Can You Give Me Your Opinions On My Poem?

Question

http://allpoetry.com/poem/4421879...

I just wrote it and may add two more stanza's to it.

The title is Her body is sinned/mind tainted/and heart corrupted

Tragedy strikes and they still look past her

Never noticing the scars on her heart.

Cuts go unnoticed and bruises scatter on her skin.

She screams but no sound comes out.

Shadows linger in the hallway.

Their coming for her they always do.

Sorry is a word she's never heard.

Pleasure is something she'll never feel.

She's an empty shell cracked open way too soon.

She hides her body in disgrace scared of what they might discover.

Questions echo in her mind as bodies lays on top of her.

Whispers surround her room as she cowers into the corner.

Her mind is tainted and her body covered with sins.

Innocence is departed and damage remains.

Please write more then one sentence

What Do You Think The Poem Is About ?

What You Think Of It?

What Do You Think Of The Title?

Answer 1

Sadness something horrible happened,and it keeps happening over and over again in her mind.I think its very moving.I think you have to do something with the title,my idea of the the title would be just Innocence Lost......Hugs.

Answer 2

Two main things - grammar and direction.

As far as grammatical stuff

their coming -> they're coming

bodies lays -> bodies lay

cowers into -> cowers in

Innocence is departed -> has departed or is departing

As far as direction... while this is very striking from an emotional standpoint, I can't help but think it could be sharpened in a few areas.

It seemed like you were telling a poetic narrative, after the first stanza. I think that's a really good way to present this, both mechanically and poeticaly. The idea that at the beginning she is innocent and whole, and at the end she... well, isn't. To that end, I would say to put the second stanza first, or words to that effect. If this is something that happens repeatedly, then say so later, to heighten the emotional impact. I'd say that the first stanza could go at the end, as it states the damage that this incurs. Rather than start the narrative saying what's going to happen, sum it up at the end so the reader gets a glimpse of what the after-effects are.

I'm not wild about the title. I'm not even really sure what the title is.

This poem is pretty evocative, but I'd spend more time describing the action (in an oblique way, preferably, perhaps with metaphor or whatnot. leave it to the reader's mind to conjure the worst of what happens) than interspersing comments about how she's ruined for life. We know she's pretty effed up by the experience - heighten the emotional impact by making it more immediate and more meaningful to the reader, and talk about other stuff later.

Saul

Answer 3

Wow.  This poem really means a lot! You have really encouraged me that Why can't our life be silent, when you have something to say.  Thank you.  This is an Amazing Poem!

Answer 4

I think you trying to convey what i once did:

Her guilt is heavier than her scorn.

A mind at work,

Soul unborn!

----DJ

Answer 5

One word 'wow'

Answer 6

Sounds like it's about someone in a nut house. A suicidal someone at that. Nice emo poem.

Answer 7

i think this poem is great, specially if it was originally made by you. apparently it talks much about this tragendy, perhaps something happened to her past? but then, you expressed it perfectly. and i sense regrets with this poem, full of sad emotions.

as for the title, try "sinned soul" :)

keep up the good work, oh and try to concentrate your creativity in something fun, so the readers won't feel that same sorrow the poem covers :)

peace.. :)