Can I tell my husband no s*x? And if he doesn't listen is that still assult?

Question

My husband and I have been married for 8 years with 3 beautiful children. The marriage itself is very strained and we dont really like each other that much. I am a survivor of sexual abuse and cant bring myself to sleep with somone I dont want to without it feeling a little to close to my past. I told him no s*x. That I just couldnt. He agreed (unhappily). But now and again, I wake up and he is innappropriatly touching me. And the other night I woke up and he was manually inside me. Now I cant wrap my head around how I feel. I feel violated and scared. but he IS my hhusband, and we HAVEN'T done anything for a long time, but im really messed up. Am I making a bigger deal out of this, or was that assult, even tho he is my husband? help!!

Answer 1

You should be thankful to have a husband who finds you attractive, s**y, and wanted to have children with you. When you married you made a vow to him that you are obligated to keep.

The responsibility is up to you to take care of any past feelings you have. Let him know you need some time (set a resonable amount) and go to a pastor for counceling.

I really think if your past experience is bothering you this much the only way to cleanse it is through prayer and (if you havent already) learning what Jesus Christ did for you.  

Answer 2

i don't get why you would still be sleeping in the same bed as him in the first place.  i'm sure i'm not the only wife/so out there that woke up and their hubby's are doing their thing though.  i can understand why you would tell him no s*x cuz you aren't happy, but on the other hand, if he were to cheat on you, then for him it is a total no win situation.  you do whatever you need to do, cuz in my personal opinion he didn't do anything wrong.  he was trying to have s*x with his wife.  i've told my hubby no before but he can be very persuasive.  not in a bad way, but just well you know...

Answer 3

That is your husband and you admit you haven't done anything in a long time that man has needs you need to be thanking god that he hasn't cheated on you there are women who are married and have s*x with there husbands and they go out of the marriage any way. Instead of putting all your energy into this incident you need to go get some help so you can start satisfying your husband again. Don't get me wrong I am not dismissing the fact that something tragic happened to you but you pushing your husband away is not going to change the past get some help.

Answer 4

What he is doing is wrong and it's also rape. He could be in a lot of trouble for this.

Also, why would you stay in a marriage without s*x? You decided not to have anymore and he's supposed to just go along with it?

Divorce him and let him move on if you don't want s*x anymore.

A normal functioning marriage includes a healthy s*x life.

I am also a survivor of abuse when I was a young child and had to overcome many issues. I even told my husband I didn't want it anymore. Things became worse but he never once did it to me without my permission. We went through counseling both together and alone, and I have overcome many issues. I suggest you check yourself into a regular therapy session by yourself and if he continually is doing things while you sleep, turn him in. It's not appropriate, even IF you have marital issues.  

Answer 5

I think it was wrong of him to do it anyway when you had told him no, but I also think you need to find a way to address your problem and come to terms with it. You can't just ban your husband from s*x, he has needs.

Answer 6

You need help! You can't expect your husband to go with making love to you! Get a good psychiatrist and get help before your marriage is over.

Answer 7

The reality is, the fact you want no s*x is YOUR PROBLEM.

I'm not saying he gets to rape you or whatever, but you married the guy, so it's YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to get help for your problem.

I have sympathy with your problem, but you have to 'own' that you are the one with a big problem here.

The end result is going to be your husband finding it elsewhere, and I don't think you want that.

s*x is a normal, loving thing two people who are in a relationship give each other, and enjoy with each other.

You can't expect to just say "no" and think he's not going to want to express his love for you in this way.

Answer 8

please get some professional help.  what he did was wrong.  

Answer 9

To quote my marriage counselor, "There can be s*x without marriage, but not marriage without s*x".  You need to get help or he will be gone before long.  Men cannot go without s*x forever.  It is not assault...it is deprivation on your part.  You probably both need to go your separate way anyway.

Answer 10

What he did was wrong in my opinion.  But more importantly I think you need some couselling to work on your intimacy issues.  

Answer 11

if you told your husband no to s*x and he had intercourse with you anyway thats marital rape...

because you didnt consent to it...

sounds like you both need to go to counseling to help you through the issues you have and to help the marriage and him to understand what youre going through..

