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Can I have some opinions on some writing please?

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I am aiming for an English degree at university - ultimately I'd love to be an author. Long shot, I know. I'm writing a piece of prose for my GCSE coursework but given the amount of ideas that are flowing through my head I think it's going to turn out to be a novella!

Just as a start to it - what do you lovely people on here think to this?

Magdalena Martinez lived in Grenyác, mainly because that was the only place where she felt at peace with herself; she found the surrounding cities too harsh, rough and unforgiving. She resided within a tumbledown apartment above the local florists, owned by Mme Fitzgerald and from there she could witness the comings and goings of the sleepy town. The exposed beams of the low ceiling were draped with colourful ribbons and dried lavender sprigs - a local speciality. Many pieces of the oak furniture were donated by the residents of Grenyác, as a friendly peace offering; a rustic table, three reeded chairs, and a bookcase amongst other items. Standing on top of the scrubbed table was a glazed pottery vase with a poppy delicately placed into it, a glass containing some sort of liquid, a poppy petal floating a top. To the left of the table, a small lead piped window, diamond panes glinting in the hazy evening sunlight. A yellowing envelope sat on the white windowsill, dated the same year as the fatal political uprising. Under the small flight of stairs the old bookcase, packed shelf to shelf full of crumbling volumes - a beaten copy of Gigi on the bottom shelf next to an old paperback version of Utopia. Books seemed to reside everywhere in this apartment - even spilling through into the kitchen; Nicholas Nickleby and Hamlet taking the place of any guests who wished to sit at the worktop.

Magdalena, when she became acquainted with the town's folk would have been considered some foreign beauty not to be trifled with. The silky black hair from her mother's Spanish lineage, the sparkling blue eyes from her fathers Jewish - Romanian heritage. Her face looked pure, innocent if you will, yet there was an aura that surrounded her; it was an aura of knowledge and age old wisdom, like a seasoned traveller returning home from a journey he knew well. High cheekbones were a gift from the Spaniard ancestors, giving Magdalena an elven appearance but they seemed harsh compared with the soft robin's egg blue of her almond shaped eyes.

She had been, for the ten years she had called Grenyác her home, working for one Mme Depardieu at the Depardieu lavender fields, some six miles out of the town centre to the south. Every morning at seven she cycled down to the fields, stopping at Pierre's bakery to receive her lunch - a salad baguette and in winter a chocolat chaud. At three she was allowed to return home although she stayed many a time, often until six, to help with any unfinished business. After work she usually headed straight to the town centre, to the safe haven of the second hand bookshop, run by the infamous Monsieur Rousseau; awkward and vicious towards newcomers but warmhearted and pleasant towards Magdalena - a valued customer and friend. Very often she would carry, heading down the cobbled alleyways to the café which held live music in the basement. Other times she simply found a cosy nook in her apartment and read - her safety net.

She lived alone. It was not that she was an orphan, not at all; her mother, Rosamaria, had sent the her, at seven years old, to find solace with her Aunt in Nice; Rosamaria couldn't keep a family intact following her lover's death. Three years later Aunt Josephine passed away, leaving Magdalena quite alone to find her way in the world.

She possessed neither great materialistic wealth nor power, large groups of companions or formal schooling, but then again she didn't need to; she lived her seemingly, quiet life within the confines of the town walls. She had little duty to her family and relatives; writing to her brother Artemis every so often was the extent to which she stretched. To onlookers her life appeared simple, easygoing and carefree.

It was a Friday. She was perusing the shelves of the bookshop. The steady even count of Monsieur Rousseau prowling behind an unsuspecting tourist matched that of her heartbeat. She felt restless; Dickens, Rimbaud and Colette stared out at her accusingly - 'Why aren't you picking us up?' It had been years since she had opened the envelope that adorned the windowsill; it brought back memories.

Monsieur Rousseau hobbled through the doorframe, cursing under his breath, snatched up an English phrasebook and returned from whence he came. She stared at the shelves blankly, a mist crossing her view - lost in her own tortured thoughts. 'Why did it have to happen like that? Was it fate?'

A hand was gently placed on the back of her shoulder, starting her from the mists of her mind back onto earth.

"Est - ce que ... er...aider tu...um...ple

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10 ANSWERS


  1. To much detail.The reader will get bored. Get to plot a little quicker. Your terminology is good. Not brilliant but good.


  2. Well, I think the first sentence can do without the amendment via semi-colon (“because she found the surrounding…”).  Just that first part of the sentence would be a good intro because it makes the reader wonder why, and want to continue on.  The secondary part can be added later on in the story, if you wish.

    The following sentences, with all of the details, seem a bit too much to me.  It’s hard to process all at once.  Try to integrate those details more with actions.  For example, show her running a hand through her hair, and use that to take the opportunity to describe what her hair looks like.  Have her walk by the bookshelf and have her notice what it looks like.  Give us action instead of pure exposition.  Also, avoid passive voice when there is an action.  (“A hand was gently placed on the back of her shoulder…”)

    On the positive side though, great way of wording things!  In most parts, it flows pretty well.


  3. I think it is very good.  It needs some editing and polishing.  Think about simplifying some of the language.  However I think you are evoking a great atmosphere, and it also makes me want to find out more.  Keep going!

  4. I've paid for worse.

    Actually, if I was marking GCSE coursework and found this among my pile, I would be very pleasantly surprised. There's some minor errors, mainly to do with punctuation, which would be easily fixed. Although your style is a little dry for my taste, the truth is that there is a good market for fiction like this (Secret Garden - (big hit, but I hated it and forgot the author within ten minutes of abandoning the third chapter).

    I was interested to note that most of the comments you have attracted seem to criticise different elements of your prose, which suggests to me that each criticism is based on the persons individual taste, rather than an underlying fault in your work.

    If you can learn to edit your work (better still, find an editor to do it for you,) and you consistently write at that level or above, then you might be able to make a living at this. (Be warned- I say MIGHT. I've been doing it for seven years, and I still have a second job to pay the bills, although hopefully that's about to change . . .)

    Work hard, get used to rejection, and make sure that you're doing it for the love of it.

    Good luck.

  5. one word: wow

    you're something special x

  6. Well- I think it's amazing! I don't have any bad feedback...I think it could definitely be published!!!

    Well done :)


  7. Send me a copy when finished, great minds think alike.

  8. Your good just develop your own style a bit more because I can see allot of influences from other writing styles in there ...that's not a bad thing but yeah you will be fine :)

  9. I like it, although it does begin slightly as so many others do but perhaps this is a good thing as you need to start somewhere, then it broadens into what begins to pull at the imagination and holds your attention as to who where a what is about to unfold.

    Yes I like it.  

  10. You obviously have a talent...but since you asked for criticism I'll give it. I am being picky...but that will only help you. First...the use of the word "reside" ...the first time you use it it is not necessary..."lived" would have been better. It's always best to choose the simplest word. Then shortly after this you describe books "residing" everywhere...which is bad for two reasons...first, you have just used the word...and second books can't reside. They can "be"...far better to say.."there were books everywhere".

    My next criticism is that you explain far too much about her surroundings and not enough about her...the reader needs to have their interest piqued...they want to know who SHE is...what she is about..what does she want? If you go into such lengthy explanations about her home then it becomes like reading an estate agents brochure!

    You need to get to the action at the start...the reader needs to be curious...character is shown through ACTION....DOING....and it is these thigs which make people want to read.

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