Can anyone help me correct my essay?

Question

The written portion will include:

1. The name of the borough you live in

2. A description of the neighborhood

3. Who lives in your neighborhood?

4. Good things about your neighborhood—fun things to do

5. Things about your neighborhood you would change or fix

this is my essay if u see anything that needs correction plz answer!!: Summer Project

Imagine that you are far, far away beyond the stars. Well, if I told you that I lived there I would be lying. The truth is that I live in the Bronx. I am one of the 50,000 people that live on Allerton Avenue. Allerton is in the east Bronx. Allerton is a very interesting neighborhood and I like living here. Allerton is nothing special; however, it is adequate for me.

The Allerton section of the Bronx is an incredibly diverse neighborhood. There are two parts of the Bronx: Bronxwood, the southern section of the Bronx and Laconia the Northern section of the Bronx. Bronxwood Avenue has a large population of Italian-Americans and Albanian-Americans, as well as Asians, Hispanics, West-Indians, and other groups. Whereas Laconia has a population of mostly Hispanics.

Allerton is a very interesting and enjoyable neighborhood. There are many fun things to do living on Allerton. For example, going to parks such as Phillip Mazzei Playground and Pelham Parkway Park. I also like to enjoy going to the Allerton branch library. In addition, I enjoy eating at ihop and McDonalds. I like many other things about Allerton. What I like most is that there are varieties of ethnicities. I also like that some of my family and friends live in my neighborhood.

On the other hand, there are things that I dislike and would like to change. I dislike that there are not any malls or enough department stores in the neighborhood; I would like to change that. In addition, I would also like to change the fact that there are not enough parks or restaurants, and there are not enough traffic lights. There are also are not any hospitals or firehouses close by; I think that is the most important thing that I would like to change.

As one can see, Allerton may not be the best neighborhood, but personally think that Allerton is a fine neighborhood. I may not be able to tell you everything about Allerton but I bet that if you came here, you will see for yourself that it is not bad at all.

Answer 1

looks good

Answer 2

I like your intro - the first two/three sentences. It's funny and catches you off guard. The next few sentences are a little choppy though - the last three sentences in your first paragraph all begin with the same word (Allerton.) Try to mix it up. For example, "Allerton is in the east Bronx and is a very interesting neighborhood. I like living here - it's nothing special, but it's adequate for me."

As for the second paragraph, I only have two complaints, and that's that your second sentence needs a comma after Laconia. For the second to last sentence, cut out the "as well" - just put "Italian Americans, Albanian-Americans, Asians, Hisapnics, West-Indians, and other groups." And also, don't start a sentence with "Whereas" - just cut it out.

My only other problem is that for your last paragraph, you use the same phrases a lot - "I would like to change" and "I think that". Try to make your word choice interesting. For example, for the second sentence, put "I want to change the fact there are not enough malls or department stores in the neighborhood."

Otherwise, it looks great. Your spelling and grammar was great, and you did a great job of not making some words slang (for example, you put "it is" instead of "it's", which is appropriate for an essay.) Sorry my response was so long!