Can anyone help me with my 4 year old who moans, cries and whinges 90% of the time?

Question

i have a 4 year old girl and she moans about everything. she cries if something isn't done just the way she likes it. she isn't a naughty child just very cheeky and answers back especially to me her mum. when she is with anyone else she is generally really good as soon as i apperar she is so cheeky to me and everyone else around i am at my wits end. i try to please her all the time to stop confrontation. i have tried sending her to bed reward charts and the naughty step. i also have a 2 year old who has a great nature. somebody pleas help.

Answer 1

Put her up for adoption.

Answer 2

I think you need to ignore her bad behaviour. She is only attention seeking & knows she will get a response from you. When she sees that you ignore this behaviour, she will become bored & look to other ways of getting attention.

Answer 3

Use the Force

Answer 4

Hi,  welcome to the club !!

I heard abouty  troublesome twos  but was OK

Now my little girl is four and she is excactly like yours,  I blamed it on nursery and other kids,  as she used to eat everthing  ...  now .... "I dont like the smell"  ....  its too tough  etc

We think she is ready for school and braving the storm

She wont go to bed,  and wont get up on a morning

We have tried and better tried ,   but we just perciveer

thankfully,  knocking off toy treats and magazines has started to effect her....  and  respecting us

Good luck .... your not the only ones

Answer 5

Are you very busy and under pressure? Are you short of time to spend with your daughter? The clue to the solution is in this sentence: "when she is with anyone else she is generally really good as soon as i apperar she is so cheeky to me and everyone else around i am at my wits end." I think your child may have worked out that the only way she can get the attention she so desperately craves from you is to complain and say things she knows will wind you up. Start praising her achievements and good behaviour *alot*. And then consistently ignore her bad bahaviour so she is no longer 'rewarded' for it.

If she wants something done a different way and it causes no problems and she can do it herself (e.g. she wants to wear different clothes), let her do it - she is becoming a person with her own needs and wishes.

Also, explain things to her *before* the confrontation. It helps them to know why they are being told to do something.

I'm afraid its not the case that your 2 year old has a great nature and your 4 year old hasnt.

Rather, the parenting approach that you've been using appeared to work fine when the little ones are babies, but has in fact created problems for the children (and you) as they get older. Your 2 year old will probably respond exactly the same in a couple of years time, unless you start to give lots of praise and attention to good behaviour, and think of how to explain things to your kids so they understand why...

Answer 6

stick to the behaviour chart and naughty step i know that for a time it seems as if it's not working but you need to persevere it  does work it just takes time and patience, if all else fails take her favourite toys away as well and tell her she can have them back when she learns to beave properly.

Answer 7

My son has suddenly started doing this too and is driving myself and my partner (who is not his dad) up the wall.  Even his dad is complaining which is very uncharacteristic.  He does the crying, whining, answering back etc and although i usually try not to shout i am hoarse from the shouting.  I found that for the cheek confiscating toys worked, and he had to be super good to earn them back (at one point he was so bad he had everything except reading and colouring books confiscated).  As for the whining . . .i do it back to him and fake cry every time he does it so he knows that it wont work and so he can see how ridiculous he looks.  I know its just a phase but this has got to be the worst one yet and i cant stand him being rude to people!!  Anyway it seems to be getting better for me and i have heard that its something that ALL school age children go through at some point or another.  Hope it gets better and i will be reading through your answers for any good tips!!

Edit: something i learnt when teaching . . .for every negative comment you need to be giving her ten positive ones, so that she knows you love and adore her and that she is a nice girl.  It also helps to reaffirm that what she is doing is really wrong because if you are lovely to her the rest of the time it is clear what she is doing wrong.

Answer 8

I'm going through the EXACT same thing with a 2 and 4yo.  Look back at old photos and you'll remember that your now 4yo was a complete delight 2 years ago.  I remember being a little girl and I can feel her frustration at not being understood.  I just deal with it by never taking her outbursts personally and trying to divert her attention from what she's having a fit about.  Try to find something that always makes her happy - if it's sunny I take them to the park, if it's snowing I get her to help me chop veges .... I seem to do a lot more cooking than I normally would - but hey, she'll be in school next year and won't be so frustrated all the time.  That's what I'm telling myself at the moment anyway : )

Answer 9

You are giving in too easily, being a mum is hard work, you need to be strong and stick to your word. Time out when she misbehaves, but give her plenty of attention when she does something that pleases you and ignore the bad behaviour, she'll soon realise that mum will be there more when she behaves well. Be strong and set boundaries, you'll both be happier...otherwise you're going to have one h**l of a teenage brat on your hands when she gets older!

Answer 10

Persevere - I know it's hard but in the long run it will pay off.  Keep up the naughty step and reward charts.  I've never thought that sending kids to bed as a punishment is a good thing because you want bed to be a nice place for them so that they go to sleep without a fuss in the evening, so I'd rather not make it a negative place.

Try not to give in to her to keep her happy because she'll learn very quickly that her moaning and crying gets her what she wants.

As for the bit about her being an angel with everyone except you - that's pretty standard, my son was always like that and you may notice the same thing with her friends and the way the are with their parent.

Hang on in there, it will get better.

Answer 11

i think this is a vicious circle shes moaning to get her own way then your giving her her own way to shut her up. so she now knows that if she cries for long enough shes gonna get what she wants in the end. the only way to tackle this problem is to stop giving her her own way if you say no in the beginning then stick to it no means no. all kids moan here and there but if shes spending 90% of the day doing it then its clearly a big problem.

Answer 12

I bet your pulling your hair out lol.But you seem to have already answered your own ?.dont give in to her to save the confrontation ,it will be hard at first but she will soon get the message that making a scene for what she wants doesnt work anymore.Also keep her busy with the things that occupy her and interest her the most, but not by giving in to her when she demands it.And you dont need to spend money to please her,to do this.Hope i helped.Good luck.

