Can anybody share their experience with me on adoption reunion. I would just like to hear from adoptees.?

Question

I met my birth mother a year and a half ago through the registry on adoption.com. I was curious about where I came from. I am 33 and my birthmom is 49. I feel like she is very immature and very self centered. I have a family so I was not looking for a mother. I don't really like her and don't know what to do as far as our relationship goes. I am pretty much having one for her not for me because I would be allright never talking to her or seeing her again. She is not someone I would pick to be a friend. Help! I have been on an emotional roller coaster and need to get off. This is affecting all areas of my life including my marriage. Any experiences shared would be greatly appreciated.

Answer 1

As Julie said, please come to adultadoptees.org/forum.

Answer 2

oh god, star....i totally understand.  i went through the same type of thing.

i'm so glad we don't communicate anymore- it was so draining.

i would never change the fact that i searched though, and i would do it again a hundred times, even knowing now what i do.

i hope you will drop in at adultadoptees.org  it's a great group.

Answer 3

Hi Star,

I am happy for you that your search is over and you have the answers about your self and your heritage now.  Like most adoptees, you understood before you started that a search was not about finding a new mom, it's about finding yourself.  I'm sorry you're not really liking your natural mom at this time.  

Because families are split apart by adoption, it can create situations that never would have otherwise happened such as awkward periods of getting reaquainted with each other in adulthood.  Expectations can vary.  Old feelings of guilt, rejection, or shame can resurface.  No wonder many describe it as a rollercoaster ride of emotions.  Keep in mind that non-adoptees also have their moments with their relatives of being annoyed with them for whatever reason.  Non-adoptees don't have to make the same adjustments because they are already used to them.  They have always known them, so it's different and comes easier for them.  

Adoptees all know that there are many possible scenarios to what they might find when they conduct their searches.  Most hope for the best and are prepared for the worst.  My philosophy is that if the reunion results in a strong friendship, then that is the icing on the cake to the completion of a search.  All searches, if they are completed, are a success in my opinion.  The important part is that you have the truth now which is better than living lies.  You probably have a lot more now than you had before.  You may have knowledge of your roots, some medical information, some family background info, etc.  In her own way, I bet your mom really does love you.  Some people have trouble showing it or express it in different ways.  Also, any relationship can evolve over time, from good to bad, bad to good, or back & forth.

My own reunion was a very positive experience for me.  I did not want to be in the dark anymore.  Not high expectations, just answers is what I wanted.  I ended up with a close relationship.  I realize that's not the case for all adoptees.    

If you would like some online support, I highly recommend coming over to http://www.adultadoptees.org .  You will find many other adult adoptees with a wide variety of experiences who understand what you are going through and can offer support and advice.  Good luck Star.

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 4

that is what my adoption searcher told me could happen..sometimes when you meet one party wants more than the other can give...so i was leary when i met my sister...i was excited but i think for me honestly i was just glad i knew who she was and had talked to her on the phone...she is a great person...our lives are similiar in some ways but the one i had the biggest connection with was my oldest brother..he called her the day before i met her and he happened to be in the same area..so i met him as well..our lives are similar the things we thought...the fears with our birth mothers death..and i found that strange because i see myself in him and i look alot like him...i limit my contact with the both of them...i told her when i wrote her my letter..that i didnt want to disrupt her life..i just wanted to know her as a person..and that i would never ask anything of her other than that...and i have tried to stay true to this...you just need to put up that wall and not allow her to disrupt your life...you dont owe her anything...good luck