Can anyone please help me feel better about myself?

Question

I cannot have children and my husband and I have tried fertility several times but that didn't work. Then we turned to adoption and we have been on many lists for nine years. We just cam very close to adopting but the couple ended up chosing some one else.

I really need help feeling better about myself. Everytime we go through another heartbreak with adoption I always yell "What's wrong with me? Am I that bad of a person that I can't get a child!" and I tell myself I'm stupid and I shouldn't even bother. But me and my husband want a baby to love and care for so bad!

I've seen four therapist but none of them have worked! I feel like I'm a loser and I should just give up. I pray to God and he's told me he has a baby for me. But I don't feel like I how I used to feel. I get too close to the children and then I lose them.

Does anyone have any tips about feeling better about myself? My husband and I have talked a lot but I still feel upset.

Answer 1

Hi Britney, I am sorry you are in such a dark place right now. I struggled with infertility, too, so I understand how you feel. Believe me, I also felt like a loser and worthless and figured God must have seen something so horrible in me that I was not meant to be a mother. It took  some time and healthy perspective from people that loved me to realize that infertility is not a punishment doled out to the unworthy... it just happens. That's life. The God I believe in does not decide who can have children and who cannot. Please be kind to yourself. You are a good person and you have a husband who loves you. I'm an adoptive mom (China) and there was a very long time there when I wasn't sure I was ever going to be a mom, but I am. It may take a lot more patience and perhaps changing the avenue through which you are trying to adopt (i.e change from domestic private adoption to foster care or international), but I believe if you hang in there, you will be a great mom to a child that needs one.

Good luck!!!!

Answer 2

there may be a child waiting in foster care for you.

Answer 3

Do you need to have a newborn? There are sooo many kids in foster care who need a home.  Most of the time you must get licensed as a foster parent to be able to adopt a kid in the foster system.

Noone is going to make you feel better about yourself but you. The more you dwell the worse you are going to feel. I am sorry nothing has worked for you so far. I believe God has all the answers and he decides when and where.

Answer 4

I am sorry that you have been having trouble.

Maybe you all need to be more open to a child/baby that you will accept. (i.e. age, race, International adoption etc) There are many children in the foster care system that need loving homes and parents. Not all FC  kids have serious behavior  issues typical you can request age groups so say you’d take a child anywhere from 0 to 4 years. Babies are great but adoption is about giving a child or baby a home that truly needs it, it’s not about satisfying the needs of adults that want a baby.

You are not a loser don’t think that way.  There is a child/baby in need out there for you somewhere. Perhaps the child has not been born yet, perhaps your child is already out there but until you become more open to what child you all will accept.

For the time being you might consider getting a pet if you don’t already have one.

Answer 5

First of all I want to say how sorry I am that you have had such a hard time having children, and about losing children that you were looking forward to adopting. Let me share just a little bit with you, my story,which is not even as horrendous as yours, but hopefully will give you hope.  I believe wholeheartedly that God has children in the families that He desires- whether they are biological or adopted.  I am adopted and have 2 adopted children- and I never have felt that I was placed in the wrong family, etc.  When my hubby and I were told that my health would not carry a pregnancy very well, at first i was upset, then I realized the joy of my adoption, and so we decided to look into it.  We actually met a brother and sister, who were up for adoption- they were about 4 and 6 at the time. Fell instantly in love with them, thought we may have a chance to adopt them- then we were told that "because we were not of their ethnic background, it wouldn't be possible".  today that is not legal to do, however 20 some years ago it was.  19 and 16 years ago 2 precious infants came into our home respectively.  As upset as we were about losing the 2 children earlier- we realized beyond a shadow of a doubt that God had our two children selected for our family long before this world was even created.   Don't blame yourself for not having a child now. You , yourself said God has told you there is a baby for you.  Just remember, he or she may not have been conceived yet. I will pray that you will not "lose" any more children. God bless you, and hang in there, because when you do get the child that God has intended for you, you will rejoice.

Answer 6

Dont worry, you will be okay. You arent a loser or bad person cause you cant get a child. If I were you, I would go through the foster care program and get a toddler. Think of it this way. You are getting a child while giving one a home. I find it better than getting a baby

Answer 7

Britney, maybe the baby God has for you has not been born yet and he is waiting.  Your timetable and His might not be the same.  Maybe the little child just for you will be around the next corner.

Answer 8

Hey Britany.

I know it's easy for me to sit on my end of the computer and say this, but don't take this all personally.  It's not a judgment of you, your family, your marriage or your ability to parent a child.  

The US domestic infant adoption system is messed up on all ends.  When we were researching adoption, we considered this, but didn't like the idea of making a profile to sell ourselves and hope someone picks us.  

Have you researched other areas of adoption: foster-adoption or international adoption?  Neither of these adoption routes frequently have infants available for adoption, but would you be willing to consider the possibility that maybe these avenues are worth exploring?

I would also suggest getting a hobby or finding some other interest completely unrelated to fertility or adoption.  It's very easy to get obsessed and let your whole life revolve around this.  This isn't a criticism or intimating a character flaw on your part, but when it seems like everyone in the world is having babies, except you, it's not hard to start taking things personally.  

If you need to take a break from this, meaning: pull your profile for awhile and focus on another aspect of your life, do that!  This road is emotionally exhausting!  

Best of luck to you and your husband.

Answer 9

its' not your fault.

im sure you and your husband are caring people who are just fustrated for a baby;

don't worry because soon you'll have a little baby all to your self.

if you go to places where there are a lot of spanish/hispanic there are a lot of peoplewho have to give thier baby away due to being poor (not being racist, i know from experience my aunt wanted to adopt) so you should try there.

Many people who give away thier babies are picky, they want people with movie-star looks or money to burn; they should realise we are not all madonna or angelina jolie who adopt for publicity. Just be your self and you're true light will shine.

don't you think so as well?

Answer 10

God said stand steel an no that he is God. maybe u just need to let it go for a while just until u get ur self together. u r emotionally drainin u an ur husbands patients. u have to stand still....have u ever heard of the sayin......

Good things come to those who wait....

its comin     just give it time....an stop worrin.....

good luck

Answer 11

you could find someone to carry the baby for you:husbands sperm+random female's tummy=new baby in the family

just make sure that she understand that she's doing it as a job and she cant keep it....shes only a egg carrier or something like that......ive seen this done before...but it aint cheap....

or you could get pets to help you....pets are much easier to maintain....

hope you get a kid soon because their are alot of homeless kids that are looking for a good home and cant find one....

Answer 12

I am sorry that you are unable to conceive and honestly i cant think of any words to say because i have no idea what you must be going threw. Although i wanted to give you some advice, i watched a program about adoption the other day and they did say the fastest country to get a child in is Korea I also believe that its easy to do in Russia and the Ukraine as well. One more thing have you thought about fostering there are so many children out there and yearn for a mom and guidance maybe fostering would be great for you and the children who need temp homes.

Answer 13

have you ever considered doing some foster care maybe it would give you a chance to have children in your life all the time...or adopting children from other countries providng race doesnt matter to you,I know there are millions of children in places like china that need hmes...just don't give up ppl that can't have children of thier own are meant to provide homes for children who have none of their own and children in need of a good home so jst keep your head up,good things come to those who wait and everything happens for a reason.