Answer 13

a little slap and told shut up!

Answer 14

bribary

Answer 15

Honsetly, where I'm from is Tunisia and the children are well behaved? Why, because they know if they misbehave they'd get a good hiding.

Get that wooden spoon out, and show your child whos boss. Right now, she's winning and your far behind!

Answer 16

My daughter is also 4 and went through a whiney stage around 2 months ago.

I refused to even acknowledge her is she used the whiny voice (having told her I don't undertand when she speaks like this)

The best thing is to be really over the top when she IS good - 'Wow - wasn't that a REALLY lovely way to ask - well done' kind of thing.

Remember - you are the mum - you are in charge, not her, and tell HER that too.  By giving in you are making the situation worse.

Answer 17

Well giving into her to avoid confromtation is a problem. you need to keep the same actions all the time. If she knows she can get away with it if she trows a big enough fit then she will. You have to show her you are the adult. Put your foot down and keep it there.

Answer 18

Please don't compare your children, its so unfair. Your 4 year old is challenging and needs a firm hand. If she is behaving herself away from you then there is nothing wrong with her. She plays up with you as its a 'safe' place. If it were the other way around and she played up for others then you would have problems. Just be patient, firm and continue to love her. I am sure she will turn out great

Answer 19

from now on dont let ur girl manipulate u, if ur answer is no let it be no but a polite no. dont scream, shout or yell at her. what u can do is the minute she cries and moans and whinges just turn ur back on her and walk away to the bedroom or outside. she will feel the heat and eventually will come right. even if u ignore her for the whole day...

and another thing talk to her politely kneel to her height and look straight into her eyes and tell her what is wrong and what is right...u will c it will work.

good luck

Answer 20

there are many things that cause a child to be a different person around you.

she may be jealous of her yougner sibling and doesnt like the fact that you may be giving that other child more attention then the other one.

try asking her what she wants to do and then do that thing.

you can say to her aswell that every other weekened we will have what she choose to do.. and the other week where your free let the other sibling choose what to do.

this will be fair.

Answer 21

perhaps the comparison with the younger sibling is the key to your daughter's behaviour.  she is clearly getting a lot of attention for her negative behaviour; are you sure that you are giving her enough attention - particularly one-on-one - the rest of the time?

you shouldn't be trying to please your child, she will only get worse when bad behaviour gets her what she wants.  if you want her to behave well, you're gonna have to be the bad guy for a bit, and insist that she does as she's told.  telling her off for bad behaviour might start a tantrum, but after a couple of big showdowns, if you stick to your guns and make sure she doesn't get what she wants she'll soon get bored of trying.  

confrontation in parenting is something you can't avoid - it's one to go through, rather than round.  however, if you put ground rules in place now and stick to them, the battle you have to fight to get your way is much easier than in ten years time when you have a grounded teenager screaming the place down, being vicious with bitchy comments about you, and sneaking out to do god-knows-what because she hasn't learnt that when mum says no she means no.  the control in this relationship should be yours, but you're giving it all to her in an effort to keep the peace.

if she acts up, give her a warning and then implement a consequence for bad behaviour.  you have to be super-consistent with this.  the naughty step does work, but can sometimes take hours (literally) of screaming, and constantly replacing the child on the step physically until she gets the message.  you just have to remember that you love your children and although it's hard work, they're worth it.  once you have it sussed for the 4-yr-old, the younger one will be much easier as you can be consistent from an earlier age.

it sounds like you're taking her behaviour quite personally.  you need to remember that bad behaviour of this type in a child is usually an expression of insecurity - it's not that she doesn't love you enough to behave well for you, it's that she needs you to be there for her no matter what, and if she's not secure in that, she will act up to try and get you to prove that you care.

she may well be feeling that the baby of the family is getting more time or care than she is, and will be cheeky to try and remind you that as well as the little one you have a bright and sassy big girl in the family.  to some extent cheek is a good thing, if it's letting her express herself with confidence.  

answering back and testing the rules are part of growing up into an independent and confident person, but your daughter seems to have worked out that if she answers you back, you will engage in conversation or negotiation with her.  if she's acting up, state your response to her once, even if it's "because i said so", and beyond that give a warning ("if i hear any more about it i'll...) and then a punishment if she continues being cheeky to the point where you get annoyed.

you know your daughter best - you know which rewards and punishments have the most effect on her and can use them appropriately.

be sure to reward her with something there and then, even if it's only a cuddle and a kiss, if she behaves herself well, and praise her for it, telling her exactly why you're proud of her ("well done for waiting quietly with mummy at the supermarket checkout").

also if she's crying and whinging, perhaps it's because she's bored?  if she isn't already, you should consider enrolling her in a nursery or preschool, where she will be given activities which challenge her.  alternatively you can set up some of these activities for yourself.  perhaps you could ask her to make up a story to tell the younger child, and then write it down for her.  This will give her a reading lesson, and she can occupy herself drawing pictures to go with the text, as well as helping her to feel involved with her sibling.

a distraction at the start of a complaining session can often make the child forget what they were going to moan about, so have some play-doh, pens and paper, or perhaps (if you can stand the noise), show her how to play simple nursery rhymes  on a xylophone?  look around for one with instructions for twinkle twinkle etc included with it.

there are also plenty of activities that both children can join in with - hand painting, or if you have a garden, foot painting, can be done and enjoyed by both, and if the older child is getting bored you can extend it from making simple prints into making a flower out of footprints or handprints, for example.  remember to give lots of praise for creative efforts.  it will also help if you get involved yourself - a few bigger hand- or footprints on the page won't go amiss!