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Can I please have your opinions? (On my first chapter)?

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1.

‘Is this some kind of sick joke?’ asked Kane, noticing the uniform on his bed. He turned around sharply to glare accusingly at Roy. ‘I’m not going to school!’

Chuckling, Roy stuffed his hands in his pockets and walked out of the room. ‘You can tell that to Daniel yourself,’ he retorted cheerfully. ‘I’m not getting involved in your petty little fight.’

‘Daniel!’ roared Kane. ‘What the h**l is the meaning of this?’ The creaky floorboards moaned noisily as he stormed into the living room.

‘Kane Equinox, how dare you talk to me in that manner,’ said Daniel, ‘while I’m drinking tea.’ Resting his feet on the oaken coffee table while stirring his chamomile tea, Daniel seemed perfectly relaxed and unperturbed by the fuming teenage vampire in front of him.

‘There are humans in school.’ Seething, Kane clenched his fists and tried to resist the strong urge to kill. ‘Are you stupid? Or just sadistic?’

‘It’s about time that you learned to control yourself,’ Daniel replied. ‘And going to school is the perfect way for you to-’

‘What if I can’t? What if I lose control?’

‘Then Roy will know instantly and he’ll bring you back home.’

‘Wait a minute,’ said Roy suddenly. He had been leaning near the doorway, listening to their conversation. ‘I don’t want to be responsible if this…leech loses control.’

‘Who the h**l are you calling a leech, freak?’

‘You idiot, you’re the only vampire in here.’

‘That’s it!’ His crimson eyes gleaming maniacally, Kane leaped from across the room and landed on Roy, aiming for his throat. In less than a second, he had the older boy pinned under him. Kane dived towards Roy’s throat when all of a sudden; Daniel appeared behind him and shoved Kane roughly onto the floor with seemingly no effort at all.

Holding Kane in a headlock, Daniel sighed as he noticed a small cut on Roy’s neck. As he opened his mouth to say something, he was instantly interrupted by a lively, disembodied voice. ‘That was awesome! Kane was so fast, I was afraid that if I blinked I’d miss the whole thing!’

‘Shut up Marcus,’ Daniel told the house. It was quite troublesome living in a breathing house, there was absolutely no privacy since you could never tell which room it was looking in. On top of that, Marcus was incredibly curious about vampires and loved to see Kane in action. ‘Roy, are you alright?’

‘Of course he’s alright!’ said Marcus. ‘Kane barely did anything, but it was still so…cool!’ They heard him sigh contentedly.

‘Go mow the lawn and warm the baths,’ snapped Daniel.

‘Fine,’ Marcus snapped back. ‘Not like I’m missing anything else, anyway.’

‘Its fine it’s just a small cut,’ Roy assured him as soon as Marcus’ angry mutters faded away. A drop of blood trickled down his neck and Kane instantly recoiled. So that was what an esper’s blood smelled like – nothing like an ordinary human’s. Disgusted, Kane noted to himself never to bite or drink the blood of a creature that wasn’t an ordinary human.

Daniel walked over to him, pulling Kane along by his arm. ‘I’m not apologizing.’ Kane scowled. Sighing again, Daniel placed an arm on each of them before saying somberly, ‘You both better learn to live with each other because chances are you’ll end up dying together.’

‘What on earth do you mean by that?’ asked Roy, appalled.

‘I honestly don’t know…,’ he said thoughtfully before slamming their heads together.

‘Ouch!’

‘Just get your act together. You’re going to school, Kane, whether you like it or not. And Roy, you’re going to keep an eye on him. If Kane loses control, you rescue him.’

‘I refuse to.’

‘Don’t you have faith in your own skills, Roy? What sort of esper are you?’

‘Don’t belittle me, Wolfram,’ snapped Roy before adding, ‘I’m one of the best espers in the entire force.’

‘I don’t need either of you to help me learn how to control myself. ’ Kane grabbed his uniform and left the room, slamming the door behind him.

Roy folded his arms, staring at the doorway. Was it really safe to send him to school? What if something really did happen? Leaving an ill-tempered vampire in a building of humans for eight hours was like playing with fire.

‘Why didn’t you stop him?’ Daniel’s deep voice disrupted his thoughts. ‘With your…skills, you could have easily pushed him off.’ Roy said nothing, though his silence was answer enough – he had been testing Kane.

‘He’ll never learn to control himself,’ continued Daniel.

‘Unless…he falls in love with a human,’ said Roy after a long pause.

Comprehension dawning on his face, Daniel murmured, ‘Love conquers all.’

‘Touché.’

Satisfied, Daniel lifted his cup off the coffee table and drank it down in one gulp. His shirt was unbuttoned, revealing a muscular and tanned physique. Roy knowingly glanced the other way as the tea Daniel had just drank poured right down his throat and spilled out between his legs, marking the carpet with a wet brown stain. ‘Must be terrible being a zombie,’ mused Roy.

‘At least my first name isn’t Pistachio.’

--

I know that I should have described the surroundings more but I felt that it would take up too much space and ruin the flow of the story.

I think you've guessed that Pistachio Roy is an esper. He's around 18 years old (Kane is 16). His skills are the usual skills of an esper - communicating by mind, slight mind control and he can move things just by thinking it.

Daniel Wolfram is a zombie - he was a powerful wizard when he was alive, I'll go into that in the next chapters. When he was a wizard, he defeated an evil warlock. That warlock is Marcus, who now has to obey Daniel's every command. Marcus isn't evil anymore - just annoying.

I've done about 5 chapters (3 A4 pgs per chapter). If you liked this, star it and if you want to read the next chapter than just tell me and I'll send it to you. I don't mind as long as you give me an honest critique. I'm trying to improve my writing. Thnx!

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6 ANSWERS


  1. It has too many back stories. I does has mystery to it which is good for suspense. I think a little more description on the characters themselves will make it more interesting.


  2. I thought it was very....unusual, but not in a bad way! It was different, which I think is great, I'm not sure who Daniel is or who Roy is. Are they big brothers or just people to look after Kane?? Other than that it was a great first part of your book!! Hope it gets published!

  3. Aside from the comments given on the story line I offer the following:

    1. Use quotation marks--not apostrophes--to set apart dialog.

    2. Avoid inserting adverbs in your tags. They drag down the action for the reader. Any word ending with -ly constitutes an adverb. Such words I call "adverblys" to remind me not to use them. Consider using action sentences instead of tags before the dialog to describe the moment.

    3.  Brush up on your rules of punctuation. This is a weak area for you to overcome.

  4. I do not have time to give this a thorough critique.  To be honest the story line is pretty boring and way, way too many unnecessary paragraphs.

  5. like before i'm already hooked hehe :)

  6. I emailed you my answer since yahoo took way too many coffee breaks while I tried to answer your question. Tell me if you didn't get the email.

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