Can You Please Critique My Poem? ?

Question

Title---You Only Say You Love Me When You're Drunk

Sober for three long days but it'd never last

Another liqueur binge he'll stumble into.

He'll walk pass her another time with hollow eyes

Words leaking from the corners of his mouth,

In a sober state he throws vicious words and shoot daggers of hatred from his eyes.

Her shield is up but they wiggle through cracks and leave burns upon her heart tearing her down piece by piece.

With a bottle to his lips his sober thoughts turn to drunken words

Vodka shots of alcoholic truth serums cause loose inhibitions.

It is not done yet and i wrote it for a contest that gave me the title as a prompt.

What is the best line?

Answer 1

I really like it. A lot.

I think that the title should be something like "A Wooden Shield Against Diamond Daggers" or something. I think something like that because the girl tries to be strong but the guy's words still get to her and she almost always loses the fight. So her heart or mind would be the wooden shield and he would be the diamond daggers [or knives or bullets or something] but I still think diamond because it's the hardest substance in the world.

My absolute favorite line is the very last. "Vodka shots of alcoholic truth serums cause loose inhibitions." Wow. That's amazing.

Although you say it's not done yet, I believe it is. That last line kind of completes it. Unless you want it to have a happy ending or a more tragic one, I say leave it as it is.

Well, I think your poem's awesome and I hope this helps. [:

Answer 2

I think its very very good. You should title it "Broken Glass", I love the line "Words leaking from the corner of his mouth" It seems so literal yet has many deeper meanings. I love it