I believe myself to be a narcissist - in the clinical sense of narcissistic personality disorder - and am, hopefully, not far off getting a medical diagnosis. I have caused deep mental anguish to a now former friend, who is wisely cutting me out of her life; I have little or no respect for privacy; I experience feelings of guilt and remorse only fleetingly; I experience feelings of self-pity and self-loathing (same thing?) more or less constantly; I have told outrageous lies and, when confronted, have attempted to rationalize my falsehoods, have flown into a towering rage and have accused my accusers of all manner of disgusting traits, most of which I seem to exhibit myself (parasitical behavior, paranoia, sense of superority). I honestly can't objectively say if I have always been this way.
I still have friends. Some of them have only briefly and tangetically been affected by my actions; some of them are still utterly untouched by them. I honestly do believe that I care for them beyond their being sources of validation. I don't want to harm them. I am nonviolent and believe my capacity for violence to be very small indeed, but I am certainly capable of making someone feel small, hurt and betrayed.
Do I maintain these friendships and try to treat them with respect, or is it impossible for me to understand respect? Do I explain my insanity and suggest that they would be better off without, or is that only asking for sympathy? Do I cut off all contact without a word, or is that more hurtful in the long run?
Open and hostile mockery will be accepted as an answer, as it may be good for the soul.
Tags: