Can a 47 year old man, set in his ways change for the better

Question

Besides being a kind, caring, loving, considerate and respectful individual, he is quite negative about life in general, anxious, shy about meeting my family and friends (I often feel disappointed by this) and will always avoid any situation that might cause stress or misery. If someone has been like this for most of their life, is there any hope?

I tell him he's not giving himself the opportunity to live and experience all the good things that life can bring as he always puts a barrier in front of him. It's such a shame as it could ultimately end our relationship which really hurts me. I'm a lot younger (27) and have suffered with depression to the point I wanted to die, but I have battled it (and still do some times) and choose to be more positive and optimistic about life. It's not like he's had a bad life, he is just TOO sensitive about other people's suffering. I am a sensitive individual too but not to the point that ot controls what I do and don't do in life. I would have thought he was wiser but I don't agree. We are very much in love but I know I can't change him.

Any opinions would be interesting. Thanks :) X

Answer 1

yes but only if he wants to himself

Answer 2

When you allow yourself to fall in love with someone and have a relationship, there has to be respect and acceptance for that persons character.  No one should assume that they are capable of changing another person to enhance the relationship.

I don't accept that this person is "shy" or "too sensitive", I would be concerned that this person is insecure, controlling and his negative attitude about life is harming you and your ability to experience a "healthy balanced life" with others including your family.  Review this man's background; has he ever extended himself to another person or child in a long term relationship and/or does he selfishly pleasure himself by surrounding himself with material "things" pretending to be successful?  If any of this is true, you are an object that he wants to own and he is incapable of offering you a healthy loving relationship.

You sound like you have had healthy relationships with others and family and you know the indifference that you are experiencing with this man.  You are right to want a positive and optimistic attitude about life. You should not have to give up the values and personal interests that are meaningful in your life.  Please talk to someone close to you about this relationship, chances are your family has noticed that you have distanced yourself from them and yet they feel they should be respectful of your decisions.  I'm sure your family missses you terribly. The last thing you need is to have this man's negative behavior to become "your life style".

These type of relationships are how we learn what is meaningful in our own lives.  Many of us have experienced symptoms in a relationship that we disregard because we have invested time into the relationship and fear failure, but utimately these symptoms get worse. As hard as it is to do, you have to be true to yourself first and it is your responsibility to be accountable to "you".  Loving someone should make you feel better, your best........it should never make you feel worse and negative about life.

My own daughter is presently in a relationship like your's, if I didn't know better I'd think you were her reaching out for help. She has altered her own life for a man that is changing her character, she

was always a loving, adorable person that devoted her life to her family her animals and was a very secure person. Now she behaves distant and uncaring and it hurts me and our family terribly that such a beautiful person can be dominated by a man and torment her good nature. I can only pray that like you, she questions and listens to these answers and decides to break away from this man who is harming her.  My daughters relationship with this man began when she had recently broken up with a man she loved and I know that she's afraid of another failed relationship, but she deserves so much better than this and she'll never find what she needs while she's in this present relationship. I miss my beautiful daughter, her ways were always so very special........  

Answer 3

I am sorry to say this but he could be making your depression worse. You may love him but I don't think he will change. If he wanted to change then he would have done so by now.

Just one point of thought though....depression from you could be rubbing off on him making him negative about life in general, particularly if you are.????

Answer 4

dk

Answer 5

Anyone who truly wants to change will change. In my experience few choose to change. Most men settle into who they are by their 30's. It is unrealistic to expect a man to change who they are or how they see the world.

You are young, and I applaud your battle with depression and your unwillingness to let it overtake your life. Please don't let someone else's negativity and depression take that away from you.

Perhaps it is time for you to leave the comfort of a broken man, in search of a healthy you. We must be careful to surround ourselves with people who we lift up and who lift us up as well. Don't sell yourself short, you deserve every happiness in the world. Just because things have been hard so far does not mean they have to remain so. Sometimes you must make tough decisions and give yourself over to patience in order to find the path that most becomes you.

Good luck, stay strong.

Answer 6

nope it will never happen....

Answer 7

people can change if they want to change. but that's the trick, they have to want to be different and then make the differences become themselves

Answer 8

Unless & Until the person shows interest in changing himself, you can do nothing. You have tried your best and now he should be giving his best.

