Kind of like getting cold feet before a wedding.

Answer 5

My son is 8 and I still walk him to the bus stop and pick him up everyday! It sounds like she has no concern for the well being of your daughter. You may want to keep her M-F. Are you really going to be able to leave for 3 years and be confident in the safety of your daughter? Ask yourself, Do you feel confident that your daughter will be 100% safe or do you have concerns? If there is a concern you may want to scratch the army thing. Your child will come first always.