Can anyone please tell me some funny athiest or god quotes saying god isnt real?

Question

i am opening a speech up with a quote but what quote is funny and very meaning saying god isnt real?

Answer 1

"If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever."—Woody Allen

"We must question the story logic of having an all-knowing all-powerful God, who creates faulty Humans, and then blames them for his own mistakes."—Gene Roddenberry

"The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one."—George Bernard Shaw

"Our Bible reveals to us the character of our god with minute and remorseless exactness... It is perhaps the most damnatory biography that exists in print anywhere. It makes Nero an angel of light and leading by contrast"—Twain

"It ain't the parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand."—Twain

Answer 2

I'm still an atheist, thank God.

Luis Bunuel (1900 - 1983)

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Woody Allen (1935 - )

The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank.

Dante Gabriel Rossetti (1828 - 1882)

Answer 3

"thank god Im an Atheist" as being from Salavdor Dali, then later the same quote saying it was Luis Bunuel

Blaise Pascal

Men never commit evil so fully and joyfuly as when they do it for religious convictions

Emo Philips

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

unknown: Don't pray in my school, and I won't think in your church

Steven Weinberg With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion.

George Carlin: Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man -- living in the sky -- who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do.. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time! ..But He loves you.

source and more here:

http://www.chrisbeach.co.uk/viewQuotes.p...

Answer 4

well i don't know if it would work for a speech, but dane cook's sketch is really funny. i think it's called "atheist sneeze" you can look it up on youtube. it's hilarious!

Answer 5

"Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends." Woody Allen