Answer 9

Honestly, I don't think that you are going to change him.  You are too young.  I also think that a 20 yr age difference is too much.  You see him as a father figure, and he sees you as a daughter figure but because you aren't father and daughter, its okay for you to be intimate.  So it makes both of you think that you should have a loving relationship.  Whats going to happen when he is ready to retire and you still have to work for another 20 yrs.  Any way, that's my opinion.  

Answer 10

Only if he wants something bad enough will he change for it and thats at any age i believe

Answer 11

No matter what you do or how good are your intentions you cant change a persons personality.

Answer 12

I believe anyone has the capacity to change for the better (or worse, unfortunately!). But, as the old cliche goes 'they have to want to change, themselves'.

Sorry, going to bore you a bit with my story!

He actually sounds a lot like me, I'm anxious, nervous and somewhat shy. I've missed out on a lot of 'living', as you say your boyfriend/husband is; because I get so anxious. It has meant I've avoided a LOT of situations where if I'd just let go, I'd have had a lot of fun. For myself, I was constantly on an adrenaline rush (fight or flight response......always flight!), from the moment I woke up to when I got to bed............it's exhausting.

I only started doing something about it because I realised how much time I'd wasted worrying and not doing. I hit rock bottom and was mildly agoraphobic (I know that sounds strange, because you either are or aren't), only going out for necessity, so it was me that made the decision to do something, despite having a lot of 'nudging' and criticism from family and friends...........THAT just doesn't help it just makes you more anxious.  

It's very frustrating when the people that love you don't understand why your not out there making the most of things  When I finally told them why I avoided situations they left me alone! What people don't realise; however irrational it seems to them, it's incredibly frightening if you are that way.........and the road to recovery is also frightening, because you have to push yourself, it also does take time and commitment. But I guess you already know about that yourself, through your own experiences.  

All I can suggest you do, (from having my own experience), is talk to him (your someone he trusts) about what it is that 'stops' him, more importantly LISTEN! It's very 'cathartic' to get it all out, however odd it sounds to the listener. Then, let him 'find the light' himself. It sounds like your not pushing him now.........which means you care a great deal for him. If it's putting your relationship under strain however, that's a different story.........which I have no experience of! But he needs to know that it's making your life awkward, because it's essentially making YOU stop doing things too, particulary with him.

Try and understand how he feels, and how situations make him anxious and be supportive, tell him you're always there while he's experiencing the anxiety, without judgment or criticism. If he loves you as much as you clearly love him, he will want to change for you and realise it means needing and wanting to change for himself.

I've tried loads of different methods to combat this, including going it alone by just pushing myself (failed miserably!), but the one that has truly made a difference........so far(!), is the Linden Method http://www.thelindenmethod.co.uk/ but I think each individual has to find one that works for them.

I don't know if what I've said sounds familiar to you, but your question sounded familiar to me!..........so apologies if I've presumed too much about the situation.

I hope everything turns out ok

Good luck : )

Answer 13

personally I would not waste anymore time on him.  He has his reasons for not wanting to meet your family.  I would fear that it may be a control issue thing that could lead future abuse.  

Answer 14

Why would you want to change him ????

A kind, caring, loving, considerate and respectful individual.  What more do you need?  This is a rare individual indeed.

These kinds of people are naturally going to be shy around people.  Especially, in this world full of mean, uncaring, hating, inconsiderate and disrespectful people.

Your friend will come along, if you just understand the situation.  The last thing he needs, is others putting on the "I'm superior" act and pretending they have all the answers to a problem he is fully capable of handling on his own.

You seem to have your cake and want to eat it too.

Anyway, you seem to have quite a catch there.  Why are you in such a hurry to change it?

Answer 15

You might coax him to act differently -- for a while -- but I doubt just words will affect any real change.  He may have depression or minor anxiety disorder.  He should consult a doctor; light medication may help.

Answer 16

I too was in a relationship with a man who was a very negative solitary person.  I loved him and tried to make light of the fact that he didn't want to meet with friends or family, but in the end our relationship ended.  I don't think you can change someone like this as like you said they are very set in their ways.  I too have suffered with depression but view myself as an optimist.  I am now on my own but have no doubts that parting was the right thing to do.  Hope this helps!