Can I un-RSVP?

Question

I RSVP'd to a wedding about a week ago. I rang today to ask about gift ideas, and the bride responded 'a lot of children are coming, and we'll place them near you and your gift can be making sure they don't disrupt the reception.'

I work in childcare, love kids- but spending a day of my weekend trying to rangle children high on cake is not my idea of a good time! I said that I'd much rather get her a real gift, but she said 'oh but if you dont take care of them, the seating will be messed up and their parents will let them run mad!' and basically went into bridezilla mode!

I really dont want to go anymore! Can I just mail them a toaster and a note and be done with it?

Answer 1

Just give them a call back and make up some sort of excuse. eg I double booked and had a prior engagement I forgot about etc.

I wouldn't want to go either

Answer 2

Call the bride right before the wedding and plead "stomach flu, sorry, hon, won't be able to make it".

Answer 3

I would call her and tell her I felt hurt because she is asking you to be a childcare provider at her wedding.  Then if she still feels that you should be childcare then tell her that under those circumstances you will not attend.  Wish her luck and then it is up to her if she calls and apologizes, if she doesn't call then she is not much of a friend.

When she invited her guest she knew that by inviting them they would have to either bring the children with them or find a babysitter.

A wedding is a time to spend with friends, relative and enjoy the free food, drinks etc.

Answer 4

OMG!  Won't these little brats have parents to control them!

Answer 5

remember to use tact but defiantly don't go.  It sounds like you got invited so that they would not have to pay someone else to do the job.  I would give them a cheep gift and leave it at that.

Answer 6

I feel you.. I work in a daycare myself. You should be able to enjoy the reception without holding down the fort. I would UN-RSVP tactfully, in this case a little white lie is perfectly acceptable. So shove the toaster and card in the mail and enjoy your weekend!

Answer 7

Why don't you call and be honest?  Tell her that you want to also enjoy the reception and will be unable to if you are watching all the children?  Then tell her that your gift to the couple will be to hire someone to watch the children and entertain them, this should be the perfect answer to both the problems.  I hope you have fun.

Answer 8

The bride should have really consulted you prior to the seating arrangements and asked if you wouldn’t mind taking the responsibility of looking after the kids. It should never have been assumed and trying to guilt you into it by saying ‘the seating will be messed up and their parents will let them run mad!'’ is just unfair to you and extremely rude.

Perhaps you could meet up for a coffee with her and give her ideas as someone who has experience with kids on how she can entertain the kids at the reception.  The idea of hiring a babysitter as your gift, as suggested by others here, is a great one, but even so, it’s not your obligation.

The truth is no matter what you say to un-rsvp she will know (or have a suspicion) the real reason, so it’s better to just be truthful and direct.  Stand firm and don’t let her guilt you into it. If it’s becomes too much of an issue that she blows it out of proportion about the messed up seating plans  just tell her that it’s best that you don’t attend and that she can give your seat away to a babysitter that  they can hire.

Don’t feel bad about it. She had no right to assume that you would ‘work’ on your weekend and for free!

When her bridezilla phase has worn off, I hope she will come to realise that what she did was unfair and rude to you. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

Answer 9

sorry but she dosnt so very nice at this point of time what if you give her other ideas you could ask one of your friends from your childcare center if they would like to child watch for the day and ask the bride if she would pay one for them to look after the kids just poiltely saying your would rather enjoy the day and there happiness and that weekends are your rest days and you have already bought them a gift if they persist just tell them you will not be attending if she is only going to use you as a baby sitter as it isnt fair... good luck!

Answer 10

So, basically the reason you're invited to this wedding is so the bride and groom will have a free babysitter. I'd definitely go with the toater and note idea. Don't even call the bride to inform her of your change in plans and don't let her try to guilt you into watching her guests' kids. If she didn't want children running around at her ceremony/reception, she should've hired someone to watch over them; not expect a GUEST to watch them for her.

Answer 11

That is horribly rude and tacky of her! Simply call back, and wish  her nuptials well, but tell her regretfully something has come up and you won't be able to attend.

Answer 12

I would call and say that you really would like to attend but not as a baby sitter.  Make it clear that while you would love to be part of the big day, you are not a baby sitter for hire.  tell her you're happy to bring a gift, but baby sitting wont be it - That's what parents are for.

If she spits the dummy and dis-invites you then you got what you wanted...  If she realises she's been rude, then you've solved the problem.  If she can't see what you're upset about, tell her that in that case, you couldn't possibly attend.  Send a card Un-RSVPing...

Answer 13

During my recent wedding, we planned the seating so every child was sitting on the table with their parents, (not so hard to do! and it was the preference of the parents in our case)

Most parents understand if they are bringing children to a wedding they are responsible for them, if the parents do not want to bring the children they will make other arrangements.

