Can a stay at home mom and wife give me advice about joint account with husband?

Question

My husband and I have been together for 3 years and married for 6 months. We have a beautiful 15 month baby boy. My husband told me that he wants to keep his account, the main account, all his own because of his last marriage and theft issues. He also said that maybe we'll open a separate account later. Now he does have a few controlling behaviors, but this is becoming the worst one, money. I am really starting to think that I am paying for what happened in his past, which I feel is unfair and hurtful. He says that he trusts me, but I do not see it that way. I am not one to spend money unwisely and he knows that. He said that he will give me money weekly and I think that I have every right as his wife and the mother his child to know how much money we have and what bills are being paid. I feel that this is going to cause big problems in our marriage and I am beginning to not trust him. I know he loves me, but with love there should be trust. He is set in his ways and doesn't want me to bring it up again. Someone please give me advice.

Answer 1

I am a stay at home mom and have been for 8 years. For me, having one person do bills alone does not work.I have always done the bills alone. I ask him if he wants to see the bank account and bills to see where the money is going and he never did. We have always had a joint account and as long as bills were paid on time, he never cared about anything else. I would say most problems in a marriage is about money, so to avoid that talk to him. Let him know that this is a new relationship and what did and didn't work before isn't the same with you. Sit down together and look at bills and the income coming in. I know that little controlling things like this might be a bigger problem down the line, so talk now before it gets worse. You two are married now and need to deal with things together. You have the right to know the money situation even if you aren't working. good luck.

Answer 2

People have to pay for the past of their partners all the time.

Its their past that made them the person you love.

So it is fair that you have to pay for his past.

No you do not have a "RIGHT" to know how much money you have or what bills are being paid.

If it was your right banks would give you that information freely, but they do not.

Answer 3

Sorry, but as soon as you get married, funds need to be 50-50. Yes, he works at a job, but, you also work at home. A marriage should be 50-50. I would refuse to take this any longer. I would suggest couple's counseling for the two of you, because it sounds like he has serious trust issues. Sure, he has been hurt in the past, but you shouldn't pay for someone else's mistakes. Also, most banks allow you to set it up so no more than, say, $200 can be withdrawn or transferred without a security code. Look into that, and see if that is an option for you. That way, you can have access to the account, but he'll feel safe knowing you can't withdraw thousands of dollars without telling him. Or, look into an identity theft system, which will alert the account holder if something more than a certain amount has been purchased with the account. Either way, this guy has a serious issue. You should not cowtow to his issues any longer.

Answer 4

I am a stay at home mom. My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years. I have a 4 year old stepdaughter and a 16 year old stepdaughter who lives with us. When you say "I Do" you becomes us and yours and mine becomes ours. It is very unfair that he allows his past to interfere with your marriage. If you don't trust him then you are not being fair to yourself. Money is one of the main causes of divorce. Try talking to him and tell him you are not a child who gets a weekly allowance, you are his wife and mother of his child. You may even want to seek a marriage counselor (my parents did and they have been happily married or over 25 years). If you don't work towards a resolution now it could get worse.

Answer 5

Unfortunately, it does sound like you're dealing with baggage from his previous marriage.  Maybe you could compromise by setting up a joint account (or an account just for you) where he puts a certain amount monthly to pay for bills and household expenses, while having his own account to "protect" himself against whatever crazy spending of savings happened with his ex.  Maybe you could have a joint checking account for household expenses and bills, and a joint savings account you both agree not to touch without agreeing to.  In the long run, you ought to have shared accounts, and marriage counseling may be required.  And, as others have noted, there is no excuse for the financial records to not be open to both of you.

Answer 6

I think that is a problem too.  Trust is a very important part of a marriage.  You and he need to have a serious discussion about this.

Answer 7

When my husband & I first got married, he was the same way.  He had been burned by his ex, when she left there was no money in their joint account and all of their bill were several months past due.  My first step was to help with his financial situation by getting the past due bills all paid and then even though I was the stay at home person at the time, I had better credit, so I added him to my credit cards.  When it came time to re-establish a banking account, he had no problem having a joint account with me.

Answer 8

Even if he continues to give you weekly money rather than have a joint account (take things one step at a time) he should not be hiding anything from you - like the amount of money he earns and the amount he spends on bills and everything else for that matter. If it was me i would not put up with it - i understand he has issues with the ex but that should not mean he keeps you in the dark about the finances. I suggest that you ask him if he will go to counselling with you - this needs to be sorted out as he is holding onto issues from the past that will damage the relationship you have together. If the counselling is sucessful then hopefully he will allow you to have a joint account.

Answer 9

I could not tolerate being punished for other people's crimes.

Tell this man that marriage is a PARTNERSHIP and he must learn to trust you or he can hit the road.

Counseling may help but you must stick up for yourself.

Good luck.