Can I get some honest opinions on this poem

Question

I hit my head

On a soft pillow

Half-Dead

Like a Weeping Willow

I awake

Alarm blaring

Cold water hits

My distraught body

I accept my work

Year in

Year out

Causing a breakdown

Of my anguished shouts

I am in a rut

I cannot defeat

Psychic screams

My safety retreats

Confusion and Nostalgia

My only emotions

Only the Future knows

My worldly devotions

The power to create

The power to destroy

The power to raise

A small little boy

Whichever road I take

I choose in time

For I take a path

That's less than Divine

Medicine man

Cures the pain

Healing hands

Happiness he feigns

A writer

Burrows his sorrows away

In the poetry

He write all day

Each road ends

It's the truth in life

We make amends

And forget our spite

We look back on life

See if it was great

Not regretting

each and every mistake

We live and we learn

No matter how much we get burned

In the end it's all we got

Even though sometimes it was for naught

So I leave this end

For those of you

Who are undecided on what road to choose

Happiness in life is only found

When you find the meaning

In the special moments that last so long

Wrote this in about 15 minutes.

I think I got kind of scattered, constructive criticism preferred! Cheers :D

Answer 1

I really like it and if i were you i would send that into the site listed have you written any other poems becouse i really liked ready yours and would enjoy reading more, my sister has also written a poem and posted it and its now in a book and her poem is on the 2nd web site i have given to you so yes to answer your question, your poem is great good on you what ever inspired you to write that has given you a good start in life good on you keep up the good work

Answer 2

I like it, though I think you should decide whether or not you want this to be a poem that rhymes in it's stanzas or not. Some of them have rhyme and rythym and other stanzas don't. Other than that, it's pretty good, and I usally hate poetry :)

Answer 3

I like it. To me it sounded like it came from somewhere deep, and that's the best place for poems to come from. There were some grammatical errors but I liked how you set up the stanzas and how they flowed. Nice job :)

Answer 4

It sounds like neo-punk/90s alternative song lyrics.

That's good or bad depending on your perspective, I think.

Answer 5

Great Stuff for something written in 15 minutes !

Good Job.

Answer 6

I think the poem is good, up until its gets a bit long towards the end, in content and sentences

I would end it at:

hit my head

On a soft pillow

Half-Dead

Like a Weeping Willow

I awake

Alarm blaring

Cold water hits

My distraught body

I accept my work

Year in

Year out

Causing a breakdown

Of my anguished shouts

I am in a rut

I cannot defeat

Psychic screams

My safety retreats

Confusion and Nostalgia

My only emotions

Only the Future knows

My worldly devotions

The power to create

The power to destroy

The power to raise

A small little boy

Whichever road I take

I choose in time

For I take a path

That's less than Divine

Medicine man

Cures the pain

Healing hands

Happiness he feigns

A writer

Burrows his sorrows away

In the poetry

He write all day

Each road ends

It's the truth in life

We make amends

And forget our spite

If you do not want to cut the end bits then I would work on them because its starts to trail off a bit

I do like what you have to say

Answer 7

This is a rough draft?!  Holy cow, you have a lot to work with. And it sounds really good already.

Answer 8

Somewhere inside this rambling mess is a poem and a poet. If you study it properly, you may make a fine poet someday.