Can Someone Grade my SAT essay?

Question

"Champions aren't made in gyms. Champions are made from something they have deep inside them: A desire, a dream, a vision. They have to have last-minute stamina, they have to be a little fast, they have to have the skill and the will. But the will must be stronger than the skill." - Muhammad Ali

Assignment: If you want to become an expert in a certain field, do you need to have more talent or more motivation? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

Talent without hard work can get you nowhere in life. This applies to everything in life, whether it's baseball, football, a spelling bee, etc. Having talent can only get you so far; motivation will push you the rest of the way. I know this to be a fact because I see it all around me.

As a Tae Kwon Do fighter, I know first-hand that talent can only go so far. There are numerous Tae Kwon Do fighters. Many are talented and skilled, but only the best work hard. Those with only talent cannot reach their full potential. Only motivation, concentration, and hard work will allow them to reach it. There are many stories of great fighters who willingly persevered through every type of hardship imaginable to become the best of the best. However, it was only possible through motivation.

This same concept can be shown in academics, also. Having talent in fields such as mathematics, biology, English, etc., is helpful. Without motivation, there would be no point in studying. Yet, my friend, Jane Doe, who is incredibly talented in mathematics, refuses to study. Jane could be the strongest mathlete in her school, but she fails every math class she takes because she doesn't study. I have seen her talent in mental math; she adds four digit numbers effortlessly and efficiently. With a little motivation, Jane could go so far in the enormous realm of mathematics, but she doesn't have motivation, and therefore cannot reach her mathematical potential.

As one can see, one can only obtain a certain level of skill with talent. With motivation, concentration, and hard work, one can reach his/her full potential. This concept can be applied to all the aspects of life. So if one would prefer to be successful, he/she better have the motivation to do so.

Answer 1

This essay would at most be a 3.

It is terrible to use "you", "I", "me", or any pronouns like that in essays. Not just for SATs, but ever.

You used "etc." twice, and it should not be used if you can help it.

The first 3 paragraphs of your essay use "you", "I", "me" but at the last paragraph, you switched to saying "one" instead. This is inconsistency. And "one" is overused...it's in like every sentence and it sounds very redundant...especially with the added "he or she".

SAT essays like it when you focus on one specific point for your argument. Choose one specific incident or example that you would like to talk about to argue your thesis, and build on it throughout the essay. To argue your point, you chose to use personal experience as the example. Not the best way to do it. It is better to use literature or history to talk about. You also said in the second paragraph that "there are many stories of great fighters...." It would be much better if you chose one specific story about one specific fighter to talk about. This way, it is much more focused and clear what you're talking about. The way you wrote it is very vague.

In the introductory paragraph, your thesis is actually the second to last sentence. The thesis should almost always be the last sentence in the introduction paragraph. Now, the way you have written it, it seems that your last sentence is the point you're trying to argue.