Can anyone grade this SAT Essay? (1 out of 6)?

Question

Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.

A society composed of men and women who are not bound by convention—in other words, they do not act according to what others say or do—is far more lively than one in which all people behave alike. When each person's character is developed individually and differences of opinion are acceptable, it is beneficial to interact with new people because they are not mere replicas of those whom one has already met.

Adapted from Bertrand Russell, The Conquest of Happiness

Assignment:

Is it better for a society when people act as individuals rather than copying the ideas and opinions of others? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

Answer 1

6/6. Isn't that from the McGraw-Hill SAT aid?

Answer 2

i wouldn't waste so much time concerning yourself with the essay.  most universities only look at the Critical Reading and Math and throw out the essay.

Answer 3

5/6.

Very well written. Do not worry about including a formal conclusion if you are pressed for time. The readers understand that you are only alloted twenty-five minutes to write. I recieved a 12/12 and did not end with a conclusion, but with my final point. Pulling the reader farther onto your side is more important than reiterating what you have already stated.

Answer 4

4 / 6... for a few reasons

1.  (most importantly) There is no separated conclusion paragraph.  The SAT readers love this... you need to make a broader connection to real life preferably in a separate paragraph in the end... Suggest a way to make something better or blame someone for the issue.  You tried to do that in the end, but the last sentence was a bit awkward:

"Without individualism, a uniform society has no momentum to move forward. Individualism is what one would call, “being different,” because if everyone’s the same, what fun is it to know that one can do this when everyone else can, too?"

I like the first sentence in this... you're touching on your "broader claim" when you say society has no momentum to move forward... To make it better I suggest adding an example of this to conclude... It seems a bit late to define individualism in the essay, and your essay would be a lot stronger if you did not end with a question.

2.  In your introduction you bring up a variety of interesting points, which, I think, are more interesting than your examples.  If you are going to bring up these points (that there are a lot of unique people that make the world interesting, that those who conform seem to be mindless)... talk about them later in the essay.  Your hitler example is alright, but it does not have a sufficient prompt in the introduction.. you need to be more direct instead of just using the word "dictatorship..." it's not clear.  

3.  Your first body paragraph has little to do with your thesis.  In your thesis you say it is "crucial" to stress individualism.. the reader expects to learn from your essay WHY it's crucial.  Instead, you tell them that individualism is indeed stressed.  You waste time repeating yourself when instead you could be strengthening your point.  try picking one, concrete example per paragraph and sticking with it.  For this essay I might use an example from The Giver, a story about a utopian society ... then draw upon what you have mentioned in your introduction... that when there is no individualism, life is boring. they do not judge you on your examples, but they like CONCRETE examples.. not "usually, the media does this.. " or "people often do this.." no... they want a specific INSTANCE.

Still, your writing is pretty succinct, which is always good.  Try to incorporate a few big words in there.. learn 3 or 4 and try to fit them in every essay you write! good luck!