Can anybody please grade this SAT Essay (1 out of 6)?

Question

Prompt 1

Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.

Most of us are convinced that fame brings happiness. Fame, it seems, is among the things people most desire. We believe that to be famous, for whatever reason, is to prove oneself and confirm that one matters in the world. And yet those who are already famous often complain of the terrible burden of fame. In fact, making the achievement of fame one's life goal involves commitments of time and effort that are usually wasted.

Adapted from Leszek Kolakowski, Freedom, Fame, Lying, and Betrayal: Essays on Everyday Life

Assignment:

Does fame bring happiness, or are people who are not famous more likely to be happy? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

Answer 1

3/6

here's why..........

PARAGRAPH ONE:

-It's not strong to start off with "I believe..."  yes, it's OK, but the reader knows that you are the author. just say it. "fame does not bring happiness"

-"it can also be equally compared.." what is 'it'?  this sentence is a bit unclear.. and I think it can be removed without the essay losing substance.

-you spelled "buy" wrong... this is not going to be overlooked by SAT graders.

-your thesis is not grammatical.. "I believe that ordinary people are more likely to be happy rather than a famous person."  it should either be "Ordinary people are more likely to be happy than famous people" or else "An ordinary person is more likely to be happy than a famous person"... it's got to be parallel (plural.. singular.. agreement!)

PARAGRPAH TWO:

-the kids playing in the dirt example is very far-fetched... no, you will not be judged on the quality of your examples, but an example drawn from literature or history is far more likely to engage the reader and convince them of your argument.  

-not sure what you are arguing...is the athlete happy or not?  In your introduction you stated that acheivement brings about happiness.. be clear here... if you are trying to say that fame obstructs happiness, it's not clear. SAY IT DIRECTLY.  your argument is stronger that way.  Say "fame does not bring about happiness, but it obstructs the sense of happiness people may feel after accomplishing their goals."

-it's best to have two body paragraphs with two separate examples.. (splitting up the dirt with the athlete)

LAST PARAGRAPH

-In your conclusion, you should make a broader point.  blame someone, offer a solution.. etc.. here you start to do that but then stray much to far away from your argument.  If you are going to talk about how famous people have their happiness constituted for them, introduce this earlier in the essay and have a separate paragraph for it.  It looks like you made too many last minute points here that didnt really flow with your essay... always include your main points in the thesis.  

A few tips for the future:

-BE CONCISE... no one wants to read convoluted sentences!

-use SIMPLE, CONCRETE examples... do not make broad claims in body paragraphs

-relate to real life in conclusion

-try to quote from the prompt they provide.

-try to include some SAT vocab.

hope I helped :)

Answer 2

I would probably give that a 4. There were minor grammar issues, and the examples could have been better. It was alright though.

Answer 3

4/6. It's better if you think about the topic differently. I would guess that about 80% of all the test takers would write what you just wrote.

Answer 4

i wouldn't waste so much time concerning yourself with the essay. most universities only look at the Critical Reading and Math and throw out the essay.