Answer 12

sounds like you may be suffering from PTSD.  go to your doctor and see if you can get some help.

in my personal opinion, you cannot tell your husband "no" to s*x permanently.  here and there is okay - but for good?  naaa

Answer 13

The Wounded Heart Br Dr. Dan B Allendar

It sounds as if you haven't healed from the abuse. Start with yourself, get counseling for your pain. Hopefully then, you and hubby can continue and work thru your pain and your married pain together. Good Luck and God Bless

Answer 14

Yes if you say no and he does it anyway it is still rape or in my state gross sexual assault.  If he is touching you inappropriately that's gross sexual contact.  Being married to you this long obviously he knows about your past, and doesn't care as long as he gets off.  You both need counseling, and if its to late than end it.  Tell him the next time he has s*x with you or touches you and you say no, he will be dealing with the police.  Hope things get better for you.

Answer 15

It doesn't matter how long you have been married.  If a man forces s*x on you, it is assault or worse, rape.  A man who doesn't understand that their wanting s*x is not a necessity for a woman is a jerk.  If your husband implies he'll only stay if you give him s*x, decide if he's worth it.  

If you believe your marriage is worth saving then see a counselor.  If not, see a lawyer.  But whatever you do, write everything down.

Remember, always treat yourself fabulously!  

Answer 16

Ok i totally understand your situation and people who have not experienced this will not. All tho did you have those three children after the sexual abuse? If so what happened after that to make you not want s*x with your husband? But to answer your question if you say NO and he continues to have s*x with you yes it is sexual assault even if he is your husband every human being has a right to say no. No matter how long you have been with someone. Any form of s*x that is not wanted and that is expressed you don't want it is rape. Trust me i was in this situation and i thought there was nothing i could do to stop it but i talked to a woman's right advocate and she told me otherwise. I ended that marriage as soon as possible, i don't want to live in fear. I don't think anyone should have to be afraid especially afraid of someone you is supposed to love you. Don't be afraid hun, don't fear can eat you alive. You need to think towards the future and realize your here you have 3 beautiful kids who need you to be strong. I know it sounds easier said than done, but you have to try for them and pray nothing like that happens to them. but always remember you don't have to be in fear, if you live in fear its almost as if the abuser won. Don't let any man get the best of you. Hold your head high and say to yourself every morning in the mirror i am here, i am brave, i am strong ,and i am beautiful. It will truly help.

Answer 17

You need to seek counseling for your past issues. He has needs and unless you're sick or it's that time you don't need to continually tell him no. I understand you not having s*x every single day but you can at least give him some 2-3 times a week. He would be dead wrong if he cheated on you wouldn't he? What do you expect him to do?

Answer 18

Yes, you have the right to say no, even to your husband.  Husbands have been convicted of rape.  But is this really how you want to handle this?  It seems you have two choices: Get counseling and try to work out a way to be happily married and meet both of your needs, or; get divorced.  Half a marriage isn't fair to either of you.

Answer 19

IT COURT IT WOULD NOT STAND UP BUT IF U SAY NO HE IS VIOLATING YOU,,LOOK ,SOUNDS LIKE YOUR MISERABLE IN YOUR MARRIAGE,,WHY NOT JUST DIVORCE HIM AND THEN HE CAN GO FIND HIM SOME ONE WHO DOSE INJOY HIS s*x,,AND YOU WIL B  A LOT HAPPIER TO,,PEACE

Answer 20

What he did was wrong.  Did he know you had these problems before you married him?  If not then you should have told him before you tied the knot.  I don't think I would press charges or anything like that if I were you, but you do need to sit down and have a very long talk with him.  Explain a little about your past and tell him how it makes you feel when he surprises you like this.  Tell him your falling out of love but are willing to work and make things right again, if that is what your wanting.  The next step is trying to satisfy your husband or coming to the conclusion that you can't.  Your husband is going to want s*x, and the truth is, if he can't get it from you at home he is going to go elsewhere soon.  If you can't satisfy his needs at least part of the time then you need to realize that for him the marriage is unfair.  You might want to talk to him and ask him if he can work with you on this, for at least a while until you overcome it to the point you can be with him again.  Maybe you should seek marriage counseling together, that way all problems are out in the open and the counselor can give you advice on what to do about it all.  Not to sound offensive, as I know you are a survivor of sexual abuse, but sooner or later your going to have to have s*x with him or he'll probably want a divorce.  It sounds like your not to happy with each other anyway, so maybe it's time to think about what you really want out of your marriage with him, if anything.