If this is not an option, for the bride, then either hire someone you trust to supervise them, (maybe someone from your own workplace would like some extra cash?)

Or send a gift and a note explaining your reasons for not attending.

but whatever you do do it soon so the bride can make other arrangements for Child care.

Answer 14

gosh! how rude

if they didnt want kids distrupting the reception, it should have bean an adults only affair

tell them that thanks for using you, but no thanks

Answer 15

gift is a price less piece to be given to a friend or a beloved to your choice not to their choice and it should be a reflection of love that you have in them. it is not a gift if it is not a surpraise.

Answer 16

....actually in your case, you are the gift, according to the bride.......so, honestly, your situation is very sticky, but at the same time you are being used for what they need from you "free hired help"rather than you being a true guest, .the incentive is not having to get a gift.....I wouldnt want to go either lol, but I am sure its not their intent to make you feel this way......one solution could be...do you know someone reliable that you can trust to sit in or rather "babysit in" for u? like a co-worker that u can pay for her services? you could call your friend a few days prior to the wedding and apologize for "being sick" for instance(which is a good one, because no one wants a sick person around their kids and if your sick its kinda crappy for anyone wanting you to work=D).....of course sound disappointed because you were so looking forward to being there  blah blah etc....and that since you cant do it....your gift to her is a replacement, who is this great co-worker.. etc, that you have set up  to  make sure kids dont disrupt her reception.and the seating will not get messed up..hope it works out, good luck

Answer 17

wow....i just read this and was just stunned! Its these types of brides that are the reasoning around the term "bridezilla".

It is not your job as a GUEST to babysit the kids. It is the parents jobs. If she doesnt want this, then have an adults only wedding. I am getting married soon....and we are having 4 kids at our wedding and these are the ones involved in the wedding party (and their siblings so no one is left out). These kids are all over 7 and their parents are at the reception. I have ALSO arranged a babysitting service at the resort where we are ... there is a kids centre, with videos, toys, pizza, playground, ball pit, video games, and of course, 2 baby sitters. We are covering that cost ourselves, and it is the parents option if they wish to use this service.

I would never ever think of asking a "guest" to baby sit at the wedding....let alone ASSUMING they would do it. I mean she didnt even ask you, did she? She had planned her wedding and seating around her idea, before she had even mentioned it to you. I am sorry, that is disgusting. You are not a friend to this woman. You are a service.

I would not go, even if she changes her mind. What she did was rude and disrespectful, and if she does change her mind its only because you mentioned something, and not because she truly regrets asking you. You are not a friend to her, so you should have no regrets in un-RSVPing. I even think you are being too nice with the toaster idea! I like the idea of someone above - ring up the morning of the wedding with the flu. But if you think thats too mean, then a toaster and a note will be fine. Make sure she understands why you are declining your invitation.

Answer 18

This is such a shame, and the bride is totally out of order assuming you would be doing this with the kids all the time.

I would ring her back and say that you could not possibly take care of all the children and if she wanted you to do that then she should have spoken to you first about it.

I would still go to the wedding, if you really want to, but make it clear that you wont spend all day running around after kids.

You are a guest after all and you have not been invited in your childcare capacity.

Answer 19

Recommend to the bride a children's reception.  I had a lot of children at my wedding too, and this is what I did.  The reception was in a hotel, and I used a conference room for the children.  I provided two babysitters, coloring books, DVD's, etc.  This allowed the adult guests to have an adult evening.  

If this is not an option, because you don't feel comfortable making this suggestion or because the bride doesn't agree to do it, then I would still come to the reception.  Bring a gift.  And do not make it your job to watch the kids, just because she asked -- you should enjoy yourself as any other guest.  Parents need to watch their own kids, and she needs to take up any issues with them.

Answer 20

I'm with you.  Send the toaster and the note, saying something has come up and you will be unable to attend.  You must let her know, so that she can make other childcare arrangements.

I would feel so used in this situation . . . thinking you were invited as a friend and a guest . . . and then learning you were really invited to be "used" for childcare.  If it were me, I would definitely be hurt . . . and would be backing away from this supposed "friendship."

Answer 21

Call her and ask how many children there will be.  Explain the reason you need to know is so that you can hire the proper amount of young babysitters to watch the children and ask if there is an area designated for them to play/any games, toys, etc.?  If not, suggest an area be created to keep them busy. This is your wedding gift and you want it to be done properly!

If she wonders why YOUR not doing it personally, in light hearted bridezilla voice say "you want to enjoy the wedding too, otherwise whats the point of going if it is just another day at work".   If she puts up a fuss, then you can say then you've changed your mind and decline the invitation.  Behave liking an adult, will force her to emulate you.