Can an Adoptee Grow up Happy and Well Adjusted?

Question

Yet still feel a deep yearning to know the truth of their origins?

I did. I have a very loving and close adoptive family, yet people tell me I must be 'weak' or 'had a bad adoption experience' which couldn't be further from the truth.

I was just wondering why people feel the need to pathologize and ridicule adoptees who want to know the truth of their origins, just because perhaps they don't? (which, of course, is a choice they are entitled to)

Answer 1

Firstly, this response makes little sense to me:

"What gets me is that knowing your origins does not give you a happy childhood or a happy life."

This answer assumes the very assumption the asker is stating is incorrect.  It assumes that the adoptee has an unhappy life or an unhappy childhood.  

People are so easily threatened.  It is a common and normal desire to know the people from whom you came.  This is entirely separate from one's happiness or lack of, and entirely separate from one's relationship with his or her adoptive parents.

Answer 2

I'm really sorry that you have this kind of reaction from people. I have a couple of cousins who are adopted and I feel so lucky to have them in our lives. I can't imagine our family without them!!

What gets me is that knowing your origins does not give you a happy childhood or a happy life -- having a loving family and good upbringing does that. I know TONNES of people who lived with their biological parents from the beginning and are miserable because of it. Do we question them????

Answer 3

No. Absolutely not.  All adoptees are MESSED UP.  Just kidding.

Of course adoptees can grow up happy and well adjusted.  Some search, some do not. and all have the potential to be "normal."   I have acatually found that people pathologized "it" or me more when I did NOT want to search.  They couldn't figure out how I wasn't curious and why I wouldn't want to find my "real" mom.  

Now that I do want to search, people think it is pretty great. I have found an incredible amount of support...almost too much.  It is like Oprah coming to town to reunite the grieving mother with her long lost daughter.  The hoopla over this kind of disturbs me to be honest.  

So, what I am saying is that the labeling really goes both ways.  People make judgements based on their own experiences. It is just an unfortunate part of life.

Answer 4

Yes, and I am proof of that....you are too.  There are happy adoptees who choose to find their biological parents, and those who don't.  Neither choice is right or wrong because it's such a personal thing.

Answer 5

Good question Heather.

I am happy, and well-adjusted.  I am also quite often labeled as angry, maladjusted, etc., because I choose to speak out about the issues surrounding adoption.

But really, what is the definition of well-adjusted?  It is someone who is sure of him/herself and is confident in her beliefs and is willing to stand up for what she believes in.  Because I AM so well-adjusted, I DO stand up for what I beleive is right...and that just happens to include speaking up against what is wrong with the adoption industry.  

Having the guts to be angry about what was done to me and my mother makes me quite well-adjusted, thanks very much!

Answer 6

Yes, of course.

My youngest adoptive brother (my aparents youngest bio child), when told of my search, asked "why does he want to do that?"  Mind you, he's 31.  

I think the need to pathologize comes from society's need to believe that adoption is NO DIFFERENT than birth.  If the adoptee is searching, something must have gone wrong in the adoption.  If society were more able to accept that adoption is a different way to form a family, then it would be more open to very normal desire of adoptees to search.

Answer 7

I have grew up happy and adjusted. It doesnt mean that I cant have happy and adjusted AND want to find out about my origins at the same time.

I found out alot of things from my birth mother. I was glad I did it and I dont regret it. I dont have a relationship with her, I have an aquaintence with her and thats it. That is because I chose to have that. She hasnt earned the right to be my mother and she will never replace my mother. Thats how it is for me.

Answer 8

Yes, this is very common. Which is why open adoptions are becoming more and more popular.

Answer 9

"I was just wondering why people feel the need to pathologize and ridicule adoptees.."

Ridicule is used to seperate people.  We seperate ourselves from searching adoptees because they remind us of things "better left alone."

Answer 10

CruzGirl hit it on the head . . .

when you don't want to search, people just can't believe it!  EGADS!  How could you not want to know!

easy, some people just don't care, plain and simple.  

and cruz is completely correct that the labeling goes both ways -- if you don't want to search, you're in denial; if you're against the privacy violations that occur during the search process, then you're angry.

Answer 11

Yep. I think many do.  Sometimes I think it is a defense mechanism.  Sometimes its the loyalty to the adoptive parents.  I know my brother in law feels that.

Answer 12

yes, can be adjusted and want to know your biological family

Answer 13

Cause they dont understand. They are thinking that you had a good life why would you want more. But the reality is that all of us have this desire to know where we came from - that is a natural thing that naturally born children always have but adopted children do not.  You dont know where you got your chin or your brown hair when everyone else is blonde.

Answer 14

hi there iam a adopee and i had a really good life and iam not mad at my birthmom  for giving me up as she was  16 because she didnt think she could give me what i needed and if we ever meet then i would hope we could start a friend ship